Noticed

He spent his days in the pursuit of knowledge, I silently sat by him. The summer had never seemed to end, the view from my window remained unchanging. Sitting in complete stillness, the days of rain turned to days of sun. The days of sun turned into days of cold. I hadn’t noticed, I couldn’t notice.

Once, I turned my eyes toward the window only to witness specks of snow falling. The summer had ended, the summer had ended long ago. We had spent every second together, every moment full of each other. I hadn’t taken notice of too much else. The weather didn’t mean much to me, I acknowledged it, then turned away.

It didn’t matter to me.

It didn’t matter to him.

It didn’t matter to us.

We were together, inside our home. What would the outside matter? Though, even with those words, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking further, what had I missed? Had anything happened without me? Anything of great significance? I couldn’t stop my worries; I was anxious to know. I wanted to know. I wanted to be aware of what had been happening.

Maybe it was my selfishness speaking, perhaps I was incredibly selfish, perhaps my selfish desires had taken over. I didn’t want him to leave, I was scared he’d leave me for what he was exposed to. I didn’t want him to see anything beyond me. I wanted him to only look at me.

I couldn’t fight the guilt, I needed to go to school. It had been a very long time since I’d stepped into a school, a place with the intent of education. What grade was I going into? I couldn’t remember. Would I have anyone to speak to? No... I knew I wouldn’t. But still... I still had to go, even if for only a day.

I got up, we had been sitting around our table, reading and lounging. He hadn’t acknowledged my sudden movement, he continued staring into the book that sat before him.

“Hey... I’m going out for a bit... I’ll be back later today...” I muttered.

“mkay.” He said, looking up at me briefly.

I walked out of the living room and back up the stairs toward my own room. Our house had changed a lot since our first meeting. The living room had been taken over by walls of bookshelves, filled with BL and other books. I had also begun to participate in the art of collecting random BL memorabilia. Mouse pads with extra cushions for your wrists, body pillows, key chains, enamel pins, buttons, shikishi boards, clear files, figures, blu rays, CDs of audio dramas, plushies... We had everything.

I had covered the walls in posters, a body pillow sat on the couch, buttons were also stuck through the couch, and pins had been stuck through the wall. The entire house had become a display for our possessions. The house itself didn’t matter, only what it housed.

The walls of the stairway had been decorated by a random assortment of colors and wallpaper. Pink, purple, red, blue, flowers...everything. We had explored our basement in search of things of use. We hadn’t found much, only a few nice (Ish) pieces of furniture and a box full of old half full paint containers. Some had actually been house paint, others were merely acrylic, perhaps even oil. Technicalities didn’t matter to us, we only wanted to decorate, to leave a mark on our home, one that could identify it as being ours, undeniably.

My room had remained unchanged. It has always been dull, leaving it that way was the only thing that seemed right. Perhaps it symbolized my life before him, my soul before him, the life I had led before him. It had been dull, perhaps not even worth living. This room made me remember the pain, the joy... everything, everything I had ever felt.

After entering I walked toward my dresser, opening the drawers I pulled out articles of clothing to cover my body. Lately I have only worn tee shirts and shorts, both of us dressed the same. My previous ways departed on his arrival. He liked sharing clothes, so I only wore the clothes he liked. We truly were connected... if we were ever separated... one of us would end up naked!

I didn’t know what day it was, nor the time. I hadn’t much use for it. Our lives were run on our own schedules. We did things when we pleased, nothing could dictate our lives... only us. I could assume it to be winter. I hadn’t noticed the leaves turning, I must’ve not looked out the window during that time... if I had... perhaps the urge to leave would have been greater.

I had been absent from school for quite a span of time... I was supposed to have gone before the leaves had turned. Wouldn’t we have gotten a notice? Wouldn’t someone have been pestering us? Perhaps they had been, perhaps we didn’t hear it, perhaps it didn’t matter.

What did I usually bring to school? A bag? Pencils? Pens? Notebooks? I couldn’t remember. I was already behind on work. I must’ve been, months had passed since the start of school. I’m sure I’d missed countless assignments, what’s another day's worth? If I didn’t have the supplies I needed... I didn’t care. I only needed to be present for the day. I only needed to keep watch of the outdoors. I didn’t plan to be present in them. I had no desire to be.

Picking up my bag, I exited my room. I climbed down the stairs, past our painting. I stood before the door.

The door that had brought him to me, the noise it was able to make, its presence and purpose... It was responsible for our meeting. I was grateful, I hadn’t lived a life of any joy. I hadn’t done anything worthy of praise. I lived a life of solitude with no warmth. I had only continued living out of a sense of obligation... nothing more. But now... I had more than that! I had a person I loved! Someone I truly loved! I walked forward and opened the door.

“See you later!”