Finals

My morning enthusiasm had dissipated by the time we were in front of the exam rooms. I grasped my student ID, trying to find some space in the crowd. The nervous sweat of two hundred undergrads pervaded the large waiting hall. Some people whispered jokes and gossip, while others studied at the very last minute. Despite the sheer number of us, our noises never overwhelmed the nearby clock’s bomb-like tick.

Remembering the meditative exercise from the night before, I straightened my back and began focusing on a lengthy exhale. My heart calmed down its anxious pace, albeit slightly.

It’ll be fine. I’ve never studied this hard before in my life.

But you haven’t done calculus since high school! That was four years ago.

I’ve done great these past six weeks, why wouldn’t I perform well today?

I’m going to overthink every question!

I studied the best I can, and I’ll do the best I can now.

My marks are out of my control. I’m going to fail.

The angel and devil on my shoulders continued an aggressive back and forth. Just as the argument started becoming too much for me, a slap on the centre of my back blew away their relentless bickering.

“How ya feeling?” Seri asked energetically. Our moods had completely swapped since this morning’s call. The meditation had a stronger impact on me than for her, as she woke up groggy while I was rejuvenated by the practice. However, it seemed like the exam also tanked my nerves much harder than it did for her.

“Not so good,” I replied. “I think I might throw up…”

“Why?”

“Because it’s our final.”

Seri looked genuinely puzzled. “But you were fine writing the english project.”

“That’s because it was an essay that I could do at my own pace. This is an exam.”

“It’s alright,” she assured. “You’ve been doing better than me in maths all summer. Honestly, I’m jealous.”

“You’re right, but I’m still nervous… like there’s something off about today.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know what,” I said. “Maybe the location? It feels like we’re not in the right place.”

“What do you mean? Everyone’s lining up here.”

“…” I struggled to come up with an explanation for the discomfort in my chest.

Seri crossed her arms, but her gaze remained tender. “Nothing wrong with being nervous. But if you say all this and still get higher than me, you’ll owe me a cheeseburger.”

I furrowed my brows. “Wait, wasn’t the agreement that whoever scores lower owes a cheeseburger?”

Seri whistled and ignored my question. “The weather’s kinda nice today.”

“Oi…”

“TAKE YOUR SEATS!” a lady yelled from the door. The students began funnelling into the entrance like sand falling into a sinkhole. As I entered the room, the source of my unease finally hit me.

We were being tested in the computer labs. That’s when I realised our maths final was multiple choice. Instead of long answers — we wouldn’t gain points for showing our work. There would likely be “select all that apply” questions as well, focused on maths theory. For Seri and I who exclusively studied off of practice questions, this was not a good sign.

I vaguely recall Seri wishing me good luck, but from the moment I sat down to the moment I pressed “submit”, everything became a nightmarish blur.

Keyboards clacked and air rushed through people’s nostrils. Sometimes I had to read a question multiple times just to understand what it meant, and I tried to fit all my maths work on a scrap paper the size of my palm.

This was the first I’ve heard of a calculus exam taken like this. Even our midterms were taken on paper. Just for a moment, I cursed our city’s new paperless policies for the environment.

Since it was fully digital, results were shown immediately. All I remember was receiving a grade lower than the competitive requirement for pharmacy.

I nearly staggered out of the exam hall in a daze.

Perhaps it was test anxiety, or maybe I was actually sick. Either way, I choked on the exam when I should’ve studied everything thoroughly. There was nothing I could blame except for my own reckless test taking.

Why didn’t I stay longer?
Why didn’t I check over my answers a couple more times?

What was all that studying for?

Just like before and during the test, my mind became overwhelmed with too many questions that I didn’t have the answers to. Despite how I tutored her from time to time, I reflected on how much I benefited from her study habits, just for it to go to waste. Even the previous night was geared towards calming an anxious mind, yet it felt like nothing had changed today.

Was I just unfixable?

I hate myse-

My train of thought crashed as someone tackle-hugged me from behind. I offered no resistance, so the force propelled us forwards multiple steps.

I closed my eyes. My body locked me from turning around, as if an unseen force begged for me to not face the only girl in the world that would’ve greeted me like this.

“I got an A minus!” Seri exclaimed. “What’d you get?”

“B.”

“Oh! That’s pretty good.”

“It’s a three-point-zero.”

Her hug loosened. “Oh… but that won’t hurt your chances too much, will it?”

“Minimum competitive average is a three-point-three.”

Seri let go. I heard her walking around to my front. Two warm hands grasped my wrists, and gently tugged them towards her.

“Sunny? Look at me.”

What accompanied the blinding light of my surroundings was a blast of cold air directly to my eyes. I realised that it was due to moisture. Once my vision adjusted I saw Seri tearing up too.

“Why are you crying?”

That wasn’t Seri who asked. It was me.

“I know how hard you worked.”

Seri’s emotions startled me. The frustration of being pitied and the guilt of making her sad added on to the nasty flavours of feelings.

Seri came in for a hug and pulled my head down into the nook of her neck. Her soft linen collar smelled of detergent and peaches. Suddenly, as if we were magnetic, I reflexively wrapped my arms around her and couldn’t unwind myself. My strength left me, and emotions welled in my eyes. It was warm and lovely and I had to take deep breaths in order to not burst into tears.

“Hey Sunny.”

“What?” I asked, still muffled by her embrace.

“You did your best and I’m proud of you.”

I couldn’t blink without dampening her clothes. Those were words I needed so badly, but couldn’t ask anyone to say them to me.

“Thanks,” was all I could muster.

“Let’s go plan our celebratory trip.”

“Okay.”

I tried pulling away, but her hold on me was firm. The idea of other students seeing us embarrassed me a little.

“Is it okay if we stay like this for a bit?” she asked.

My response was to hug her tighter. Right then, it felt like my relationship with Seri was the only thing in this world I could hold onto. And she was the only one that’s held onto me.