Like the universe

When I held her hand and wanted to take the first step towards the end, something held me back. Something or someone pulled on my shirt and pulled me back with a force of nature. It felt tender but also dominant at the same time. I turned back and saw a little boy pulling at my top and whimpering with tears in his eyes
 "Don't do that. Don't do that to us."
When my exhausted eyes met his, I saw my past and future at the same time. I saw what I was and what I could still become. My right but also my wrong decisions. What a life I could lead and also what suffering I would give to those if I didn't allow my future.  
I saw my mother preparing lunch for me after school. I saw my father playing football with me in the garden every evening, despite a full day at work. I watched my sister asking me for advice and crying as her heart got broken for the first time. I saw my friends. Those who came and those who went. I saw my teachers challenging me to become a better and smarter student.  
At the same time I saw what and who I would meet or say goodbye to in my life. I saw how in a future I would hold my mother in my arms when my grandmother died.  I saw my father getting older and how I would read the newspaper to him on Sunday mornings. I saw my sister watering the flowers and how she would teach her daughter about life. I saw myself in a mirror, how my beard would slowly grow and my vision would become less.  I saw myself in a coffee shop with a cell phone in my hand that would probably be released one day. I tasted the food I never ate before and the sweet lemonade that would quench my thirst on a hot summer day. I saw how I would travel the world and how my clumsiness puts a smile on strangers faces of on the flight. I saw myself taking pictures of places i always wanted to visit. I saw my parents running towards me, in a sunflower meadow that seemed so endless that I couldn't even guess where it began or ended. I saw my sister join my parents and run next to them.  Behind my family I saw figures made of light, which became visible as they got closer. Faces I already knew and faces I would get to know. All the ones I have ever loved and everyone that I will eventually love someday. My legs were shaking, I knelt on the ground and smiled at my loved ones.  While I became aware that life is not a misfortune, but it's a gift, it's a miracle.
 "Freedom is love and love is freedom. Every person is free to decide what they want to do with it, but why choose darkness when there is light? You owe that to yourself and everyone you love. Look at how your parents met back then. How they fell in love. How they decided to get married and have children. How your mother was in labor for hours to give you life. The role model you have to be for your sister and all those who will come after you. Life contains pain, sadness and suffering but also happiness, contentment and endless hunger for more.You are not here to compulsively ask yourself the meaning behind it. You don't have to continuously ask yourself what or who you will be or who you have to become someday. You are simply here. And that is enough. You are enough. Never forget that." Never forget that. "The boy spoke in a gentle yet dominant way. The tears in his eyes underlined the feeling he was making me feel inside.  My tears flowed to the ground, his tears flew to the sky. This little boy had the face of a 10 year old but at the same time he had divine wisdom.I felt happy, sad and ashamed at the same time but it didn't scare me, quite the opposite. I felt weightless.
 “So this is what it feels like to be alive.”
 I felt my tears falling like summer rain on the asphalt of the roof and vaporizing in the heat.
 Time stood still.
 "Who are you? And what are you doing to me right now?"
 "I am the boy you were before you lost yourself. I am life and as long as there is hope, there is life."
 The dark night turned into a wonderfully warm sunny day. I let go of her hand.
 "What are you doing? Listen to me and choose the end!"She told me these lines with such a grotesque conviction.
I know who you are now. You appear where hope ends. But hope is like the universe. It is infinite.  You hide behind your beautiful face. Behind those full lips and big eyes. I fell in love with you.  I fell in love with the ending and thus cheated my future. The life you want for me is not a life.  It's the end of everything. After the infinity of hope, life goes on. After despair, true repentance begins. You made me feel safe. You made me feel important.  You gradually pulled me out of my life and robbed me of my hope. And I didn't even notice.  I lost the boy within me, but I met him again, on the same roof as I once met you, Thanatos.
 I hugged her and whispered in her ear:
 "I don't think you know who I am. I am the past and the future. I am life and as long as there is hope, there is life. I am Eros."