Paradox of Limbo

"News just in. More information about the young couple that committed suicide last midnight has been gathered. According to the police, the boy's family mentioned that he had been behaving weirdly for a while, especially since shortly before he started dating his girlfriend, the one he had passed away accompanied by. Rumors on the web also point to the similarities of this case with the cases attributed to "Eros" and "Thanatos". Other sources claim that—"

I calmly took the remote control and turned off the TV. It was getting tiresome.
Another day, another person talking about those two. Two gods showing up in modernity.
Not surprised about it, since 6 young couples committing suicide together in the span of 3 months is, undeniably, a big deal.

People are quick to believe things they hear on the Internet, from solidly supported arguments to crazy conspiracy theories. Even posts by random people that say things such as "If you don't do this, you'll be cursed" or "By doing this, your life will begin turning for the better".

Nonsense.
After all, I've been longing for death for a while.

In my 27 years of life, I've yet to find a purpose for myself. I'm single, but I'm working a decent job with good pay. I don't have any friends, but I'm still studying for a career that promises a wealthy future. For the many lows in my life, there are also several highs.
But I don't enjoy any of it. Working for a job I dislike and studying for a career I'm not interested in is driving me crazy. These past 5 years have felt as if I've only been wasting my life when I could have been searching for a romantic partner or having fun.

When I finally start convincing myself with lies that I'm enjoying my current life, that fake reality shatters around me and reveals to me the lives of those I used to call "friends". One time, two times...
It's happened so many times that I've already lost count.

By the 20th repeat of the cycle, I decided it was time to end it all.
For such an occasion, I decided for my death to be a tribute to the first couple that died. With a smile on my face, I stood face first with the abyss. The blurry sight of white lines and colorful cars faded with the approaching midnight. I had never been so prepared for something ever since I was born.

Yet I couldn't jump.

For the 35th, I tried once again.
This time, I used a rope. Making a tight knot on the ceiling and following the usual procedures, I had perfectly set it up with masterful skill and precision. All of those who tried this method only to fail miserably would have stared in awe at such preparedness.

Yet I couldn't put my head into it. I wasn't that interested in such a painful and slow method.

For the 42nd, I had run out of patience and took my late father's gun.
But it had no bullets, and no matter where I searched, I couldn't find a way to acquire them without ending up in jail instead of dead.

By then, I was confused.
Why? Why did Thanatos avoid my call? Why was Eros forcing me to stay in this realm?
So I contacted some people who claimed to know a lot about the topic. Apparently psychologists, but seemed more like scammers to me. Although I couldn't really call them that either since their services related to this troublesome topic were free of charge.

In their own words: "You seek for Thanatos blindly, without knowing what it is nor what it wants. In your own roundabout way of looking for solutions, you have yet to discover the brand-new dilemma you have brought onto yourself. Your eyes are like a night without stars. They are empty and nothing reflects on it".
Hell if I knew what that meant. For me, they were just spouting cryptic gibberish with no meaning in an attempt to gain a customer base.

With no answers and no hope, I stared vacantly at the broken ceiling lights of my monotonous apartment.
"Maybe... maybe there was no point to this search. Maybe after I finally graduate and get a better job, I might be able to do things I've always thought were impossible for me."
"My life wasn't that bad. If I put my mind to it, I could end up enjoying it."
Those thoughts ran through my mind, as my hands staggeringly rummaged into my pockets searching for my phone.

Bad idea.
A workmate of mine was getting married. And yet I was here, alone, wondering about the intricacies of life and death and trying to convince myself things were fine when the curtains were not only about to close but about to set on fire as well.
The only one who spoke nonsense was me all along.

For the 50th repeat of the cycle, I went back to my roots.
My body clumsily swayed from side to side as my feet led me toward the balcony and stopped right at the edge of the building. I just stared down, uninterested, as if it was a common occurrence by now. It already was, after all.
No wish. No desire. Just instinct.

But it was then that it struck me.

I was not seeking death. I was just escaping life.
In the same way that I didn't find anything of interest by living, I couldn't find anything of interest by dying either.

I wasn't waiting for Thanatos, thus Thanatos didn't care about me in the slightest.

I was in a limbo of my own making, where I couldn't live nor die for I had no reason for either.
I cackled loudly at my own ignorance, for all of my actions up until now were still lacking a purpose. The pointlessness of it all seemed amusing at the time, for it was an ironic finale to this arc of my life that lasted 27 years.
In a swift maneuver, I went back into my apartment and decided to prepare my stuff and continue with my life. Even if I didn't want to, I still had to live for I was stuck here until I found a reason. Until Thanatos finally comes for me.

In the end, I had avoided merry old death once again.