Thanatos & Eros' Delicacies

"Thank you." A female cashier bowed to me while giving me change. "Please, come again."

I came out of the convenience store carrying a large plastic bag. The sky was already dark, and the street lights had been turned on.

It seems like my weight is increasing again. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to walk.

A few minutes down the quiet street, I saw the police checking a spot in front of an apartment building.

It was a suicide scene.

Ending life, huh? I've thought about it many times, but I'm not as brave as them to do it. Yes, I'm a shut-in who only goes out to convenience stores. Even though I'm almost thirty, I'm a burden on my parents.

But this world is too cruel to me. I've never been able to take pressure. The workload breaks me down every day.

I envy people who can face life's challenges, walking towards the beautiful light. Or those who can release their existence from this world, entering the darkness that frees them.

But I have something that always comforts me, though.

"I'm home." I opened my house door and got no answer, although I could hear the television turning on from the living room.

Slightly short of breath and knees aching from my weight, I climbed the stairs to my room on the second floor. It was a place that gave me a sense of security, hiding me from anything that made me uncomfortable.

It was my little paradise.

I sat in my chair and put the plastic bag on the table. It contains several bags of chips, sweet biscuits, and soft drinks.

Their deliciousness can make me forget feelings of uselessness, worry, and sadness.

I know they are bad for me, but I don't know any other way to distract me from those negative thoughts, even for a moment.

After selecting a movie on the computer, I opened one of the bags of potato chips and ate them. Well, the film is just a companion.

The real deal is the chips I'm munching on.

I knew my body was not okay because of excessive eating, but I never went to the doctor. What for? I'm a useless human being. I feel it's better not to exist in this world.

But once again, I wasn't brave enough to do that.

At least, before I die because of what I did, I get enjoyment from these foods.

A knock on the bedroom door startled me a little. It's past dinner time. No one should be doing that.

"Shun, I know you heard me." My mother spoke in a slightly hoarse tone. "I just wanted to say. Your father will retire soon, and we won't be able to give you the usual pocket money."

I don't give an answer. Not long after, I heard the sound of footsteps going away.

Bullsh*t. They must be fed up with me and don't want to pay for my useless life.

My breath goes up and down. I imagine how much more difficult my life would be without these foods. How do I calm myself?

Unfortunately, I can't do anything. I wasn't brave enough to ask my father to keep giving me money.

The more I thought about it, the more I crammed my chips down. Yes, only the delicious taste of food can give me joy to forget my problems.

Maybe it would be better if this all ended, maybe with a disease due to my obesity or just a terrible choking.

***

"Thank You!" I came out of the back room carrying my backpack. "I'm leaving!"

My boss, a middle-aged man who owns this convenience store, glanced at a plastic bag in my hand. "How many times have I told you to bring more than one. According to the regulations, the remaining bentos cannot be sold anymore at this time, even though they can still be eaten."

"I can't eat much, and bento like this will spoil tomorrow."

"I'm worried about your skinny body." That man then looked at my face with a deep gaze.

"What is it, boss?" I tilted my head.

He sighed. "I still can't believe a woman as diligent as you can't get a more decent job."

"Eeh? You want to throw me out?" I grumbled, but it wasn't serious. "Kenta has resigned. You only have a few employees left. You will be in trouble, boss."

That man put on a faint smile. "But I still hope for your success. Don't let yourself be trapped in this small place forever."

"Thank you for your support." I walked backward while waving at him. "See you tomorrow."

"Do you really not want to stay at my place. I told you, my wife is fine with it."

I'm laughing. "No, I don't want to bother you more than this."

I've lost count of how many times he's asked me that.

As soon as I came out of that store, I saw someone I knew. He's reading a job vacancy flyer on the store's glass wall.

"Good evening." Maybe because it had become a habit, I bowed to the obese man. "You want to shop for snacks as usual?"

Ah, I sounded a bit rude.

He also bowed slightly, and then his gaze returned to the flyer. "No, just walking around."

Strange. Every two days, this man buys snacks at our store. Today is the day for him to do that.

"You are interested in working part-time here?" I asked while putting on a big smile. "The owner is very nice. You won't regret it."

"Maybe…." He sighed.

I'm wondering. Does he not know what to do because he can't buy snacks, so he wanders around?

"I'm sure the boss will accept you. Good luck." I smiled again. "Bye."

I walked towards the park, ten minutes away on foot.

In the place where I usually sleep, visitors are not allowed to bring food from outside. So, as soon as I arrived at the park, I sat on a chair and took out my bento.

"Bon appetite." I ate the rice with karaage and several other condiments. That thing is cold, but people like me don't have the luxury to choose.

My boss always says I should eat at the store and use the microwave there.

But he has helped me a lot. So, I lied that in my 'residence,' I was free to bring food and use the microwave.

When I think about it, I've lied a lot to the boss.

My food was half finished when a young man and woman passed in front of me.

"Did you hear about the suicide in that apartment?" The man muttered. "I don't understand why he committed suicide."

And the woman responded. "Yeah, there are many beautiful things in this world. Why would he want to leave them?"

I put my chopsticks into the bento box. They will never understand. That doesn't mean people like us don't know the beauty of this world. We just can't see it.

I used to be like that until my current boss approached me. He said I looked like his daughter, who died because of suicide, so he wanted to help me.

I'll never forget it. He brought me a karaage bento just like this.

Having no other choice at that time, I immediately agreed. At first, I thought I would just work to survive. But he also helped me with my papers, which I had to have to work legally. Due to some complications and not having money, I haven't been able to deal with it for a long time.

Then, I can live a better life with regular food intake – even if it's just unsold bento or onigiri. I still have a lot of negative thoughts and don't have a permanent place to live, but at least I have the will to live.

I won't waste this opportunity.

After finishing my meal, I continued my journey. I entered an internet cafe and bought a full overnight package with a blanket, a shower voucher, and free drinks.

It's been years since my father died, and my mother dumped me for another man. I had to sleep anywhere and do odd jobs in the past. Now, I can have a warm place every night.

I entered a small booth, but more than enough for my petite frame. After putting away my stuff and showering, I sat in front of the computer and put on a headphone, ready to listen to an online course.