Never fall in love pt2

I turned sharply at the sound, looking at my running daughter with a smile and tears in my eyes. She’s only a couple of years old, yet she’s already grown so much, I hadn’t even noticed. Time flew by so quickly. It seemed like only recently she’d been sick with a very old disease for her race, and Krile and I had walked all over the world to get her medicine. But two and a half years have passed since those sleepless nights I spent in the game...

I knelt down, my knees resting on the soft ground strewn with flowers. Di squealed and threw herself into my arms, nearly knocking me down on the dark creamy grass. There were days when we could spend the whole day in that field, drowning in the scents of the wild meadow, basking in the gentle weeds that tickled our exposed skin.

“I missed you. You were gone for a long time,” the girl whispered, nuzzling my neck with her nose.

“Me too, Di, me too,” I hugged her warm, living body tighter. And closed my eyes, breathing in the scent of her hair. How delicious she smelled.

Her heart was thumping hard after running fast, the heat of her breath was scorching my collarbones. To me, she was more alive than anyone else in the world. I didn’t accept, and probably would never understand, the president’s decision. His decree, his selfish choice deprived me of the most precious thing of all – my family.

“Are you crying?” Adisi asked breathlessly, raising her head. Her ears drooped, as if she blamed herself for my tears.

Yes, the system was always very sensitive to the state of the players and reacted accordingly. Most of the time it pleased me, but now it was cutting my heart. If my NPC-daughter were more apathetic, I wouldn’t feel so bad.

“I’m so happy that I can see you again,” I wiped the tears from my cheeks and kissed my little child on the forehead, soothing her. “I have a present for you.”

“What kind of present?” At once the fires of curiosity lit up in her incredibly beautiful eyes.

I picked up a gift box from the ground with a recent purchase, tossed it into the air under Di’s mesmerized gaze. A flash, a pop, and a huge dravosaurus landed on four paws in front of us. Yea, the seller didn’t cheat, the price was not inflated.

“O-o-oh,” my Adisi groaned admiringly and pressed her hands to her mouth. “Mommy, thank you, thank you, thank you,” she babbled, running around her new pet in a circle.

The dravosaurus squinted warily at the little girl who was peeking under his right front paw, but so far it showed no signs of aggression, so I calmed down.

“What will you call it?”

Di froze for a moment, then walked over to the monster’s face and fearlessly tugged at its fang.

“Your name will be Butt,” she said seriously and uncompromisingly to the beast, looking directly into his big serpent eye.

The dravosaurs squinted again, growled faintly, accepting the new name.

“Why Butt?”

“Michaelir has Fore, that’s what he called his dravosaurus. He’s going to have Fore and I’m going to have Butt. And then we’ll marry them, they’ll have a cub, and we’ll name it Side.”

I snickered and shrugged my shoulders

“Well, Butt, nice to meet you,” I nodded to the monster, which from this day would become my dearest daughter’s personal cutie pet.

Ugh, that System with the random names and unsurpassed logic, it really freaked me out sometimes.

“Mom, can I ride my dravosaurus?” Di pulled away from her new live toy, making pleading eyes.

How could I say no to her? I nodded benignly, realizing with a growing cold wave of panic that this might be the last time she would ever ask my permission.

Adisi climbed up the beast’s back through its tail, sat on its neck, and, grasping the horns, kicked the mount on the shoulder. He perked up, stretched out before our eyes, leaned against the ground, inhaled the air predatorily, and took off – dust surged upwards.

I stood still for a long time, staring at the valley and the fast-flying dot across the sea of grass. I exhaled and was able to breathe calmly only when Di and Butt disappeared into the woods. I clenched my fingers into fists, trying to keep my mind sober and far from those terrifying thoughts whispering that the melting in the distance figure of my daughter in a bright summer dress would long haunt me in nightmares of a faded past.

I bent down to pick a bouquet of forget-me-nots. In this world, the inflorescences were slightly larger than their real prototypes, one petal was the size of two of my pinky fingernails. For some reason, in Virtul, I didn’t feel sorry for plucking plants and taking their lives.

As my father often said, I got my love of flowers from my mother. But I didn’t dare to kill them in reality; the price for my whim to possess plants for a few days was too high. They had short lives as it was.

I slid the soft, smooth, light blue petal with the pad of my index finger, brought it to my face, and inhaled the fragrant scent of summer, the meadow, and the game itself.

A wave rolled over the grassy sea, a cloud covered the sun for a moment, and it darkened sharply. But in a few heartbeats, the airy clusters of ‘white cotton wool’, as Di often called the clouds, floated forth, to the west, toward the cities and the villages. I tossed the buds, and a gust of wind picked up the blossoms, whirled them, and carried on.

“Fly, I hope you find a new home.”

I watched as the last flower drifted away behind a thicket of hazel trees, where wild hummies (small mole-like animals) usually nested, their hides well sold to the craftsmen. The padded leather was used to make medium-weight armor. I would definitely thin out the family of these critters right now, if not for the latest presidential decree. What’s the point of making money in the game anymore?

With a heavy heart, I turned reluctantly in the direction of the settlement. Somewhere out there, I couldn’t tell for sure, the tiled roof of our house shone in the sun. Numbness came over me, a storm was raging at the deepest levels of my emotions, but outwardly I was surprisingly calm. It was as if the tempest had not yet reached the surface of the ocean, as if my mind needed a little more time to fully comprehend.

The house was the one place that was exactly mine. Krile and I had decorated it to our liking, gathering trophies, furnishing and adorning every available nook and cranny. And now it seemed that if I stepped over the threshold, I wouldn’t be able to contain myself, I’d drown myself in a swamp of hysteria. Something inside me, so intangible and obscure that apparently was called the soul, nagged with a dull ache at the thought of never seeing home again.

But saying goodbye to my dearest refuge in the whole world was something I couldn’t bear. It was hard. It was so hard to see the dark tiled roofs of the settlement below, the river flowing down the hill, the strip of aqueduct fleeing into the distance, so, not wanting to suffer any longer at the sight, I pulled out another portal crystal.

“The regional city Viron, a peaceful territory. 12:49. There will be light precipitation in the area for the next hour,” the System informed as I stepped onto the cobblestone street of my favorite city.

In the old days, when I had just reached the seventy-fifth level and could finally get into the heart of the Khwarthian province, I used to wander for hours through the quarters of one of the most beautiful places in Virtul. Viron was popularly nicknamed ‘the Belle of Khwarth’ of the kingdom of Khwarth, where wars occurred five times a month. But despite the incessant hostilities in the area, the capital of the region remained invariably beautiful and crowded. I rather liked the name the NPCs used, ‘Pearl City’.

There was indeed a lot of pearl color here: the paint of the buildings, monuments, even the trees – they also cast a kind of pearly glow. And the proximity of Viron to the seashore, where several oyster farms have long worked, also added a special meaning to the title.

I needed a distraction from my depressing thinking, my body demanded action, new experiences, just to avoid standing in one place, allowing my thoughts to shake my already fragile mental balance today. I turned into the first alley in sight, letting my feet free.

I liked running from quiet streets to busy ones, and vice versa. The sleeping quarters, deserted and inhabited only by feral cats, sparrows, and the occasional NPC, were quickly interspersed with lively avenues that were rife with all kinds of races. And where the mounts and other, already unliving, means of transportation flaunted their multicolored skins. Carriages were followed by streetcar wagons, intergalactic miniliners raced on the roadway with sports cars and the fastest trotters in the game, the mirans.

I walked for hours through the seemingly endless city, descended into the underground levels, climbed onto the rooftops, passed through the shopping malls, admired the sea and the approaching sunset at the observation decks, and felt terribly exhausted, even my legs ached. Such pain was called phantom game pain.

At times, wounds from firearms or edged weapons hurt, too. My brain perceived Virtul as so realistic that it gave out such ‘surprises’ with my body. Although the pain threshold in the game was almost minimal.

They said that if you died, the pain felt like hitting your pinky toe on the sharp corner of a chair. Not too high a price to pay for the opportunity to go beyond the edge of Virtul’s life. Some players made a new avatar every day and sought to escape beyond the ‘verge’, into the netherworld, there too was an established society of its own. The ghosts of the game world were allowed a lot, they were given abilities that even at the last levels with legendary items were difficult to obtain. But at the same time, nearly all interaction with live players was limited to a minimum for them.

As the first star lit up over Marie Bay and a cold wind blew sharply from the north, bringing a thin crust of ice to the chilled ground after the recent rain, I decided that it was time.

I brought the Syracillus crystal to my lips and whispered faintly, holding back the tears that had been tearing me up all day.

“Find Krile.”

The stone in my hands pulsed with neon color, heated up, and after a little thought, exploded with light. It was all the more pleasant to find myself in near darkness. The stark contrast of ‘day and night’ made me dizzy. I tilted my head up, towards the black sky, studded with constellations and the colored silhouettes of the closest planets.

I took a few deep breaths to suppress the nausea, and was able to take a couple of steps and look around.

There was a forest, a mixture of jungle and taiga. Yes, the developers rarely cared about the natural combination of the real world, in Virtul they did whatever they wanted.

I remember once stumbling upon a grove of flowering cactuses in a swamp. So the unusual forest, teeming with fireflies, fluttering hummingbirds, and rat-raccoons, didn’t surprise me. The pine needles on the trees and under my feet shimmered with a bluish-green inner light, which created an incredible atmosphere of tranquility. And you could not tell that you were in one of the most dangerous places in the game. Few people in their right mind would venture into the Uncharted Lands without the latest upgraded equipment and advanced skills.

But I did.

I opened my inventory and pulled out the mob invisibility potion I’d been saving for this occasion. It tasted even nastier than it looked. No wonder why nobody ever used it.

The point of Krile was highlighted in dark green on the map. My husband was just a short walk away, so I didn’t even summon Aris and decided to walk, especially since it was a sin not to admire the beauty around me.

A barely visible path, hidden by fern and moss, led me to a clearing where tents and sleeping bags were nestled around a fire. I found my favorite NPC almost immediately, he was writing down in a notebook.

I nodded to a couple of acquaintances; they weren’t surprised to see me here, since I often visited my husband in his wanderings. Sometimes my soul was so unbearable that only Krile could get me out of my depressive thoughts and feelings.

I came up behind him and put my hands on his shoulders.

“I’ve missed you.”

Krile stopped writing, put his pen and notebook in his bag, and then turned to me with the most charming smile.

“And I’ve been waiting for you to show up.” He pulled me to him, cradling me gently in his arms.

“I stretched out my displeasure of not seeing you for as long as possible.”

He just smiled sadly at my remark, sensing my mood. Got to his feet and gave me his hand. I followed him without question.

We walked in silence for five minutes, Krile squinting at me occasionally but didn’t start a conversation, while I was deep in my emotions.

Every time this NPC was around, my heart beat faster. I knew it was the height of insanity to love the soulless System, but what could I do? No other living person evoked as many feelings and desires in me as this silent, unrealistic guy holding my hand right now. I was bathed in these sensations of tenderness and belonging, enjoyed his glances and deliberate gestures, his words and the sound of his voice.

The forest suddenly ended abruptly, and we found ourselves on the edge of the wild grasslands.

“I like it.”

I breathed in the cool night air and sat down on the ground.

“Yeah, it’s just grass and stars and you and me.” Krile dropped down very close to me.

He put his arm around my waist, pulling me even closer. His arms were warm, so peaceful, and my thoughts dissolved by his touch. For the first time all day, I could truly smile and shake off my frozen expression of indifference.

My hand reached for his face, my fingers running down his forehead, brushing away his bangs. I caught his every look, every glimpse of his emotions. I stared into his clear blue eyes for a long time, the stars and my reflection gleaming in them. I studied his features over and over again, the scar above his eyebrow, the dimple on his left cheek, the mole above his lip. I had created this mole myself, in a sense, I had designed Krile myself, I had prescribed how he was supposed to be. The System then added certain qualities and shortcomings, thereby making him even better, more perfect for me.

My gaze touched his lips, and, anticipating my request, my husband moved forward himself, covering my mouth with his, entwining our tongues. And I trusted his movements, his tenderness and assertiveness at the same time. Krile was the first and only one I kissed, but his kisses were so right for me that I didn’t want anyone else around me.

Only when my heart pounded in my chest with a thudding sound in my ears and my lips were painfully swollen did he pull back. I clutched his dark-blond hair so hard with my palm that if he were alive, the pain for him would be unavoidable. On the verge of shame and pleasure, escaping his piercing gaze, I ducked into his chest. His shirt smelled of herbs and honey.

“I love you, Krile.”

“I know,” he sighed.

I had no hope of a reciprocal confession. The System could not feel, could not tell a lie, it only performed operations written in advance or just made up on the basis of available data.

In a couple of long silent minutes, my husband’s question brought me back to reality.

“You already know, don’t you?”

I didn’t need to inquire about what he meant. He was aware of it himself, because the System had seen every move I made today. He only asked to keep the conversation going.

“Yes.”

I let a single tear accumulate on my lower eyelid and drip down my cheek. Then I straightened up, wiped the wetness from my eyes, and looked at my husband with cold reasonableness.

“Let’s not talk about it. Just be with me tonight.”

He nodded, and leaned back against the fallen tree, letting me comfortably lay my head on his chest. I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my cheek against the rough fabric of his shirt, feeling the warmth of his body.

We had been sitting next to each other for so long. All night long. I watched the horizon slowly brighten and listened to the steady beat of the unliving heart.

Only when it was quite dawn and the sun appeared from behind the clouds did Krile say, “I have to go now.”

I stood up slowly, shaking off my clothes and tidying my hair. The blue-eyed hottie came up to me one last time and gave me a fleeting kiss goodbye. He caught my gaze and said softly, “The colors of the skies we both looked at together, the smells of the road we walked hand in hand – don’t forget them. Please remember it.”

I could not help but smirk bitterly. This was the System’s way of saying goodbye to me.

“Okay. I will remember.”

As long as I’m alive...

Krile ran his thumb across my cheek, bent down to touch my forehead with his lips almost intangibly.

“You need to get some sleep. Don’t torture yourself and go to bed,” he said, and then turned swiftly and walked away.

I shouted at him as he was about to enter the shade of the trees.

“Krile!”

He turned around.

“Take care of Di,” I whispered. My throat was tight with tears, and I couldn’t make a loud sound.

But he heard me, nodded, and disappeared into the shadows of the forest.

I was alone in the middle of the field, stunned by the silence and confusion. A single thought ran rampant in my mind: my husband, my child, my six-year-old girl who was still a baby but already so smart, my family, my friends, my loved ones – all would be gone in a few days.

My head was surprisingly clear, my panic had receded, and I had finally made a decision for myself.

I summoned the mail panel, admired a couple of heartbeats at the shimmering Syracillus, and then sent the crystal back to the head of the guild.

You were right, Grida. ‘Never fall in love, never love anyone’ this was the ground rule, an unspoken law in Virtul. Many before me had broken it. And I had.

And the punishment was too heavy. It was weighing on my shoulders, squeezing my heart, chilling my blood and stealing my very will to live.

Soon my loved ones, the ones I wanted to be better for, the memories of whom gave me happiness, would disappear.

My heart skipped a couple of beats before finally coming to terms with the choice of my mind.

And I’m not going to watch them die.

I won’t watch them perish.

I will leave before them.