Thanatos' Voice

Thanatos’ Voice

I stepped onto the stair landing and raised myself, slowly inhaling as I let go of the handrail and placed my palm over my chest. Everything about it was suffocating: the steps that led here, the lengthy hallway, the pungent air inside the building…all of them.

I cast my gaze up to the moldy ceiling. Slowly, I breathed in and then breathed out.

“When will you show up? Oh, my God of Death...?"

My voice was so faint that I could hardly recognize it as mine.

I faced the front again and began to walk. Whenever I have trouble breathing, I would always go to the rooftop to calm myself down. Usually, the rooftop was deserted at midnight, but as I pushed open the door, I found someone standing there alone.

Woman…

She was the new tenant who moved in not too long ago. I avoided looking at her as I passed the doorway and walked to reach the edge of the building. Suddenly, I heard her speak for the first time.

“Hey.”

Like a fleeting drop of water into Lake Biwa, her voice was gentle. It reminded me of my hometown.

“Do you want to die?”

Her words stopped me, my breathing, and even my thoughts.

“Yes.”

I met her eyes and she gazed into me blankly, like a void that nulled all and any kind of light, or like a vacuum that could absorb my soul right this instant.

“I see.”

She passed me and didn't say anything else, but I kept staring at her until she vanished behind the door—only then could I breathe, only then did my chest start to hurt again.

I knew people who had died in accidents or by committing suicide. One was an office worker, one a teenager, one a drunkard, and now that woman. They all had different statuses and social positions, but they shared a common similarity. There would always be a dark, cloudy presence looming over them.

It was Thanatos.

Ever since that night, I experienced labored breathing more frequently. Furthermore, when this occurred, my lungs felt like they were being pricked by needles every time I inhaled. I crouched on my bed; I was suffocating. I grappled the sheets as I gasped for air.

The relief came immediately as oxygen flowed into my lungs, but at the same time, it felt like I was stabbed by a blade. I no longer knew what I was supposed to do. To feel relief, I needed to endure pain, and I had to repeat it, over and over again. I was at my limit.

It hurts. It hurts… I want to die already.

Although I harbored the wish, I knew I couldn't go through with it. Cutting myself, hanging, or jumping off the building—all failed. As much as I yearned for death, I feared it. There always remained a final voice that convinced me to stop. I supposed somewhere within my heart, I still desired to live.

That's why I longed for someone to take me, to guide me, and to strip away my reason.

I stared at the dim ceiling, specifically, at the black mist that hung above me, starkly visible even at night.

"Hey... When... will show up? God of Death...?"

Thanatos would take the form of your ideal partner and lure you to its grasp. I wanted to stare at death, but it remained unchanging. The mist served to remind me that it ruled over me, but it also suggested that it didn’t want to claim me just yet.

I clutched my chest as I began to drag my feet from the apartment towards the rooftop.

I needed to get there...

My mind was solely fixated on my destination. Despite my limp and the difficulty in moving, I pressed on. The chest pain showed no signs of abating, and breathing remained a struggle, but I desperately continued to inch along the cold walls. If I didn't, I feared I might collapse.

Step. Step. Step.

I couldn't tell how much time had elapsed. Each step felt like it took a minute. I couldn't even discern if I encountered anyone or if someone passed me on the way here. It took all my focus just to keep my body moving.

I slowly exhaled and then inhaled as I reached the highest landing of the stairs. I pushed the already ajar door with slight vigor and as soon as it settled, I saw two people on the roof, standing outside the railing.

My chest constricted, and a sharp, prickling pain gripped me intensely.

I could barely make out their faces, but I knew immediately that it was the female tenant and her lover. Above her head, a dark mist loomed. Whenever she gazed at it, it swirled, contracted, and condensed, acting in a varied manner. To her, it must have appeared as her ideal companion.

“There’s no God of Death!”

The man was attempting to persuade her, but his frustration grew evident, and she began to cry.

It hurts.

—The familiar pain assailed me. The prickling sensation became unbearable, and I collapsed, scrambling to the floor.

“The God of Death would never do that...!”

It’s painful.

The air around me grew thin, making each breath a struggle. The city lights took on a hazy glow, and their conversation became almost inaudible. All I knew was that they were shouting at each other.

I closed my eyes, feeling really tired.

“I just wanna die!”

I reopened my eyes.

I gazed around and my eyes immediately caught sight of her face. She was smiling at him, a smile as pure as a sunflower on a bright day, as sweet as ripe strawberries, and as deep as the night sky.

—I gripped my chest, squeezing my skin tightly. Pain was piercing my chest like a blade, sharp and curved, and it drilled a hole through my entire being. Despite that, I peeled my eyes wide and burned each following moment into my retinas.

They were smiling at each other as they held each other's hands, fingers intertwining gently. They finally reached an understanding.

The wind blew, delicately ruffling her hair as she turned to glance at me. Her smile, almost sympathetic, etched a mark on my heart. She stood barefoot at the building's edge, drawing the man closer to her until their figures merged as one.

The mist that once possessed her had vanished, the city lights no longer cast an obscuring glow, and all sound had faded into silence. The wind, too, stopped blowing.

At that instant, they set off, and ran through the night.

I couldn't explain exactly how it happened; it felt like I was in a trance. The next moment I realized, I found myself beyond the fence, standing on the building's edge where they had stood just moments before.

I gazed down at the dark concrete below, unable to discern the details. Yet, at that moment, I knew for certain that they had become one, they were together.

She was his God of Death.

I was breathing normally, and my chest was no longer in pain. Numerous thoughts swirled inside my head: reason, logic, and desires. Among them, one ruled my mind: I wanted to do the same.

—A voice whispered from behind me, like a droplet falling into a calm lake.

"Do you want to die with me?"

I sucked in air sharply.

“Don't mess with me! Don't you dare use that voice to seduce me!"

"Go on, jump."

"I will! I will…! But I don’t need your help. Go away!”

With that, the presence dissipated after a short, chilling chuckle.

I desperately yearned to meet my God of Death before, but at this moment, I vehemently refused to see it. I knew whose form it assumed. Her seductive gaze, her alluring voice—just the mere thought of it being directed at me was sickening.

She is his, and he is hers.

I belonged to no one. I was my own, my own God of Death. I needed no one to guide me and I would end it myself.

I refused to become entwined with them. I would not be among them. I was completely unrelated to their world. I would meet my end soon, but not tonight, not at this building, and not in this city.

I will die on my own… On my own.