Looking Back, Moving Forward

I didn't like to think back on the past all too often and my memories of those times were hazy at best. When I thought back as far as I could, an image of a younger me was playing through the neighbourhood, always accompanied by another boy the same age. He may not yet have become the rebellious teenager with the dyed blonde hair, but it was still the same Shinohara Ryuji.

I could remember one particular day, we were traipsing about looking for buried treasure. I don't think either of us were actually expecting to find anything, the thrill of the search alone was enough for us. We'd been searching around the perimeter of the local park for some time before either of us found anything. I had almost missed it entirely if it wasn't for the glint of the sun being reflected off of its surface. I knelt down and began digging through the dirt until I was able to free it. It appeared to be some kind of collectible pin of a mascot character. I called over Shinohara and showed him my treasure, but he was just as in the dark as I was as to the character's identity.

"No idea. Still, I told ya we'd find some treasure here," he beamed.

"It looks kinda like a fox," I suggested.

"Huh, yeah it does," Shinohara leaned in to take a closer look, "it must be from something super old."

"Here," I said, handing it to Shinohara, "you can have it."

"Nah, Ren. You're the one who found it, that's all yours."

I smiled happily, and pocketed my prize.

I returned home to find Mom wrestling with an unruly little Hikari, who refused to keep still long enough to be changed. When she had finally managed to emerge victorious, Mom eyed me up and down.

"Your clothes are filthy, where have you been?"

"With Ryuji, looking for treasure!"

She chuckled at that, "so? Did you two adventurers discover anything valuable?"

I grinned and pulled out the pin.

"Oh, it's Akakitsu! Now that takes me back."

"Akakitsu?" I repeated back to her.

"Mhm, he's from a show I watched when I was little, I haven't seen him in so long."

Shinohara was amazed when I bragged that I had discovered the pin's secret identity.

"Wow, you're like a detective or something! So cool."

I grinned proudly.

"So, it's name is Akakitsu, huh?"

"Yeah, apparently."

Shinohara took the pin and rolled it around in his palm, "I wonder what his show was like."

"Dunno," I responded, "it was probably pretty cool though."

When he was finished inspecting it, he handed it back to me and I attached it to the backpack that I always used to carry around.

I wonder what happened to that old pin. I was fairly certain I didn't still have it. Maybe it was thrown in amongst some of my old things somewhere or…

Ah, I remember now…

It was probably a year or so after that day, when my Dad had broken the news to me. He had gotten a new job, a well paying one, but it meant that we would have to move. It didn't quite register with me what his words truly meant at first.

We'd be moving away from Shinohara.

"It's not fair," I had kicked off, not wanting to lose everything that I had known up until that point.

Not wanting to lose my friend.

My Mom kneeled down to comfort me, but she didn't try to counter the decision. The plans had already been set in stone. We would be leaving within two weeks, I had no say in the matter.

I continued to hang out with Shinohara over those final two weeks. I had resolved to spend as much of it with him as I could, though I couldn't bring myself to tell him the news. I felt like I was betraying him by not saying it, but how could I? How could you put something like that into words? 

'I'm never going to see you again.'

It made me choke up just thinking about it.

But Shinohara had always been able to see right through me. He could tell that there was something bothering me. Eventually, he asked me what I was hiding. I hesitated, but I told him the truth, that this could be the last time we see each other.

All he did in response was punch me in the arm and grin, "cheer up, Ren. We'll see each other again someday, I promise!"

I was barely holding back tears at that point. I wanted to believe him, but I knew he was only lying to make us both feel better.

And then an idea came to me.

"I want you to have this," I said, pulling the Akakitsu pin from my bag and handing it to him.

"No way," he yelled, "I said that was yours, didn't I?"

"Then keep it safe for me."

He looked me in the eyes, "...Ren?"

"If we ever do meet again, then you can give it back to me, right?"

Shinohara hesitated, but he took the pin, his fist clenching down tightly on it.

"Okay," he said firmly, "I'll keep it safe 'til then."

It wasn't until highschool that we saw each other again. At first I didn't even recognise him. He was loud, brash and had dyed his hair a bright shade of blond.

A total delinquent.

He was exactly the kind of person I had grown to avoid. He wasn't the only one who had changed drastically since our childhood. I had slowly found it harder and harder to open up to people, and felt safest when I hid myself away in my shell. As painful as it was to admit, we had both grown into two very different people, walking down opposite paths. Shinohara would try and speak to me here and there, probably just as a sign of respect to someone he used to know. I never really knew the best way to respond. Whatever I said back would just feel awkward and forced, and I tended to just avoid those situations where I could.

Right now, up here on the roof, was probably the most we had ever said to each other this past year and a half. But now all of a sudden he wanted to spend more time with each other for what he claimed was for old times sake?

Why now of all times?

"Ah," Shinohara exclaimed, letting go of my arm.

He crouched down, fumbling through his bag for something. When he stood back up, he held out his enclosed fist to me. I stared at him quizzically. He motioned for me to take whatever it was he was offering, so I obliged and held out my hand. Shinohara deposited something small and round into my open palm. It was beaten and worn from age, but I recognised it immediately.

It was the Akakitsu pin.

"You still have this?" I asked, dumbfounded.

Shinohara nodded in response, "course I did. I said I'd return it one day, didn't I?"

My eyes grew wide. 

In that moment everything became crystal clear to me. Shinohara must have been carrying this old pin in his bag each and every day on the off chance that we would be able to speak with each other. He had been trying his hardest to close the distance between us all this time, a distance that I had stubbornly self-imposed. If only I had realised this sooner, if only I had listened, it would have saved so much hurt on both sides.

"I've been an idiot," I said, and my old friend smiled back at me.