In Oblivion pt 4

“Usually, on long quests in Virtul, a bard would come in on an evening like this and sing sad songs,” Circul said thoughtfully. The flames of the fire burned in his eyes and made me want to stare at them forever.

“I'm for the bard,” I said, immediately pleased, remembering that there were more ways to pass the time than mournful talk under the moonlit sky.

The sparks from the fire were like insects, leaping out of the fire pile with avid stubbornness and hovering in the air, resembling living creatures. I covered my eyelids, gathered my thoughts, and sang.

♪ It's okay, even if there's nothing around.

It's okay, if sadness consumes me.

The black clouds are gathering again

Even if I'm still in the clouds

Even if I'm shattered again

And my wings are broken

Even if I'm losing myself

It's all right

I'm my own salvation ♪

I didn't know why that song came to mind, but as soon as I opened my eyes, my gaze fell on Grant, who was tense and surrounded by fireflies. The young man was staring at something beyond the trees. I turned and froze as well.

Mati walked towards us, treading softly on the fallen pine needles, and only the wind occasionally picked up the tinkling of bells. Without saying a word, Matina came to the fire, sat down opposite us.

“Tina, you...” Circul’s voice failed him, so he gasped barely audibly.

The girl looked up at him with a blank stare of dark, pupilless eyes, then rested her elbows on her bent knees, put her cheeks on her palms and gazed thoughtfully at the flames of the fire.

The young man watched his beloved without taking his gaze off her, admiring every feature of her face.

‘I wish I could see Krile too...’ a stray thought slipped through my mind.

“I think we're still in the Labyrinth. Then this isn't about truth. This is where thoughts come to life,” Grant said. “Siri, have you been thinking about foxes and wolves?”

I didn't have to answer; the guy had already guessed from my dazed look.

I remembered that I'd thought a few times about the cold and the North Pole. I'd compared Grant's smile to that of a fox, and I'd imagined the moon with wolves howling at it.

There's no way my imagination could be realised! Thanks for not thinking about spiders.

Why did I do that now? Gosh, who asked me to bring them here?

“Grant, use your magic now!” I moved right up to him. “We don't have much time. There'll be spiders here soon! We have to get out of here before they come.”

The guy sighed heavily, but nodded.

“Go away,” he said to Tina, but she didn't listen, so he turned to me. “Tell her. It seems the Labyrinth only reacts to you.”

“Matina,” I called softly, and the girl looked up immediately. “Please, I beg you... go away.”

A few heartbeats and the silhouette before us burst into flames, scarlet sparks scattering across the grass.

Circul looked at the spot where Tina was sitting for a minute and then, without looking at me, he commanded, “Now, in your imagination, picture something that can stop or hold back this herd of spiders.”

“But what should I think?” I panicked.

“I don't know!” Grant also shouted. “Invent some kind of spider-eater. Or even better, two or a hundred...”

I immediately closed my eyes and imagined huge elephant-like monsters with trunks the size of nine-storey buildings, sucking up everything arthropod and multi-eyed like a vacuum cleaner.

“That's it,” I breathed out, hoping my made-up monsters could handle the fruits of my own sick imagination.

“Good, get closer,” Grant stretched, kneaded his stiff muscles, sat up straight and fixed his dark gaze on me.

In the next five minutes I had time to cry, to laugh, to philosophise about the moon, to be disappointed that the fire wasn't bright enough, to marvel at the stars in the sky, to be annoyed at the fireflies, to think with anticipation about my plan of revenge on Barg the pug for stealing my slipper while I was showering.

I panicked at the shadows in the woods, mourned my fleeting youth, remembered the stale dumplings with reverence – at which point I almost rebelled and lashed out at Grant, but he laughed and replaced my emotion with admiration for his abilities.

I also longed for ice cream, blamed myself for all the world's troubles, resented the ants, was angry about the new taxes, was jealous of the birch and the ash, felt sorry for the stones under my feet, and waited hopefully for the dawn. I had gone through almost the entire spectrum of emotions and seemed to be completely burnt out. I had almost no energy left to breathe and enjoy life.

“I think you've had enough,” Grant said quietly, looking at me sadly.

“Don't stop,” asked I. Excitement blazed in me.

“Really? Shall I go on?” His black eyes suddenly lit up with sparks.

I felt embarrassed under Circul’s gaze and fluttered in the warm breeze, bathed in tenderness as I looked at the young man again, reaching for him with delight, wanting to stroke his silky hair, and then recoiled uncomfortably from him, the further I went the more disgust rose in me. I froze, trying to figure out if the feeling was my own or if it was still being forced upon me.

Despair crept in for a moment and cold tears ran down my cheeks again.

“That's enough!” I jumped up.

The wind died down from my scream and the mist drifted across the ground, covering the clearing in silence. I realised, to my embarrassment, that my impulse to touch the guy was real, but he was the one who'd made me dislike him.

I felt terribly awkward and exhaled, trying to collect my thoughts, and looked at Grant, his eyes filled with contempt.

“One minute you say you hate me, the next you're reaching out to hug me. Siri, do you have a split personality?” he asked coldly.

I lowered my eyes to hide my disgust at myself. It seemed I'd relaxed too much, surrounded by the carefree aura of the president's son, letting my heart get used to the living soul who had been with me for twenty-four hours, breathing in unison, thinking the same way I did, laughing when I laughed, longing for the same things I did.

I had promised myself that I would never let anyone into my world again, never consider anyone a friend or a loved one. I had sworn vengeance on Risor Circul, I wanted him dead, I could not sympathise with his son.

Even if I'd fallen in love with him, there would have been no chance of a happy ending. Our environment, our families, our backgrounds wouldn't have allowed it.

I was so sick of myself that I wanted to die here and now so that I wouldn't feel so pathetic, so spineless, so stupid, so caught up in a fleeting emotion. I laughed helplessly, trying to hold back the tears.

Everything inside me was turning upside down, the storm that had passed had decided to come back and finish what it had started – to tear apart what was still relatively safe. I bit my lip, trying to calm myself down and pull myself together, but the pressurised atmosphere of Oblivion, coupled with the recent marathon of mental torture my vis-a-vis had given me, was making me hysterical.

“Siri, are you all right?” Grant asked cautiously.

“Leave me alone! Let me cry, can't you see I'm not happy?” I turned away so I wouldn't have to see those black eyes that were always studying me.

The guy moved closer and grabbed my chin to catch my gaze. Magic poured out of him again.

“I like you better angry,” he exhaled before letting me go.

I pulled away and slammed my fist into the ground, suppressing the anger that had been imposed. The idea of trusting my emotions to Grant didn't seem so sensible anymore. I felt regret, but for a different reason.

“Forgive me. I don't understand my own feelings,” I said quietly.

“If that's the case... I'll forgive you this time,” Grant leaned forward, nothing boyish about him now, speaking with the tone of a man who had long ago divided the world in right and wrong. And right in his mind was his point of view. “But in the future I hope you will make up your mind about your feelings.”

“I'm tired...” I collapsed onto the sleeping bag and tucked my hands under my cheek. The flames of the fire were soothing, my body was so exhausted that I didn't even want to cry or feel sorry for myself – I just didn't have the strength. “Your magic seems to be endless. We'll never use it up. How do we get out?”

“Well, there's another way.”

I even lifted myself up to face this silenced guy accusingly. “And you kept quiet about it?”

“I didn't want to use it until the last minute. Because the pain you'll face... it'll be real.”

“So?” I've never been afraid of pain. Unless it was mental, of course.

“Okay,” Circul surrendered. “We must die.”

“Won't it drive us mad?”

“If death is voluntary, no.”

Glancing up at the sky, I grinned. My death would be more voluntary than anything else.

‘Let's think of it as a rehearsal for what will happen in less than three months' time…’

“Do you agree?” the guy asked incredulously.

“Yes. Better death than Oblivion,” I sang with a big smile. “How do we kill ourselves?”

“Your enthusiasm frightens me,” the young man said seriously, looking for something in his rucksack.

“As my auntie used to say, it is better to face death with a smile on your face than with tears in your eyes. The former isn't as scary.”

“So you're afraid of it?”

“No, I want to scare it.”

“I thought you never had an auntie.”

“I do, Grant. That's what I call our neighbour. She's a very wise woman, she wouldn't have liked you at first sight.”

Circul smirked and tucked his black hair back.

“Here, drink this,” he held out a clear bottle the size of his little finger.

“What's this?”

“Drink. You need to. Otherwise you won't get out of here.”

“How about you?”

“I've taken it before, so I don't need any more,” Grant smiled weakly and looked regretfully at the vial in my hand.

Suspiciously, but nevertheless, I swallowed the tasteless contents of the bottle.

“Now close your eyes and imagine some kind of weapon,” the guy ordered.

“For what?”

“What are you gonna kill me with?”

“So we're going to kill each other?” I couldn't hold back my surprised exclamation, and my imagination immediately conjured up the ‘romantic’ death of two lovers according to the canon.

Next to a tree, a pair of daggers crashed into the ground.

Wow, that worked. Maybe we shouldn't be in such a hurry to get out of here. I wouldn't mind a whole hot pizza right now, with the cheese melting on it.

The young man by my side exhaled in disappointment and despair. “Siri, couldn't you have thought of firearms or two cups of poison? Why do you want a cold weapon?”

I shrugged, closed my eyes – and nothing happened.

“Okay,” Grant sighed, looking at my attempts to ‘summon’ more humane forms of ‘death’. “Looks like the Labyrinth wants us to use daggers.”

I reached for the blades and lifted them up, fascinated by the glow of the flames on the steel. The handles were covered in leather and the tops inlaid with jewels. I'd seen these daggers somewhere before...

Circul carefully took one of the blades from my hands and swung it around a few times to get used to it.

“You have to hit the heart. That's the quickest and most painless way to die,” Grant warned, aiming at my shirt. “Let's go.”

“Where to?”

“I'm not going to die in the middle of the forest when there's a more scenic spot nearby.”

I rolled my eyes and followed the guy with a sigh. There was something romantic about him.

Although, yes, I too would rather spend my last breath admiring the moon and enjoying the scent of the herbs and flowers than trying to find a comfortable position and wriggling on the ground because the pine needles are pricking my back.

We stopped in the middle of the meadow and sat comfortably facing each other, each of us looking everywhere but at the other's face, delaying ‘that’ moment.

“On the count of three?” Grant finally raised his black eyes to me.

I touched his chest with my hands.

“What are you doing?” His pupils dilated in surprise and his always pale cheeks turned pink.

“Can't you see I'm looking for your heart?” I grumbled, unhappy that I was being prevented from catching a beat.

“Just hit it between the ribs.”

“I know. I got the highest grade in Anatomy my first year at school.”

“Only in your first year?”

“Then I lost interest in studying,” I smiled broadly. “But don't worry, I'll kill you quickly and painlessly. I hope so.”

“Likewise.”

We didn't wait any longer, Cirkul Junior smiled encouragingly and tightened the hilt of his dagger. We plunged our blades into each other almost simultaneously.

The guy slumped backwards, covered his eyes, and after a few long tens of seconds, the sparks were scattered.

I sat with a huge dagger in my chest in the middle of the meadow, which smelled of buds that had opened just for that night.

“Grant, you're such a muff. Couldn't you have hit it a few centimetres to the left? Am I supposed to sit here and wait for all the blood to drain out of my wound? Or until I starve to death?” I nearly howled at the moon.

Surprisingly, I didn't feel any of the pain Grant had mentioned. I didn't feel much at all, except for the cold, gusting wind that blew the stars out of the sky and made it darker with every breath I took.

Although Oblivion was a frightening place, I liked the constellations in the dark blue sky and the flowers in the vast green ocean. I would like to think about them in the last moments of my life, if I were really dying now...

“My sweetheart...”

I turned round. My dying heart clenched. Krile's blue eyes stared back at me.

My husband came closer, leaned in and smiled faintly, running his palm across my forehead. I tried to smile back, but my face cramped, so I just closed my eyes and savoured the touch.

The last thing I remembered before the real darkness engulfed me was the barely perceptible chill of Krile's fingers stroking my lips.

My lips that still remembered the warmth of his lifeless breath.

× × Death’s desire × ×

♪ It's okay, even though the end is coming.

It's okay even if the pain consumes me,

When the clouds gather again

It's okay if I'm lost in an endless dream.

It's all right if I get a good thrashing,

Even if it breaks my wings and pushes me to the ground.

And even if one day I suddenly stop being me,

It's okay, because I'm the only one who can save me.

I'm always in trouble, but I never die.

“How are you?”

“I'm fine. My sky is clear.”

To all suffering I say:

“Goodbye, have a good journey.”

Save me. Cause I'm fine ♪