CHAPTER 7

Around sunset Calem had readied himself and the room for the evening ahead. He began watching a movie so that Ben would not think he had nothing to do but to idly wait for him. Closing his eyes, he envisioned the night that awaited them. When he reopened them, it was already nearing midnight.

Calem slowly sat up in the dimly lit room, bringing his knees to his chin, embracing them. The glow of the TV screen flickered in the background as a whirlwind of emotions unleashed within him. Disappointment and hurt drew lines on his face, mirroring the anguish in his chest. He had eagerly anticipated Ben’s visit, but the empty space beside him told a different story. The weight of unspoken expectations clung to the air, leaving Calem to struggle with a sense of being taken for granted. Conflicting with this bitterness was the haunting contrast of the warmth he had felt in Ben’s company the day before - a warmth that now seemed distant and fleeting. Conflicting thoughts raced through his mind, a tumultuous mix of feeling inconsequential and, paradoxically, remembering the times when he had felt truly valued by Ben. It was a painful contrast that left Calem questioning the nature of their connection and the sincerity behind the moments that had once brought them inexpressible joy.

Calem did not go to church that week, feeling as if he were coming down with a cold. And so, two weeks passed without any contact from Ben, each day dragging on endlessly. Whenever the phone rang or a car stopped outside the house, Calem would pause whatever he was doing, eagerly checking to see if it was Ben.

After an exceptionally beautiful summer’s day, as twilight descended, Calem settled in to listen to a newly purchased recording of Kathleen Battle’s ‘Sings Mozart.’ Battle’s performance of Basta, vincesti drew an unexpected profound emotional reaction from Calem. Dido’s lament, expressing a range of emotions from fear and sorrow to loss and resignation, mirrored Calem’s own heartbreak. Her clear, crystalline, and radiant voice skilfully negotiated the emotional demands of the music through her unique expressive phrasing and shaping of its beautiful melody. The powerful combination of Mozart’s music and Battle’s hauntingly nuanced performance, weaving through the silence of the night, captured the intense feelings that clashed within Calem. As he replayed the track for the umpteenth time, he was surprised to see Ben, who had been standing outside, watching him.

“Open the door.”

Ben looked very distracted.

When Calem did not move, Ben, growing impatient, opened the window even wider to allow him to climb into the room. As he squeezed through the window, he intentionally landed right on top of Calem.

“We have a date, remember?”

“That was two weeks ago.”

Calem looked away, smelling alcohol on his breath, as Ben unbuttoned his jeans.

“Have you been drinking?”

“No.”

Calem stared at Ben in disbelief; Ben stopped undressing as their eyes locked.

“Maybe,” Ben said.

“What do you mean, ‘Maybe’?”

Unexpectedly, Ben rested his head on Calem’s chest, his left hand reaching for Calem’s right hand.

“Something came up. I needed some time to clear my head and sort some things out.”

When he saw Calem not responding to him, he untangled his fingers from Calem’s and sat up. Calem tried to get up, but Ben pinned him down. When Calem stopped resisting him, Ben returned to his side and placed his head on Calem’s shoulder.

“Don’t be like this.”

Ben slowly leaned in, moving his head toward Calem’s neck, all the while reaching again for Calem’s hand. Even as Calem turned away, Ben persisted, nuzzling into his neck, and softly breathed the word “Please” into his ear.

Ben moved closer, and when the lower part of his body came into contact with Calem’s, Calem did not feel the familiar hardness pressing into him. Although Calem enjoyed this tender side of Ben and longed for it to continue, he made another attempt to get off the bed. Swiftly, Ben restrained him more firmly with his legs and then sat up to remove his own t-shirt.

Ben lowered his face, his eyes locking onto Calem’s with an intense gaze.

“Why are you being so fucking difficult tonight?”

Calem turned his head away from him. Ben lowered his mouth to Calem’s upturned ear.

“Kneel.”

Calem refused. Ben’s attempts to turn Calem on to his stomach failed. When it became apparent that he would not succeed, Ben gave up with a sigh and released Calem. Ben sat on the edge of the bed, putting his head into his hands.

“Whatever,” Ben said.

Ben turned back to Calem, eyes glowing with anger, and renewed his attack, this time with more force. Despite Calem’s attempts to free himself, Ben’s grip proved too strong. Calem surrendered, laying back as his head fell onto the pillow. Unexpectedly, Ben, not anticipating Calem’s surrender, applied more force than necessary. In the struggle, he accidentally lost his grip on Calem’s arm and elbowed him in the face just as Calem raised his head. Immediately, Ben released him and tenderly embraced him, attempting to offer comfort. After a few moments, Calem sat up, planted his feet on the ground, and remained seated on the edge of the bed.

“I’m sorry. You know it was an accident. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry,” Ben said.

Ben squatted in front of Calem, gently rubbing his hands on Calem’s thighs to soothe him. Calem struggled to collect his thoughts as the punch left his face burning with a spreading sensation of heat. In silence, Ben sat next to Calem on the bed, resting his head on Calem’s shoulder, unsure of what to do next.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t see you sooner. I had a problem with Sarah.”

“What? Is she pregnant?”

Ben lifted his head from Calem’s shoulder, sat up, then rested his head in his hands.

“Yeah.”

They both remained quiet as the weight of the news sank in, its impact deepening as Calem wrestled with the effort of processing it.

“She doesn’t want to get an abortion. These past few weeks have been so fucked up. I honestly don’t know what to do. We told our parents. They told us we have to get married. I’ve been trying to find a way out of this.”

A tense silence followed.

“Congratulations. I guess.”

Uncertain about what to do next, Calem looked directly into Ben’s eyes, shrugging his shoulders.

“Thanks,” Ben said.

“Yeah, good for you. What a stud!”

Calem felt anger building up inside him as Ben put his t-shirt back on.

“Calem it’s not like that. When we started, I stopped with her. She asked to see me the day after we went to the movies. And that’s why I haven’t been able to come to see you. I’ve been dealing with her almost every day, trying to convince her to have an abortion because this is not what I want ... I want...”

Ben’s eyes widened in panic as he stopped himself, placing his face in his palms, while Calem turned towards him with impatience.

“Well, what do you want?”

Ben looked into Calem’s eyes and then glanced down at the floor, letting out a sigh. It dawned on Ben that he could not admit his feelings for Calem, neither to himself nor to Calem.

“Nothing, forget it.”

“Well, by the sounds of things, you’d better find out what you want. And be quick about it, too.”

“Fuck! I don’t know. I’m so fucking confused.”

“I think you should go home.”

“No. I need to be here with you. And I want things to be back to how they were.”

“I think you had better go to your girlfriend… I mean fiancée... wife… mother of your child… whatever. I guess you guys still have a lot to talk about… a marriage to plan.”

Calem craved to embrace Ben, to help ease the struggle he was facing, but refrained from doing so.

“She wants to. I don’t... I mean, I can’t. These last few days, I needed space to think about what I want from life... Things with you are so easy.”

Ben moved closer to Calem.

“Oh, so I am easy?”

Ben ignored him and continued to move closer. Calem did not stop him, but neither did he respond to Ben’s tongue working its way into his mouth. When Calem did not reciprocate, Ben withdrew, a questioning look in his eyes.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Ben said.

“Ben, I’m not your cum-rag!”

“You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

Ben again tried to kiss Calem, but Calem pulled away.

“Yeah? Well, how did you mean it?”

Ben, too, pulled away in anger when Calem stood up.

“I’m not taking shit from you too!”

“Well, you don’t need to!”

“What do you mean?”

“We need to stop then. I can’t go on with whatever this is. Maybe you should go home now!”

“The fuck?”

Ben pulled Calem to the bed. Calem got up again, and Ben sprang up behind him, turning him around and pushing him against the wardrobe. He interlocked their fingers, resting his head on Calem’s shoulders, waiting for Calem to cease struggling.

“Calem, I can’t fight you, too!”

“What are we doing here? Nothing can come of us! And now you are having a baby.”

“Do you want me to break up with her?”

“What? No! You can’t now!”

“I will if you want me to.”

“Really?”

Ben looked up directly into Calem’s eyes, his voice filled with desperation.

“Yes, I mean it.”

“So, you want us to be boyfriends?”

For the first time Calem saw fear and uncertainty on Ben’s face as Ben looked away.

“Well, whatever you want, if anyone finds out about us … I don’t even want to think about it. You won’t be vilified as the fag homewrecker. I’ll be crucified. Jesus Chris, I might even be excommunicated.”

Calem’s mind raced through all the potential outcomes if their relationship were to ever become public knowledge.

“What are you talking about?”

Ben looked at Calem in disbelief.

“Do you realise that if we do not end whatever this is between us, I would have to bear the responsibility for the future unhappiness of your unborn child.”

Ben raised his head and looked at Calem in disbelief.

“This conversation has inflated beyond crazy. Do you hear what you are saying?”

Ben moved in closer to him. This time Ben embraced him tightly in an effort to fuse their bodies into one being. As Ben rested his head on Calem’s shoulders, Calem felt moisture against his skin as Ben sniffed a couple of times.

“I can’t go on like this,” Calem said.

Calem unsuccessfully tried to free himself again.

“Then stop complicating things!”

Ben reluctantly released Calem’s hands while maintaining their close body contact.

“I’m the one complicating things? You made your choice a few weeks ago. Enjoy!”

Calem reached for the bedroom door, but Ben prevented him from opening the door.

“I will fix everything. Please don’t do this.”

“How do you propose to do this? Unfuck her?”

“I’ll break up with her, whether she decides to keep the baby or not.”

“We are done here. Really.”

Ben felt a surge of fury within himself.

“We are done when I say we are done!”

Calem took a step away from Ben and realised he had to do something to ensure that Ben would permanently leave his life that night.

“I’ve been fucking someone else.”

Ben’s eyes widened with a mix of anger and disbelief; his gaze locked onto Calem.

“Right! Who?”

A bitter smile spread over Calem’s face.

“It’s none of your business.”

“You are lying!”

Even though Ben recognised the deception in Calem’s eyes, a rush of anger coursed through his body.

“Maybe. But I guess you’ll never know for sure.”

The thought of Calem being with someone else progressively made it difficult for Ben to restrain his temper.

“I’ll give you one more chance to take that back.”

Calem remained silent, recognising that Ben’s anger was on the brink of boiling over. Ben placed his hands beside Calem’s face, struggling to focus and collect his thoughts. His frustration erupted as he slammed his right open palm into the wardrobe beside Calem.

“You’re lying!”

“Am I?”

Without warning Ben took a step back and slapped Calem with such force that he stumbled and fell on to the bed.

“I fucking warned you!”

Ben lost control of himself as he, too, got on to the bed and held Calem down without trouble. Calem turned his head, freeing one of his hands to reach for the corner of his mouth. The sting of the blow kept spreading across his face leaving him momentarily at a loss for words or actions.

“I lied. I just wanted you to leave. There’s no-one. I swear.”

Ben reached for Calem’s arms, pinning him down, and stared wildly into his eyes in a silence charged with threat. In those cold eyes, Calem saw an unfettered darkness swirling with rage and chaos he had never thought possible. Calem’s eyes widened in terror as he grasped the profound cruelty unleashed within Ben by the mere mention of a fabricated betrayal. Hanging his head, Ben looked away, then swung it from left to right as if in a trance, slowly lowering it. The motion stopped when his nose brushed against Calem’s. Then, with a chilling deliberation, he slowly opened his eyes. At first, they seemed unfocused, as if he were in a crazed stupor; then, they transformed before Calem, filled with a single-minded, deadened emotion.

“Calem, listen to me, and hear this: I swear to God, if you ever betray me, you will live to regret it for the rest of your life. As God is my witness!”

Before he could react, Ben flipped him on to his stomach and sat on his back, pinning his arms under his legs. He grabbed Calem by the neck, and slowly moved to rest his head to Calem’s neck.

“You’d better stay still!”

Calem stopped his struggle immediately.

Ben, staring blankly at the back of Calem’s head for a few moments, lowered his boxers. Before he could object Ben had undone his own jeans as well. Calem closed his eyes as he heard Ben spitting. Within seconds Calem felt Ben prodding between his legs. Ben finally found what he had been looking for and roughly entered Calem with unexpected force and speed. Every fibre of Calem’s body tensed up in pain as Ben relentlessly kept thrusting into him. Calem remained silent, thinking it preferable to submit, rather than risk drawing attention to themselves. Very shortly Calem felt rigid convulsions inside him signal the end as Ben collapsed on top of Calem. They lay in a sweaty mess for a few moments until Ben withdrew, and rolled to his side.

A look of alarm spread across Ben’s face when he looked over to Calem who was still lying on his stomach.

“Fuck! I’m sorry!” Ben said.

“What?”

Calem raised his head to look at Ben, who wore a look of panic on his face.

“There’s blood, everywhere!”

“What?”

“I’m sorry!”

Calem got up immediately and went into the bathroom. When Calem returned minutes later, he found Ben still sitting on the bed, appearing to be in a state of shock. Calem went back into the bathroom to retrieve a damp towel. He held it out to Ben. But Ben sat motionless and ignored him. After a few moments of getting no reaction from Ben, Calem knelt and carefully cleaned the intermingled red and white stains off Ben. When he finished, he returned the towel to the bathroom. Upon his return, Ben was still seated in the same position. He knelt in front of Ben and helped him dress so that he could leave when he was ready to.

Calem not knowing what to do, sat in silence next to Ben on the bed. Eventually Calem became too tired and reluctantly lay down on the bed, facing the window. Without saying anything Ben, too, reclined and pulled Calem into his embrace. By this point Calem was too tired to offer any further physical or emotional resistance to Ben’s demands.

“You can’t stay here.”

Ben said nothing, tightening Calem in his embrace.

They continued to lay, bodies intertwined, in this silence until they fell asleep. Throughout the night, every time Calem attempted to disentangle himself from Ben’s embrace, Ben would unwittingly draw Calem back in, and tighten his grip around him.

Calem woke up the next morning with his head resting on Ben’s left shoulder. Ben, who now sleeping peacefully, seemingly unburdened by the events that had happened the night before. The calm expression on his face stood in stark contrast to the disturbed look he had worn the previous evening. The conflicting emotions of uncertainty, desperation, anger, impatience, and frustration that Calem had seen in Ben the night before had entirely dissipated. With a hesitant touch, he traced the fading marks on his skin, remnants of the struggle that had unfolded in the previous evening. As Calem gently untangled himself from the embrace, Ben’s eyes flickered open. The tranquillity they had felt evaporated as the events of the previous night rushed back into their minds like a torrent breaking through a dam wall. Calem sat up and attempted to get off the bed, but Ben also sat up and pulled him back.

“Let’s forget about last night. Let’s start over.”

Ben rested his head against Calem’s back.

“No. Let’s not forget it. We should go our separate ways.”

Calem stood up, wanting to forget everything that happened.

“Calem!”

Calem turned and saw Ben staring at a red patch on the bed where he had been sitting. Without a word, he quickly went into the bathroom. Meanwhile, Ben, sitting on the bed with his head in his hands, heard the shower snap on.

Ben stood up when Calem entered the room, only wearing a towel. Ben kept his distance, looking uncertain as he watched Calem open the chest of drawers and grab a fresh t-shirt and a pair of boxers to wear. Ben took a step toward Calem before he could dress and wrapped his arms around him. Calem thought it better not to resist and remained silent. As Ben felt Calem’s hot, wet, unclothed body next to his, he sensed Calem’s discomfort and sensed the lack of warm reciprocation in an embrace that felt awkward and strained. Yielding to the strength of Ben’s embrace, Calem desired to continue seeing each other without having to label their relationship, despite the challenges they would face. Ben stepped back, turning Calem around to look into his eyes, but Calem remained expressionless. Ben let go of Calem and turned toward the door. He walked away slowly, head bowed, but stopped in the doorway.

“We are done when I say we are done.”

Stunned, Calem stood frozen in place as Ben walked away, raising his right hand to his eyes as if wiping away tears.

Despite Ben’s reluctance to explicitly label their relationship, it was unmistakably clear that they were in fact in a relationship as Ben could not tolerate the idea of Calem being with someone else. The absence of a label, combined with the exclusivity expected from Calem, imposed a heavy demand that made Calem, in turn, acknowledge the complexity of their connection. Calem feared that Ben’s reluctance to define their relationship might make it challenging for them to navigate its intricacies without confirming its status.

Lying on the bed, sensations of pain caused him to replay the previous night’s events over in his head. He was not sure what to feel. Did he have a right to feel violated? Calem rationalised that men could not be raped. He dismissed this thought as absurd as they already had sex before. Besides, this kind of thing was not spoken about even by women when it happened to them.

Calem concluded that their relationship would only have mattered if he were a woman and that remaining silent was the right thing to do. He decided that it would be best to put everything behind him, reasoning that there was no ‘them’ to dissolve.

He could not conceive at that moment what had happened was not only immoral but also illegal.