I Wish I Had Gone There

I am Ruu Akaru, a college student who has lost the fondness of life. Being said so, it's obvious that I hate myself more than anyone else in this world. Regrets? Hell yeah, my life so far is full of regrets. Every step, every decision, seems to be a misstep. Even now, those memories creep up on me time to time, like unwelcome guests refusing to leave. I yearn to leave my past behind and take steps toward a new chapter of my life. But reality is just so cruel, forcing me to mourn over it again and again.

"Hey, Ruu! Wake up. The truck is here. I am all set. Get your things ready or we will be late for Tokyo."

I mumbled, half-awake, "Yeah... getting ready."

Rubbing my eyes, I stumbled to bathroom to freshen up. I splashed my face with cold water, waking up in an instant. Looking in the bathroom mirror, my half-asleep face stared back at me. I sighed, knowing today was the start of something new. I felt no excitement though. Perhaps, the notion of excitement had become a distant echo, lost in the labyrinth of haunted past.

I went through my stuff－clothes, books and things I thought needed for a new start. Among them, I found an old storybook, the same one grandma used to read to me when I was little. As I flipped through its pages, a small picture slipped out and fell onto the floor. Bending down to grab it, I saw a picture of Grandma and me, both laughing. The photo made me feel warm, taking me back to the days when grandma read me magical stories with her soothing voice. But my heart felt heavy with sadness, a weight of downcast rather than a swell of nostalgia. Tears slid down, unbeknownst to myself. Lost in the past of grandma's stories, I felt like I was floating in the past, like pages from an old storybook.

Kurosaki's shout cut through my thoughts."Ruu! The truck's waiting. We need to go!" His urgent and firm voice brought me back to the real world.

"Yeah, almost finished," I said, brushing off a few tears. I slipped the photo into my pocket.

The truck's engine rumbled outside, reminding me it was time to go. Kurosaki shouted again telling me to hurry. As I stepped into the daylight, I saw Kurosaki's smiling face. I forced a smile back, letting him know everything was okay.

Tokyo－the city of dreams, they say. But for me it was a city of only bitter memories.

Loading my stuff onto the truck, Kurosaki cracked a joke to lighten the mood.

"You're going to be a city boy now, Ruu. No more fresh air and green fields. Ready for the Tokyo hustle?"

I managed a weak smile, trying to shake off the heaviness.

"Yeah, as ready as I'll ever be."

As we drove towards the city, the scenery changed from countryside to cityscape. Kurosaki, always chatty, tried to keep the conversation easy.

"So, any big plans for Tokyo, Ruu? Going to conquer the city?"

I chuckled.

"Conquer? More like survive. I just hope I can find my place there."

He patted my shoulder.

"You've got this, man. New adventures await!"

"New adventures... huh?" I said quietly, my mind drifting to the gloomy memories of my grandma.

I looked at Kurosaki, trying to force a small smile in the heavy atmosphere.

Retrieving the photo from my pocket, I mumbled, "You know, Kurosaki, my grandma was kinda special. Always so nice and caring. I remember this one time when she took me to the festival in our village. Everything was colorful, but it felt a bit sad. We tried all the snacks, but they didn't taste as good as they used to. It was like chasing after shadows of happiness."

Kurosaki nodded, sensing the somber tone.

"And what else?"

I sighed, feeling the weight of the memories.

"Well, she loved telling stories. Every night, she'd sit by my bedside, telling me about magical worlds and brave heroes. There was a story about an entity that could grant wishes. We used to pretend we'd meet it someday, but that feeling slowly faded away."

The truck's engine provided a backdrop to my subdued storytelling.

"In the summer, she'd take me to the riverbank. We'd spend hours skipping stones and watching the sunset. The river seemed to take not just the stones but also the happiness we once had. Those simple moments were like the most precious treasure to me."

Kurosaki listened in silence, understanding the weight of my words.

"Your grandma sounds amazing, Ruu, even in those bittersweet memories. They're a part of you, wherever you go."

I sighed.

"And... yet... I didn't go"

Kurosaki looked at me, puzzled.

"Didn't go... where?"

I sighed once more, a deeper and more regretful exhale.

"When I was in middle school, my grandmother was hospitalized," I muttered, more to myself than to Kurosaki.

"One night, she wanted to see me. But I lived so far away from Tokyo, and the next day was my high school entrance exam. I couldn't go, and she... she passed away that night."

Kurosaki listened in silence, his gaze fixed on me. I let the weight of regret settle, tears welling up as the pain of that decision resurfaced. Kurosaki offered no words, just a silent presence as I mourned the choice I made.

I wish I had been there to see her that night.