(23) Youmu Konpaku (ft. Yuyuko Saigyouji) ～ Half-Human Half-Phantom Gardener

Phantoms arisen
A girl whose somewhat human
And her dead lady

It was late at night, which meant that it was time for the vampires to come out to play and for good humans to stay in bed. Or, at least, that’s how things would normally work if not for the eccentricities of the Scarlet Devil Mansion folk. Remilia often walked around in the sunlight no problem, thanks to always having someone to enlist as a parasol-holder, and even Licorice had no idea when or if Sakuya had any sleep. Our heroine tended to, despite being an ordinary human with an ordinary need for sleep, find herself unable to sleep at night due to some commotion or another in the mansion. Being someone with a human sleep cycle was hell in a mansion filled with those who shunned sleep for immortality and revelry.

On one such night, where Flandre had gone on a rampage chasing various other folk of the mansion around, Licorice had made her way outside to take a smoke break. As she had nothing to smoke, our heroine grabbed the jar with the sake bug inside it and made for the Misty Lake to drink the night away in lieu of sleep medication.

The lake at night was quite the sight to behold. From the sky came the shimmer of the full moon, lighting the water up in cold silver. The warmth of the summer had disappeared in favor of the night breeze, and the slow wishing and washing of the water made an atmosphere that made one want to chill out. Chill out Licorice did, crossing her legs and letting out a sigh of relief at having escaped from the commotion at the mansion. She raised the jar full of fresh-sake, slowly opening its cap up as a strong smell of alcohol entered her expectant nostrils. Then, before she could get one drop in to drunken herself, our heroine saw something odd with her definitely sober eyes.

“Hmm, hmm-hmm…”

Another woman was sitting a bit away from our heroine, humming along to some tune in a most relaxed manner while eating and drinking away. Now, women sitting near ponds wasn’t unordinary as evidenced by the fact that Licorice the ordinary maid was doing the same thing at that moment. What was odd was the appearance of this woman, one that Licorice could see clearly thanks to the full moon. Short pink hair, which is not an ordinary hair color despite its common depiction in media, and a light blue kimono of some description already made her look odd to Licorice, but those were not what our heroine had noticed first. What had caught her eyes were a couple of glowing white orbs floating around her with “tails” pointing upwards, which looked like something that Licorice had forgotten the polite terminology for.

Ever curious and prone to trouble, our heroine got up from her comfortable spot towards the odd woman in question. She sneaked the best as she could, finding a suitable tree near the woman to stand behind. Taking a closer look, the odd woman in question looked like quite the beauty to Licorice in a manner that seemed almost otherworldly. Such a convenient encounter with such a beauty would definitely have been the start of some trash supernatural romance novel, if not for the fact that Licorice had none of the lofty qualities of a trashy romance novel protagonist. One other thing that Licorice lacked was perception, for she hadn’t noticed anyone approaching her until an abrupt line of cold steel appeared next to her cheek.

“What are you doing staring at Lady Yuyuko?”

Licorice quickly hopped like a rabbit to get as far away as quickly as possible from the sword pointed at her. She managed to get her pan out in the meanwhile. Our heroine pointed the pan towards her opponent, maintaining a safe distance from… a little girl? Licorice couldn’t help, even in her distressed state, to chuckle at the sight of her opponent. The one standing in front of her was a short girl, with an appearance around ten years older than Licorice, holding two swords. One of the swords was around the girl’s size which made the sight even more ridiculous. What was more ridiculous, in the supernatural sense, was her ghost-white hair cut into childish bangs and cyan dress which looked to have another one of those glowing white blobs coiled around it.

Suddenly, our heroine remembered the word which she had been looking for the entire time since taking a look at the white blobs. Licorice couldn’t help but blurt “Why do you have a giant sperm (精子) floating around you?”

“…A spirit (精) offshoot (子)?” The girl paused. She wasn’t expecting the reply to her question to be another question. “It’s my other half. I can’t exactly not have myself follow me. I’m Youmu, and it’s Youmu.” After another moment’s delay, as if she had forgotten why she had walked up to Licorice in the first place, the girl raised the sword again much to the dismay of Licorice. “Wait, such tricks to divert my attention won’t work!” The girl slowly examined Licorice, who couldn’t answer the question as to why she had been stalking some woman (apparently called Lady Yuyuko) from behind a tree without seeming like a creep. Her attention was caught by the outfit worn by Licorice. “A maid outfit? The only place with such outfits in Gensokyo is…” She looked towards the Scarlet Devil Mansion, ever visible even from the lake. The phantom girl then proceeded to get closer to Licorice with the business end of her large sword, while Licorice cautiously moonwalked away from the armed girl. “Who are you? Yet another dog of the devil?” She seemed even more cautious now that she knew she was facing someone from the Scarlet Devil Mansion.

Girlie, don’t poke your nose in adult business. The attitude of the young girl had annoyed Licorice greatly, so our heroine decided to mess with Youmu. “I am Baba Yaga, one of three sisters, and I have come here on the orders of Mistress Remilia to punish impudent little girls like you!” She flipped the pan around on her hand, trying to look as intimidating as possible. “I may lack a mortar and pestle, as one of my sisters borrowed it for the weekend, but the legendary pan Glupost shall grind you down like my iron teeth!” She then, gathering all her boldness, began slowly walking towards Youmu with her hands raised like claws. “Come here girlie, I eat shrimps like you as a snack, though a small fry like you isn’t even being worth called a ‘snack’! I shall cook you on Glupost and have a scrumptious feast with my sisters… and Mistress Remilia!”

“I-I’m not scared!” The hands of Youmu, which had begun shaking ever so slightly, betrayed her statement of courage. Licorice was much taller and well-built compared to Youmu, and her black hair and tan skin blended into the night making her look like a floating pair of eyes approaching Youmu. Despite being the one with the oversized sword, Youmu began retreating away from Licorice.

“Run away all you like, but Baba Yaga will get you no matter what! If not me, then one of my sisters who are hiding behind the trees of this lake!” Licorice continued taking slow steps towards Youmu. “Not to mention Mistress Remilia, a great creature of the darkness who’ll swoop you right up!”

“A creature of the darkness… Aw…” Youmu nervously began looking around her, anticipating an attack from any direction. Licorice quickly approached her at a moment she wasn’t looking and let out a loud “Boo!”

“Eek!” The little girl dropped her sword and fell onto the ground bum-first. She was now defenseless against our heroine. “Please- Please have mercy!” Tears began forming on Youmu’s eyes.

“Girlie, ‘mercy’ isn’t a word in the Bulgarian language!” Licorice got closer and closer, until her collar was grabbed from behind by a great force.

“What are you doing to my precious little Youmu?!” It was the odd woman, the so-called Lady Yuyuko. Her face looked displeased, to say the least. She held an open fan which was raised as if it was going to cut Licorice’s neck with it.

“Predávam se! My lady, I was just… Uhm…” It looked like she had angered the caretaker of this little girl. Licorice, not wanting to pan someone who had such a strong grip, went with the last option she had left. “I was just looking to join you for a drink, and this girl attacked me thinking I was planning something nefarious!” Licorice raised her jar of sake as proof of her goodwill.

“Hm? A drink?” The woman suddenly seemed a whole lot less pissed off while her eyes focused on the jar of sake. She clapped her hands together in anticipation. “Why didn’t you inform me beforehand? Youmu’s just a bit too diligent you see, she can get a bit nervous around strangers.” The odd woman flapped her fan around while laughing. “Come on then, let us make merry!”

“Lady Yuyuko, I thought I was about to die there…” Youmu clung onto Yuyuko like a little child while continuing to cry. “The youkai at the Scarlet Devil Mansion are so scary! I never want to come here again…”

“Youkai?” Yuyuko looked back at Licorice. “I sense nothing from her dear, she’s just a human.”

“H-Huh?” Youmu took another look at Licorice, who had the biggest shit-eating grin ever in human history after having sufficiently bullied a child. “I was defeated by…”

“Such is the art of war, young one.” replied Licorice, showing off her superiority as an adult. “Maybe you’ll be less of a milksop when you live more than twenty years.”

Youmu, still clinging onto Yuyuko with wet eyes, replied “Sniff- Miss, I’m 71.”

“Yeah, you still have much to… What?!” Licorice suddenly stopped being so smug upon noticing that she had bullied an old lady instead. What is it with you people and aging?! “Izvinéte, bába.”

“Alright, let’s go!” Yuyuko cut the awkward conversation in half and dragged Youmu alongside her to the lakeside with Licorice tailing them. They ended up having a great time together, drinking well into the night. Our heroine ended up with the worst hangover of her life, and poor Licorice ended up being punished yet again by the head maid when she ended up regurgitating last night’s revelry on to the carpet.