Until I Leave

"Tell me, missie. What would you say is the most fundamental quality required of one practicing medicine?"

"Would it be the desire to help others?"

"That's a cute answer, but no. Even complete scum can be great doctors, regardless of whether they offer their services to those in need. Nevertheless, if you asked ten doctors what the right answer was, you'd likely have a few repeats. But my answer is that one who practices medicine must know their limits. We ain't gods; that much is true for both the patient and the doctor. Therefore, even if he speaks of them, a doctor must never believe in miracles. Do you understand, missie?"

"I think so. You're saying I should be clear on what I can do rather than what I want to happen, right, Mr. Teri?"

"That's right. Now to prove that you understand me, I want you to help me with the field while I rest these old bones."

"Okay."

After getting changed into clothes that she wouldn't mind getting dirty, Carolyn took a pair of gloves from Teri and headed into the field. At a closer distance, it became possible to tell that vegetables made up a small portion of the plants in the field. The majority were medicinal herbs, which Teri cultivated himself.

"The herbs I have on the field are pretty sensitive, so I can't use the stuff the rest of the village has to drive off pests. I need you to look at each of them and make sure there's nothing strange creeping in for a free meal. While you're at it, I want you to check the moisture of the soil to make sure the sun ain't drying it out too fast. Then you can see if there's any weeds growing. After that..."

She would be lying if she said she wasn't daunted by the length of the list of commands Teri gave her, but Carolyn figured that if she couldn't handle this much, then she would have to forget about being Teri's assistant. Once Teri finished the list, Carolyn got to work. Under the hot sun, she diligently carried out Teri's tasks. There were times when she either forgot what to do next or wasn't sure how to do it, but Teri quickly noticed her hesitation and gave her pointers. As long as she didn't give up, he would ensure that she was on the right path, so Carolyn was confident in passing this test.

However, even after a few hours had passed, Carolyn wasn't done working, and Teri didn't tell her to stop either. She was doing better than when she initially arrived in the village, but she was still recovering. Light exercise would have been fine, but heavy labour like this gave her a budding fever. She wanted to rest, but the resolve and guilt buried in her chest drove her to work harder. As Carolyn's shaky hand reached for a plant's leaf, Teri finally interrupted.

"That's enough. You can stop now."

"Ha... ha... Did I, do well?"

"No, that was terrible. It's obvious that you didn't understand what I meant at all."

"...Huh?"

"Go on inside now. Clean yourself and get into bed. I'll wake you when dinner's ready."

"But-"

"Was 'obey my instructions' too hard for you to understand too?"

"...no."

"Good. You can try again tomorrow, so give up for today."

"Yes."

Though she was still confused and reluctant to accept this result, Carolyn stood and dragged her weary body to the back of the house, where the well was. Despite there being a river nearby, most of the villagers got their water from wells. After pulling up a bucket of water, Carolyn splashed herself with it. It made her feel better, but the weight of the bucket made her more conscious of her shaking hands. It took considerable effort just to raise her arms, even without factoring in her fever, but Carolyn was determined to make a second attempt at Teri's test the next day.

For the rest of the day, Teri acted the same as usual and didn't mention anything about Carolyn's failure or her becoming his assistant. Carolyn didn't lose her resolve, but she did feel anxious as she reviewed the test Teri gave her mentally. She thought that all she had to do was complete the orders he gave her, but now it seemed that there was either a time limit or a hidden element that she wasn't thinking about. There didn't seem to be any clue of a time limit, which meant that there was likely a key detail escaping her notice.

"Before he gave me those tasks, he mentioned the most fundamental quality of someone practicing medicine. Honestly, it slipped my mind while I was working on the field, but that's likely the clue to what I'm missing."

As she lied down in her bed after the lights went out, Carolyn continued to contemplate what her mistake was. For the sake of her parents and the villagers that had died because of her, she couldn't afford to rest easy, even with her fever still lingering.

Carolyn eventually fell asleep without intending to. She clicked her tongue at the glimpse of dawn that came through the sole window in the room, but she quickly recomposed herself and reached for the bag under her bed. Until Teri knocked on the door and entered the room, Carolyn spent her time reading her mother's book and checking the locations mentioned in it on the maps. Once he was in the room, Carolyn put down the book so that Teri could check her pulse and forehead temperature.

"Do you still wanna make another attempt?"

After he was done checking her, Teri asked this question.

"Yes," Carolyn responded almost immediately.

"...Fine. You can start after breakfast, same tasks as yesterday."

Carolyn couldn't decipher the meaning behind his initial pause, but it didn't change her intention. Teri still didn't allow her to cook, so once she changed clothes, she would be free until breakfast. As she tried to get out of bed, Carolyn could acutely sense that she was still feverish, but she insisted on moving.

After breakfast, Carolyn went into Teri's field and got to work. She still hadn't figured out what she was missing, but she thought it would be better to think while working. She was far less productive than yesterday, but with the belief that her efforts would be rewarded, she kept going.

About an hour after she started working, Atla arrived at the house.

"Lyn, what are you doing?"

"Sorry, Atla. I need to do some fieldwork to be Teri's assistant, so I don't really have much time to talk."

"That's fine, but are you okay? You look really pale and tired. Should I go complain to Doc?"

"No, this is what I chose for myself. I have to, keep at it."

"Okay, then why don't I help you?"

"Thank you, but I can't accept your help. This is something, I have to do by myself."

Even as she responded to Atla, Carolyn slowly continued working. Her balance would become unstable at times, but that still didn't stop her. However, Atla's next words finally made her pause.

"But Lyn, you'll collapse at this rate. I know you're trying your best, but like my pa always tells me, you waste more effort trying to lift a boulder than avoid it. Come on, at least take a break. Please."

While her plea certainly helped, it was her previous words that made Carolyn realise her error.

'A doctor is no god; that's why they must know their limits and never believe in miracles.'

"I think I get it now. Thanks, Atla; you were right. I was going too hard on myself. If I push myself beyond my limits, I won't make any meaningful progress. And if I did that with a patient's life on the line, I would be putting them in danger. Was that what you meant, Mr. Teri?"

"You finally got it, eh? Honestly, if you ignored what little Atla said, I might have given up on yuh."

"Yes, I'd have to agree with you, there..."

Without another word, Carolyn collapsed on the ground. Atla hurriedly went over to check on her, while Teri shook his head and sighed.

"What a stubborn girl. At least she's no quitter."