The Sweet Relief of Happiness

“Well, um, hey” I sheepishly say, standing up “You’re back from work?”.

“Yeah!” Atsuo says a bit too enthusiastically “Also could I ask, why are you here?”.

“Oh um, no reason,” I say, trying to make no eye contact.

Atsuo looks behind her to look at the bridge, “It really has been a week since you fell off that bridge”.

“Has it really been a week only?” I say awkwardly “It definitely felt like I've been here for a year”.

“So,” Atsuo asks “Why did you try to kill yourself?”

That comment was like a bullet shot through my heart, wishing it was an actual bullet.

“What are you talking about” I ask “I wouldn't do that”.

“Then why did you try to jump in front of the car?” Atsuo asks, still a bit too cheery for this situation.

“I just um uh tripped” I lie.

“Is preparing to jump into the road count as tripping now?” Atsuo asks with fake wonder, I think.

“Um,” I say, getting up “I can explain”.

“Can you?” Atsuo asks.

I sigh, “Could we at least not talk in the middle of the road?”

“Sure!”

After Atsuo parks in some conveyor belt sushi place, we walk back to the bridge, idk why we decided to talk there and not the parking lot but I thought it was just thematic.

“So,” Atsuo says “Why?”.

“That is a good question,” I say,

Atsuo just stares at me, no mallus, just waiting for an answer.

“Genuinely I just tripped, I was just doing squats” I try to say convincingly.

“Why didn't you just do it at Anton’s house?” Atsuo asks with genuine wonder.

“Well um,” I try. “I was, uh, just wanting to get some fresh air! Yeah that’s it”.

“Why did you take Anton’s car then?” Atsuo asks “Why not just walk here if you want fresh air”.

“Well um,” I try, completely running out of things to say.

“Look,” Atsuo says “It’s obvious that you were trying to kill yourself, I just want to know why?”.

“Seriously,” I say, “I just tripe-”.

“Just tell me the truth,” Atsuo says coldly “I’m sick of not being true”.

I sigh “Guess I have to say what happened huh”.

“You know that street near the karaoke place?” I ask.

“Yeah,” Atsuo agrees. “Isn't that this one as well?”

“Correct, that used to be the route I went to go to school,” I say, “It was very off the main path but me and my brother used to goof off on top of this bridge”.

“You have a brother?” She asks.

“Had” I correct

I continue “One day, 10 years and 6 days ago, you know the day when I was in middle school, and he was finishing up college, that year was the year that the Nintendo Switch came out, I didn't really get it but he loved games, especially Nintendo, he even bought that Nintendo switch with his own money”.

“How did he pay for it?” Atsuo asks.

“A part-time job,” I say “If I remember, He had to work a full month of overtime to get enough money to get the switch. And he also had to pay for rent, groceries, gas, etcetera with that money”

“So what happened?” Atsuo asks

“Well,” I continue “I had a habit of messing things up, what I did and what others did, I can not tell you how many times I messed up a cake that my dad was making? at least when he was still sane”.

“What hap-”

“55” I interrupted, trying to ignore what Atsuo was going to say “And that’s just with one thing, I messed up constantly, it was always an accident but my parents always thought I could do better, they never said it though”.

“My brother was the only person who supported me, well emotionally at least, we would do everything together, including walk to school together, we would race each other but he would always win, he after all, did track in high school, wish I was a bit faster” I continue.

“What happened with your dad?” Atsuo asks.

“You really want to know huh” I ask “Well, throughout his life he had schizophrenia, and would see things that weren't there, we were able to get medication but the cost was enormous, eventually my dad had to go a few weeks without medication due to his job having to pay less”.

“And?”

“One day at work, he thought that his boss was a demon and killed him,” I say “He had gone to jail for 5 years, then he died in prison. After, we moved into an apartment as my brother at the time was old enough to be considered an adult, and you know how bad the apartments are in Tokyo, 90k a month for a 1 bedroom apartment you know, rent”.

“Wait, where was your mom?”.

“I don’t know much about my mom,” I say “I know she isn’t dead, but she left 1 or 2 years after I was born, my brother doesn't remember much about her as well, she apparently wasn't in the family that much and would just do her own thing”.

“I wasn't surprised when she didn't show up to help me after my dad died.” I continue.

Atsuo is just shocked so I use that as my cue to continue

“It was a Thursday,” I say “A few days before school would be over, and the day before his birthday, it was after school and both of us were up there, he was talking to some friends and I was playing a game on his switch, I think it was something called breath of the wild? Also, the switch was portable if you didn't know”

“Well I did still have to dodge people on the bridge, we were not alone you know, so I was doing that, but one time when I was dodging, I wasn't looking where I was looking and dropped the Nintendo Switch and the game cartage into the road, a car shortly came after and completely broke the switch into smithereens”.

I pause for a second to point around where the switch roughly fell.

“My brother yelled at me so fricking hard after that” I continue “After all, he spent so long to get in and now he lost it, I had messed up before but at that instant that was the last straw, I obviously messed up and told him but he said that I always messed things up and said that it was my fault for everything that happens”.

“Why are you telling me all of this?”

I sigh “It’s set up so that you know how much pain I had when my brother died”.

“It was the next day and we were both walking back to school, when I asked if we could race back home, he accepted, saying that I would definitely mess it up” I say “Oh how right he was”.

“Well we started to run and he obviously was going way faster than me but did I try” I continue “But I had to take a break, but the place that I took a break was in the middle of the road, this road”.

“Then a car started to come, the driver was drunk driving so they didn't notice me, until it was too late,” I say “But before the car could hit me, my brother pushed me out of the way and instead he got hit by the car, killing him”.

“I’m so sorry,” Atsuo says.

“No, don't apologize,” I say “it was truly my fault for standing in the road”.

I continue “After that, I got sent to an orphanage and you know the story from there, there were no foster parents throughout all of those years I was there, I got a minimum wage job at 16, at 18 they kicked me out and I got an actual job and tried to live in an apartment out of town but I just couldn't forget about this, I mean I killed a person and the police wouldn't put me into custody so I just had to try to live with myself, trying to block it all away with drugs, but as you see, I couldn't, so on the 10th anniversary of the incident, I tried to kill myself, but then you saved me, even with how accidental it really was”.

“And now you’re trying again huh,” Atsuo says, still without much emotion.

“And just like all of them, you don’t care as well,” I say.

“I know,” Atsuo says “I want to care, but I can’t”.

“Wait” I realize “Are you-”.

“Yes,” Atsuo softly says “When I left a few days ago, I was getting diagnosed, and from there I just felt nothing but fear, I had heard about the condition before but it’s always portrayed as a murderous monster except what we really are, emotionless”.

I sigh “So, that’s the reason you were having chills while watching American Psycho”.

“Yeah,” Atsuo says “I guess you already figured out that I got diagnosed as a psychopath”.

I don’t really know what to say, I could tell all of the intricacies in what she was saying, no one would assume she was one. Because of the stigma modern media has.

“Look,” Atsuo says “Just because we don’t have emotions, doesn't mean we aren't people”

“For the longest time, I thought this was normal, truly having no emotions, and just faking all of your emotions, so that’s what I did, I tried to always be normal, always thinking what would be the correct thing to do, then I realize that the timid girl stereotype fits this perfectly, so I just used that persona around myself, tricking everyone, including you, at least for a bit”.

“I’ll be honest” She continues “I came here to quote un quote trip like you did, the confirmation that no matter what, the media will use my condition as subtext for a cold bloated murder just, I couldn't live with that, so yeah”.

She then starts to walk to the rails and starts to climb the railing “You went headfirst right?”.

Before I could realize what is happening, Atsuo is on top of the railing, crossed-handed, and about to fall just like I did.

“WAIT STOP” I shout.

I already see that I’m too late to pull her back up.

I then realize there is only one thing I can do, I jump off the bridge and try to save her.

Then my vision becomes blank.

When I wake up, I'm in the same exact bed I was back when I fell a few days ago.

I look around, it seems to be still late at night.

Then Atsuo beside me says “Hey”.

“Oh hey,” I say, “you remember yesterday? At least I think it was yesterday?”.

“No, it's still Thursday,” Atsuo clarifies.

“Ah,” I say “So, I guess I really did save you huh, I’ll be honest I thought that I would just die instead of you”.

……

“So we gonna talk about what happened?”.

“I don’t really know,” Atsuo says “I mean, what do you do after you try to kill yourself?”.

“First time huh,” I say.

“Look” I continue, getting out of the hospital bed and standing up “What you should do is talk to people, trying to kill yourself is a hard thing to go through, but with others, you can express yourself and I’m sure they will understand, I mean I literally spent this whole week discovering that they also have their own insecurities”.

“You know,” I say, “Why do people always assume that just because someone doesn't have a specific reason to do a crime, that means that they must always do that, no?! Just because someone can, doesn't mean they will”.

“Why don’t you use your own logic?” Atsuo asks, not even smugly, just having a tone of genuine confusion.

I open my mouth to respond. Then realize, yeah, she’s right,

“What even is the definition of a friend?” I ask, looking outside the window.

“Uh,” Atsuo thinks, pausing for a second then says “a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection”

“Man, it’s like you google that,” I say.

“I did,” Atsuo says, showing me the definition she googled.

“That was fast,” I say, impressed

“Well, I had to adapt a lot,” Atsuo says, trying to be a bit somber. “I mean, I think I taught myself how to laugh, I remember when I was a kid, everyone would watch these try not to laugh videos, but I wouldn't laugh”.

“Like even now my brain knows that the normal thing to do in this situation is to be somber, and I’m automatically expressing it, but I don’t really feel this, I just feel, nothing, I don't have a bond with anyone”.

……

“Do you remember what Reina's story was called?” I ask

“Oh it was called, Pride & Joy,” Atsuo says “I love how the characters pop, and the way that she did that cool thing with the chapters with every character having their own perspective”.

“What about that movie that you and Jiro were talking about?” I ask “The one before Jiro dragged me out to go job hunting”.

“Oh right,” Atsuo says, “I think it was that Spy x Family movie, code white? I think he was talking about someone on Reddit claiming that a new movie was coming out soon?”.

“What about Daitan and her Twitch streams?” I continue.

“Oh, I watch all of them,” Atsuo says, “I think the one that she streamed earlier today was a game called Grand Theft Auto 6, apparently it has one of the biggest budgets in all of the video games, she also reached her donation goal so she’s going to do that thing that Tomori taught her”.

“What about Anton?” I say “Who are his favorite music artists?”

“Well, that is the easiest one,” Atsuo says “He loves any American rock band like The Red Hot Chili Peppers, FallOutBoy, you know, but don’t tell him I told you this, but he also likes Hatsune Miku”.

“So, would you say that you know your friends?” I ask.

“Yeah,” Atsuo says, then realizes what she said.

“Look, there is no real definition of being friends with someone,” I say “Some people could be friends with the person that they met once in the supermarket while others need to have a personal connection with the other person, but look, you know them and some of the things that I didn't even know, I’d think that everyone would agree that qualifies as a friendship”.

“Well then they are your friends as well,” Atsuo says.

I think to myself “What no, I've only known them for a week” but no wait, I literally spent the last week learning a personal fact about them, and having genuine talks with each other.

“Even if you don’t think so,” Atsuo says “I know that I’m your friend”.

That statement in particular was the one that pulled me out of the ocean, I was basically giving therapy to myself.

It felt like I was free, a shadow coming off my face.

“So yeah,” Atsuo says, “you wanna return back to the house? I got Anton’s car back already”.

“Yeah,” I say “That would be a good idea”.

On the way back, I start to talk more

“So what was the job that you were doing?” I ask.

“Eh, just torturous internship stuff, you know, trying to say that I deserve it for being, you know, me,” Atsuo says.

“Yeah,” I say “I can relate, I also had an awful job for a while”.

We finally get there and then open the door.

“Oh you came back with Atsuo,” Daitan says, giving a thumbs up.

“Did you order those noise-canceling headphones yet?” Atsuo asks.

“Oh, I already ordered them long ago, guess they just got here”. Daitan says, taking out a box from the side of the couch.

“What noise-canceling headphones?” I ask.

“I mean we don’t have noise canceling walls and Daitan screams a lot,” Reina says, walking in “So noise canceling headphones are pretty much a prerequisite for this house”.

“Yeah, that would make sense,” I say.

I see Jiro, in the corner, on the phone still but he doesn't seem to be that angry anymore.

“You still on the phone?” I ask.

“Well kinda,” Jiro says “We agreed that we should get all of the tip money back and the cost of the repairs, they even gave us a bit more”.

“Oh cool,” I say “So what are you gonna use the money for?”.

“We’re buying a new mattress,” Jiro says “I mean we have someone else here now”

I was initially dumbfounded like they were not just gonna put a mattress in the middle of the living room.

Then Jiro points to a door that I didn't even know was there, and says “Right there”.

“Oh wait, I’m actually gonna start to live here?” I say.

“I guess,” Reina says “I mean all of us also randomly moved here”.

“Yeah, I had to move out of my apartment after someone doxed me,” Daitan says.

“My house burned down,” Reina says.

“Well mine isn't as bad,” Jiro says, seeming to be surprised by Reina’s story “My parents just kicked me out for being asexual”.

I then look at Atsuo, but she seems to not have anything to say.

“Look,” Reina says “All we’re saying is that this is normal”.

“I ran away from home” Reina blurts out.

Everyone pauses, probably their first time hearing this as well

“Yeah,” Daitan says “Like that”.

Anton finally comes out of his room and says “What are you all talking about?”.

“Nothing much” Reina lies.

Then we start to get into a huge conversation, about, well, everything, and that’s where I realized it, this isn't the end, nobody’s character arcs end, at least until they’re dead.

Reina is starting to become a real writer.

Jiro finally got a job but still had to settle with his parents.

Daitan is finally making progress with Anton.

Anton is about to expose his previous workplace.

Atsuo is becoming more okay with herself.

And I'm having

The Sweet Relief of Happiness.