Where Bullets Sing

The world is still black. The bumping of the carriage felt weirdly pleasant on my back, or maybe I've been laying down for so long that I don’t even feel it anymore. Even when the driver seemed to go over a big rock and made me fly up in the air for a bit it made me feel like I was a kid on their father’s shoulders, until I hit the floor again that is.

“We’re here” - The driver said through the cloth that was separating back from the front of the carriage.

Despite sleeping most of the way here, or maybe because of that, I felt pretty sluggish, nevertheless, I slowly crawled my way out towards the back exit, before jumping out of it onto the ground, which despite being so low, felt like it took ages. I slowly made my way around the carriage itself, inspecting it with my left hand, before I made it close enough to talk to the driver.

“Once again, thank you”

“No, it’s fine, but are you sure you’ll manage mister? With your eyes I mean. Do you want me to walk You towards the town center, at least?”

“Oh, it’s fine I couldn’t trouble you like this, but could You tell me roughly, how many steps it seems like it’d take to reach the town?”

“Hmm…”

I couldn’t tell exactly what the man was doing but considering the silence I assumed he was actually thinking about the question with a lot of concentration.

“We came pretty close, shouldn’t take more than a 100 to reach the nearest building.”

“100… I see, thank you for everything once again.”

“Don’t worry Mister, and good luck to you, with Your new life”

As he said this, I heard the snap of horse reins, before some dust and sand went up my nose, and even if it was enough to make me feel uncomfortable, it seemed to settle pretty fast so I didn’t even bother fanning the air with my hand. As I turned around, and faced the town, I thought at least, I started going forward slowly while counting. 1… 2… 3… Before realizing something

“I should’ve asked him if it was 100 long steps, or 100 short-steps…”

In the end I decided to just do a mix of both.

7…8…9…

I was still not used to my new condition, if you even could call it that. I remember looking at something as a kid, before closing my eyes and guessing how many steps it’d take me to reach it. I don’t think I ever got it right, I’d always chicken out, thinking I’m about to crash into a wall or something, who would’ve guessed that I’m going to be playing this game forever.

23… 24…25…

I didn’t want things to turn out like this, but perhaps someone like me deserved it. Hundreds of robberies, gunfights, plans. Infamous enough that all the made-up stories about me were impressing even myself. I don’t know what allowed me to go so far, what carried me through all those troubled times, but the fact that all it took for God to take it was a single mistake, is funny in and of itself.

49… 50…

“Halfway, hopefully” I thought

61…62…63…

Biggest heist to date, Millions of dollars at stake, but one of our bombs went off at a wrong time, and the whole plan failed. I’m not sure who died and who lived, other than myself. Shrapnel from the explosion got in my eyes, and with all the shock that’s about as much as I remember from the incident.

78…79…80…

Somehow I found my way back to a rather immoral doctor, who charged me almost for everything I had just to save my life. And without anywhere else to go, this is the place that I thought I’d try, a random town, far away from all the stuns I pulled, with the remainder of my money. And yet, something about this whole thing feels like a mistake.

98…99…100

“Shit”

Despite being scared of it when I was younger, nowadays bumping into something is the biggest blessing I could ask for, because I at least know there’s something in front of me.

Did I underestimate how far I had to go, or did I turn at a wrong angle? I wasn’t sure, if I kept walking and I already strayed off course, then what? I’d end up walking endlessly through the desert, until I passed out and got eaten by something passing by. But If I don’t move, I’ll never get anywhere. Before I was even able to decide, a voice of an older woman reached my ears, somewhere from the front.

“Is everything all right?”

“Oh, Erm, Yes I’m fine, I’m sorry if that sounds like an odd request, but could you tell me where we are?”

Even if I couldn’t see her, I could tell she was a bit confused by my question, so I elaborated.

“I’m blind, you see”

“Oh my! I’m so sorry! We get some Weirdos here nowadays so I thought You might be one of them, Haha!”

I felt the touch of her hand on mine, and instinctively pulled away

“Oh, Erm, I’m still trying to learn how to be walk by myself “

“My apologies! I thought it might be easier that way, so what brings you to our town?”

“A change of pace, I guess? I thought a slower life might fit someone like me more.”

“Oh, a city-boy are you? Are you sure you won’t get bored to death in boonies like these?”

“Haha, I’ll try my best not to, I’ve already committed to it”

“You must be the new land owner then! Buck spoke of you, normally John would have your keys, but he’s out of town at the moment.”

“I was hoping I’d get to come in more unnoticed.”

“In a small town like this, news spreads fast, you know? Anyway we’re here”

“Here being?”

“The inn, I told you, buck has your keys. I have some work left to do, but I think you should be fine from here, you can touch the door if you extend your hand.”

“Yeah don’t worry, I’ll manage from here, thank you.”

As I inspected the older wooden door with my left hand, I heard the slow steps of the grandma walking away, so without anything left to do, I opened the door slowly. The smell of old wood, alcohol and food entered my nose at the same time as the sound of the bell which was placed right above the entrance way.

I didn’t hear anyone say anything, so I wasn’t sure if anyone was even there. My mouth opened slightly but I ended up not saying anything, and simply started going forward slowly, while extending one of my hands. It only took me 3 steps before bumping into what felt like a table, but since nothing seemed to break, and no one said anything, I just continued walking. Luckily, I managed to avoid crashing into the next one, since my hand touched it first. It was also close enough to a wall, so I decided to keep my hand on it as I went, and before I knew it, I seemed to have reached the bar, since the wall disappeared, and my leg bumped into a soft cushion. I reluctantly took a seat and sighed, not knowing what I should do next. I rested my chin on one of my hands, then, all of a sudden an ice-cold feeling sprung all across my cheek, causing me to jump away.

“Bahaha! I was surprised how you haven’t noticed me yet, I’m Buck, what were you daydreaming about hard enough that even my fat-ass wasn’t seen by you.”

“Shit, man, don’t scare me like that. You could be as big as a horse and I still wouldn’t see you, I can’t really see anything you know.”

“Ohh, it’s like this… My bad, we don’t get a lot of those around, you know? I just thought you might be drunk off your head, you know, with all the bumping into the tables, holding onto the walls.”

“Don’t worry about it, just tell me next time, if you’re here”

“Haha, I’ll try! Anyway, so what brings you here? I doubt you’re looking to do any sightseeing”

“Nah, needed a change of pace from the big city, you know?

“Oh! You’re the new guy, Silas was it? John geezer mentioned it to me right before he left, but now I’m not even sure.”

“You got it right, don’t worry. A bit late, but nice to meet you. I met some grandma right outside of here, she said you have the keys to the house I bought.”

“Yeah, they should be somewhere in the back, I’ll get them for You in just a second. Fancy eating something?”

I was honestly more interested in getting a feel for the house now, so that I can start getting more familiar with it, but since I doubt I'd be able to prepare anything for myself to eat, I might as well make use of it now.

“You know what, I’d love to, I’ll leave what it is up to you. Do you have any tables a bit further away? The bar seat is a bit small, and I'd prefer to be out of the way for others.”

“Hmm, won’t pressure you to stay pal, no need to be shy, but there’s a seat right in the corner if you really want. You need help getting there?”

“It’s fine, I’ll be fine.”

I heard Buck slowly walk away from me, and soon after also sounds of a knife hitting a wooden board. I should’ve asked him where the seat was, but I’ll manage. I spun around in the chair and got up from it. If I entered from there, and walked this many steps, I guess the other corner would have to be here? If the room was even on all sides, that is. As I planted my feet in different directions, guessing where I should go, before eventually settling on a bit to my right, which hopefully made the most sense.

I dragged my feet across the ground, counting the steps under my breath. As soon as I lifted myself from the bar chair, it was almost like it never existed in the first place. I hated the fact that the only way for me to confirm something was real was to touch it, the only world that was real was whatever my hands could reach.

Then, with my upper thigh, I bumped into something soft.

“Must be the chair, how many was it? 30 short steps, I think”

I murmured to myself before sitting down, it was wider than I expected, and even more fluffy than the seat at the bar. As I placed my hands on the table, my fingers sunk into it, and from the table itself, a soft sound emitted. I wasn’t sure if I broke something, so I lifted up my hands into the air, and shifted my legs a bit.

“Are you surrendering yourself?”

“I think I broke something”

“Bahaha! I thought you were blind, not stupid, it’s a piano, you’ve never heard one in your life?”

Buck's voice was getting closer.

“Ohh… I think I have, I probably forgot just because I panicked”

“Think it might’ve been my bad as well, I guess I should’ve told you something like this was here. There was this rich old man, came passing through one time, friend of John, if I remember, left it as a present, and you know, since this is a bar, everyone decided to leave it here, even if no-one plays it”

“Isn’t it a bit of a waste of the gift? I thought they’re pretty expensive”

“Probably, but at least it looks classy” - He took a bit of a break before speaking again - “Do you wanna give it a try?”

“I think I’m good, I’ll probably break something “

“Noone is playing it anyway. Come on, I think everyone in the town tried it at least once, you wanted to blend in, right?”

“Eh.. I guess I can try”

I never got big into music, but I more or less knew how a piano worked, I think everyone does. I placed my hands softly on the keys, and tried to play something. As I dragged my hands across them, I pressed some firmly, some a bit softer. I stretched my fingers wide, reaching all the ends, and at some point I was so focused at moving my hands, that I didn’t even hear what sounds came out of the piano.

“You’re probably the worst I’ve heard so far Bahaha!”

“I told you I’m no good, I knew it’s gonna turn out like this”

“But… I liked it, you know? I mean you were smiling while playing” - Was I? - “ It sounded genuine, the sounds from the piano. You’re quite good with your fingers, people ever tell you that?”

“Not guys”

“Bahah! I like you! I’ve got your key and the food ready, let’s get to it before it gets cold”

I left the piano and switched to a table which was nearby, it was only 3 steps away, and with buck walking too it only took me a second to get to it. Maybe because the smell of food was so distinct, but I didn’t have any trouble knowing where it was, just in case, I still held the plate with one of my hands, and the spoon with the other.

It ended up being quite nice, just hot enough to warm me up, but not enough to burn my tongue as I was eating. Even then, I felt like there was a lot of it, so it took me a while to finish. Occasionally Buck would walk past me as I heard him wipe down some of the tables, but despite that he didn’t seem to talk to me when I ate, at the same time I did want to be left alone so I didn’t necessarily mind it. After I was done he took it and we walked back to the bar., before he handed me the keys, and I pulled out some money to pay for the dinner, before getting ready to leave. He told me it was just right around the corner, and that if I hugged the wall I'd make it no problem. Just as I was about to leave, Buck told me to pull out my hand and open it

“I almost forgot, you can have this as well”

As he said this, the cold metal touched my palm.

“Keys? You already gave me some, or is there some other entrance.”

“Nah, this is a spare one for this place”

“Thanks, I guess? But what would I need it for”

“If you ever feel like coming by, to eat, to drink or something, this place is open wherever.”

“We just met today, don’t tell me you trust me just off that”

“Well, if I turn out a fool so be it, but I trust my gut.” - His knocked his hand on my chest - “You didn’t come to a place where you can lock yourself in, that’s all”

He seemed to have walked away after, as I could hear his footsteps getting quieter.

Despite all of that, I simply tucked the key he gave me into my pocket, and made my way towards my new home. Seemed like Buck was right, as I didn’t bump into anything when holding onto the wall. Though I wasn’t sure if they just moved everything out of the way, or if there wasn’t anything there in the first place. Because I walked with pretty wide steps, compared to normal, after noticing nothing was in my way, I reached the house pretty fast. 40 steps from the exit, I'd say, must be attached to the actual Inn. As soon as I noticed a big bump in the wall, I knew It had to be the doorframe, and upon looking with both my hands for anything resembling a keyhole, I found one soon after.

After walking inside and closing the door, I tossed most of my belongings right by the door, and started to inspect where I was going to be living from now on. It was pretty empty, the narrow entryway had one room to the right, which only had a bed and drawer in it. And a larger room to the back of it. Which was both longer and wider than the bedroom, and because of the fact that it was also empty, it made it seem even bigger.

“I thought it’d be a bit bigger, but I guess at least I can get used to it quicker”

I don’t think I was one to complain about not living in mansions and stuff, but the fact that despite all the money we’ve robbed, I could only afford something like this made it seem like all I did was pointless. I went back to my bedroom, and with my stomach full from Buck’s dinner, I seemed to have drifted off pretty fast.

Explosions, money, death, police, gold, everything I've done flashed my mind when I was sleeping, everytime I go to sleep, I only relive all I’ve done so far. As I jolted awake, my breath became heavier, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep for a while. The only way I could tell that it’s night already, is because the air has become cold.

I laid defeated on my bed, stretching from end to end. Just what do I want? As I moved my hands to wipe my face, and hopefully get myself back to normal, one of my fingers got caught on the key that was still in my pocket. And when I got it out, I stared at it even if I couldn’t see it, before getting up and getting dressed.

I took the same path as the last time, but this time my other hand was holding onto the wall, and my steps were a bit smaller, but I still made it pretty fast. I reached for the key, and opened the door quietly, before slowly tracing my steps back from earlier to reach the piano. 3 till a table, and then slowly till my hand touches the table, then the wall, felt the bar stool, I even sat down to make sure I replicate everything perfectly. 30 Short steps and my thigh touched the soft chair once again.

I was a bit embarrassed about using it, but something about it spoke to me. I slowly placed my hands on the keys, and started playing, if it could be called that. They felt heavier than before, but something about that fact made it much more relieving to press them. Each press released a distinct sound, and each next one continued to be deeper than the previous one. The melody filled the empty room, uninterrupted by anything, and my hands began moving more and more fluidly.

It felt nice, playing the piano felt nice. The fact that my tainted hands were able to create something that sounds so pure made me question my life like nothing till that point. If I never tainted them in the first place, just what kind of melody could I play? Do I even deserve to create something, after destroying so many things. The only thing that interrupted my thoughts were the sounds of piano, and the occasional sniffle. And in my focus I didn’t even mind the clear signs of someone being outside, all I could do was simply pour my heart out, in this empty room.

I don’t know till when I played, but by the time I went back to my room and went back to sleep it must’ve started getting sunny. At least I think so, because when I was walking back I felt the warmth of it on my skin. I’m not sure how long I slept either, but I’d guess it’s around evening time again.

Without anything to do, I left for the Inn again. This time I was able to make it without touching the wall, and hoped that I'd gotten a feel for how far it was, which turned out to be mostly correct. I opened the door, which was unlocked this time. Since it once again seemed like no one was dining, I simply took the same path as before, till I reached the table, and then till I could feel the wall, and I took a seat in the same bar stool as before, and before I knew it, a familiar voice reached my ears.

“Oh, you came again.”

“Yeah, Can I have the same thing as yesterday?”

“Right on.”

I waited near the bar this time, and the sound of a knife hitting the chopping board sounded for a while, before the same smell from yesterday hit my nose.

“I’m about to close up, fancy a drink after?”

“Yeah, I think I do.”

I ate the same meal as yesterday, and despite that, it tasted different. The cuts of meat look the same, so did the color, the smell and yet, something about it felt different. I enjoyed it way more than yesterday, and before I noticed my spoon wasn’t scooping out anything. I was going to ask for seconds, but soon after, buck slammed some drinks on the bar.

“So, finally feel like talking?”

“Not really, but I think I might just need to let it out”

“All right, hit me with it.”

“I’ve … Done some bad things, you know? In life, before coming here, bad enough that It’d probably be better off If I got hanged somewhere, but somehow I got lucky enough to get away”

“Hmm…”

“Weak, pathetic and helpless. I’m not saying this isn’t a punishment I didn’t deserve, I mean I brought it upon myself, right? But, seeing the world through different lenses like these, made me think in a way I don’t think I have before. I’m not gonna pretend like I’m some sort of altruist, but a part of me wishes to make up for what I’ve done.

“Hmm…”

“But, on the other hand, I don’t know if it even matters, I mean, If I wasn’t in the accident, I’d probably end up continuing on the same path, for God knows how long. Would my repentance even mean anything if it’s the only path I have?”

“So that’s the issue…” - I didn’t say anything to that, but I heard him take a sip of the drink - “Does it matter, really?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean caring if you would’ve done the right thing had you continued, life gave you this opportunity for a reason. And if you truly believe that what you are feeling is not genuine, then you just have to work 10 times harder to prove to everyone that it is.”

“10 times as hard, huh…”

“I don’t think it’d matter to the people you’ve hurt, as long as you do the right thing in the end.”

“You really have a way with words, you know?”

“Of course I know, it’s how I get people to buy more drinks, Bahaha!”

“Pour me one more then”

I drank with Buck for a while longer, but not more about my reflections, I think I mentioned some of the things I've done when I was younger, but it seemed like he was drunk enough that he wouldn’t remember next time we talked, and eventually night hit once again.

“I think I’ll hit the sack for now, can you close up after you’re done playing?”

“So you’ve heard, I fell asleep early and couldn’t go”

“Yeah, I was taking a leak”

“I guess, in a way so was I, but all right, I’ll make sure everything is closed, see you tomorrow”

I was still sitting in my seat as I heard him slam the door shut, and for quite a while I just sat and enjoyed the remainder of my drink. But after pouring a bit of my heart out, for the first time in a while, my head wasn’t just filled with stuff from the past, but instead I felt like looking forward to the future.

Buck said it’s fine if I left the drinks right on the table, since he’ll come by morning to clean up the place, I might just stay up and help him clean it, since it's partly my fault it's dirty, at least judging by his standards it must be. So without any further delay, I moved to the seat near the piano.

My hands once again placed on the keys, this time, they felt more familiar. Almost as if they fit my fingers, and as I tested them, they felt easier to press than yesterday. My fingers were easily able to sink deep into them, bringing out even deeper sounds with each press. As I aimlessly juggled between the sounds, a part of me noticed something, that some of them sounded better when I played them in a certain way, I guess, as buck would say, more genuine to what I felt I wanted to play.

Before I noticed, I kept replaying the same melody, over and over, starting with just a few keys, adding one after another, and replaying it from the beginning, if something didn’t sound correct, I would simply replace it, and start the process again, and before I noticed, the two keys, turned into a full 30 seconds of uninterrupted playing. Just as I finished, I realized that despite the cold weather outside, I was sweating pretty badly. I decided for one final attempt, before calling it quits for today, and it turned out to be the smoothest one so far.

I finished pretty satisfied and was about to get up, when a woman’s voice reached out to me from behind:

“I liked it!”

“Erm, Thank you?”

“It’s really nice watching you play, something about the way you move Your hands just catches you in the performance”

“It’s not finished quite yet. And also, I know it might sound quite rude, but I’m not sure who you are…”

“Oh my! I was so invested I forgot to introduce myself, I’m Miriam, I come by Buck’s shop to help sometimes, you know, especially when he’s drunk”

“Ohh, Is it time to open soon? I can’t believe I stayed up all night again, I’m really sorry I’ll get going soon, I don’t want to hold back You opening the Inn.”

“Haha, Don’t worry about it, I enjoyed the performance, but if You really feel, sorry I have one request”

“What is it?”

“Let me listen to You play again.”

Even if I couldn’t see, the tone of her voice made it seem like she smiled when saying that, to which I tried to respond earnestly.

“Sure”

After going back home, I slept like a baby once again. But with how much I drank with Buck yesterday, and the fact I stayed up all night, I’m not sure if the woman I met yesterday was even real, I thought I’d ask buck about it later. The melody from last night was still stuck in my head, and I kept thinking on how I could improve it. I was still way off of actually playing something good, but I felt like I've gotten a grasp of what movements make what sound. Perhaps it’s part of my routine now, but I simply made my way to Buck’s inn.

By now, the path felt pretty natural, maybe even more than my house. After walking inside, I did my routine, of walking to the further bar stool chair, but this time I knocked into a person who was eating something, though they weren’t mad and I think the fact that my thigh hit their elbow ended up hurting me more than them. But After walking around them, I made it back to my seat.

“My head hurts as shit”

“Same, I think I even hallucinated some woman in middle of the night”

“Oh, You mean Miriam? She’s quite popular here, you know? Well I guess you wouldn’t you just came here, and you aren’t the out-going type”

“All right, I get it, you could’ve said something about other people working here, what if I mistook her for a robber or something?”

“And then you’d do what, swing blindly in front of yourself, hoping you’d hit someone? But you’re right, my bad, she’s the only other person that works here, only sometimes though. Other times she’s helping at her brother’s place.”

“I see…”

“”Wait, don't tell me…”

“What? Oh. No, nothing like that…”

“Bahaha, whatever you say!”

“Anyway, I know I paid for all of the food, and all that, but are you sure there isn't anything you need my help with? Surely there’s something.”

“I fear not pal, you have to suffer the life of a retiree.”

As the two of us were chatting, a mailman came and called for Buck. After he came back he seemed to open a letter, and I could tell his mood was soured after reading through it.

“What’s wrong?”

“Ah, you see, a group of performers was supposed to play in town, but something about logistics went to shit, and now they’re skipping us to get to a bigger town in time. Man! It’s such a shame, I got all the seniors riled up, even promised them free drinks during the evening…”

“I would’ve loved to see it, you know, professionals, but I'm sure there’s always next time, Buck…”

“I guess, but… Wait, I’ve got an idea, why don’t You play?”

“Me? Come on, There’s no way, I mean, I just started a couple of days ago”

“You’ve got talent for it, you know? It’s still quite a while away, so I’m sure you could polish yourself up, maybe we can even get someone to sing, or find someone for guitar… I can see it already!”

“I didn’t agree yet, you know? I don’t think I'm as good as you give me credit for”

“Well, I won’t force you, but the offer is still on the table for now, if you get interested.”

“I’ll… Think it through”

After that, Buck seemed to get quite busy, I guess he really didn’t expect the performers to cancel nearly at the last minute, so despite him reassuring me that I’m not a bother, I decided to go home for now. I laid on the bed, without anything else to do. Even if I did lose most of the money I made, one way or another, even after buying this house I still had enough to comfortably live, till the end of my days, unless I decided to start buying things I don’t need. But despite that, I’d feel kind of bad If I never contributed.

I really felt like playing the piano, I could see where to take the melody from earlier, but for some reason going in now and practicing when Buck was still operating the shop felt weird, almost as if I was being judged, even if I was pretty confident I wasn't. I think enough time had passed that it was probably closing time for the shop, so I got up, and once again, went the familiar route. As I went to check the door, it was already locked, I assume he closed earlier to deal with the performer issue.

Without delaying anything this time, I went to the piano again, placed my hands, and began playing. But something felt.. odd. Even if the keys weren’t heavier to press, something about the way the sound came out didn’t seem right. All of the progress I made yesterday felt like it was wasted, and honestly, in a way it made me mad. Even if I tried to take my frustration out by pressing each of the keys harder, I just got hit back with an ugly sound, which made the cycle repeat. After sighing, all I could do was to rest my head on the keys, which despite just being a single continuous note, was still the best sounding thing tonight.

“That’s a new one!” - Miriam’s voice sounded as impressed as yesterday

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t think you were going to be here again”

“It’s fine, I told you I’d like to listen to You play, didn’t I?”

“I guess, yeah, but, I doubt you’d like to listen to something like this”

“Failure is part of the process, you know!” I’ve heard you skipped out on Buck’s offer, I thought you’d jump on it straight away”

“I don’t think I could pull it off”

“I just thought you might need some encouragement so I came to help, and I think I did the right thing, now get your head off the piano, turn around, it’s time to let it out again!”

“I don’t think-” By the time I started to protest I started to feel her hands on my shoulders, pulling me upwards, and even if part of me wanted to reflexively jump away, I just went along with it. After I got up, they moved more towards my back, and she pushed me to what I’d guess was the middle of the room, before pulling my arms downwards, and telling me to sit down.

“You know, I appreciate all of you doing this, and I understood Buck, but there’s no need to force yourself to do something like this”

“I’m not forcing myself, it’s just the right thing to do, You would know what I mean, right?”

“Hmh, I guess”

“I’ve heard gist of it when I saw duck drunk 2 days ago, I thought he wouldn’t stop crying, but I want to hear it from You as well”

“If you’ve heard everything, then do you need me to explain myself, you know, It’s not the most pleasant thing”

“Last time we met, the way you played spoke to me enough, but if you can’t play, I’m happy to hear you say it yourself”

Strangely enough, her passive-aggressive tone didn’t sound like it came from malice, and more like it came out of concern, maybe that’s why I felt like it was ok to speak about some things, and after confessing myself to one more person, it felt like I felt at ease once again.

“Hearing it from your mouth feels different than when Buck was saying it”

“Yeah, I’d assume he’d pretty it up a bit, but it really wasn’t like that…”

“No I meant it more that, even with all he said, the emotion could be only conveyed by you.”

“Only conveyed by me, you say…”

Part of me still hates it, because it feels like I don’t deserve to open up. But This might be the best way to really start to fix some of the stuff I’ve broken before.

“So, feeling better?”

“I think I do, but I think I might need to play to check”

It sounds really stupid, but I feel like that’s the only place where it’s hard to lie to myself. I stood up, and Miriam once again pushed me towards the direction of the piano, as I found the seat, it was still warm from when I sat on it earlier. And before I realized, my hands were already playing it. The melody from yesterday sounded just as good as I remembered, and this time, I even managed to add something else at the end.

“It’s back, the sound from yesterday”

“Yeah, once you stopped holding it back, it wasn’t so hard, right?”

“Yeah, Thank You, Miriam, Also, I’m just now thinking about it, I never introduced myself properly, did I?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll wait to hear it through the song you make, I’m sure I’ll be able to tell”

“I’ll get to working on it straight away then, and I hope, that You, actually, everyone will hear it”

“I’ll be waiting, then”

And with that, she left, though I’m not sure how long we spent talking, I continued tuning the song till morning, bit by bit, making it longer and longer, and hopefully, pouring myself into what it’d become. When I heard the sound of the door being unlocked, I quickly got up, and fast-walked with confidence towards where I thought the door would be, without bumping into anything. I could hear Buck yawning before he fit the key, and as soon as he opened it, I placed my hands on his shoulders.

“Buck, I’ll do it, I’ll play instead of the performers”

Before storming off back home. I don’t think he answered with anything, though I heard his hand moving towards his face, but he was probably still properly waking up.

Despite staying up all night, and despite feeling my body was tired, I struggled falling asleep. The thought of what note next should I play occupied my mind more, and despite forming the next 10 or so seconds of the song in my head, I must’ve drifted off right after.

Straight after waking up, I rushed off to the Inn. I still held back when opening the door, but It seemed like I might’ve slammed it hard enough. It must’ve been lunch or midday, because I could hear people talking, which was quite unusual for the evening hours. I was hoping to get straight to the piano, but it seemed like Buck was giving out food, so I bumped into him as he was walking from one table back to the bar.

“Silas, You know You rushed off in the morning I wasn’t even sure If I heard it correctly, you said you’re gonna play instead of the performers, right?”

“Yeah, that’s right, I think I found it, a way I can express that I’m genuine”

“Ah, so that’s the case, well, feel free to use it as much as you need!”

I knew where the Piano was, whether it was because I got used to going to it from the entrance, or because of my gut feeling, but for the first time in this dark world of mine, something other than myself took root.

When I finally got to it, it was almost as If i could see each of the keys, I traced my hands along the top of them, and began reenacting the movements of the song, though I didn’t press any of them, out of respect for the other people in the inn, I could still hear each and everyone of them in my head, when one of my fingers was right above them.

I played, if it could be called that, till the inn closed. Buck would occasionally come by, thinking i’m just playing quietly, or leaving some food on the table behind me, but It was hard for me to focus on anything else. Miriam would come by round the time everyone left, and while she seemed to enjoy seeing me engulfed into making the song, she seemed pretty bummed out by the fact I didn’t actually commit to pressing the keys.

By the time I’d go home, the sun was starting to rise again, and after spending the whole day hunched over the piano, lying stretched out in the bed felt more amazing than I thought. Even if my fingers were still curled and I had trouble stretching them back to normal.

I did this again and again, focused only on the song, without saying a word to anyone, hoping it’d do the job for me. I wasn’t even sure if I overpaid for some of my meals, or if he was simply giving them to me out of his good will, considering the fact that he didn’t charge me for the last couple of days. But with each passing day, I felt it become more and more complete, and on the final night I seemed to have finished it, as no matter how much I racked my brain I could not find a continuation, I wasn’t sure if I made it before the party, but I think a part of me didn’t even care. Though judging by the fact that neither Buck nor Miriam came to wake me up, I think I must’ve been before the deadline.

When I next came to the inn, instead of rushing straight towards the piano i simply went back to the seat i’d normally near the bar, and considering it was the first time in a while where I didn’t just rush straight towards the piano, Buck seemed to knew I was finished:

“All done?”

“Yeah, I think, did I make it before the party?”

“Bahaha! So you didn’t even keep track? It’s tomorrow evening, you’re right in time”

“I see… I’m glad”

“Do you think it’s the right answer?”

“We’ll see tomorrow, you said it right? I just gotta do it if I believe it’s the right thing”

“Student surpasses his master…”

“Well, I’ve still got quite a lot to go through, but even then, thank you, for sticking with me up to this point”

“Why are you getting all emotional now of all times, come on!”

“Haha!”

It was probably the best talk I had with Buck I had so far. I decided to go to bed early today, so I bid him farewell not too long after, and went straight back home, which put me at ease, considering going between those two places has become my routine nowadays. Nevertheless, all I could do was wait for tomorrow.

I had another dream, and although they’re all still related to my life back during my criminal past, this one took quite a different spin. Instead of having to relieve the robberies I've done, I actually managed to catch a glance of myself saving a woman who was about to be shot by one of my partners. And even if to many that might sound stupid, the fact that maybe there was good in me even back then, put me at ease.

I got up from the bed, and was greeted by Miriam knocking on my door.

“Good morning! Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, but at the same time, I think I did for the past few days”

“Well, that’s great, now, let me borrow you for a few minutes”

“I was hoping to get prepared for the performance, you know?”

“That’s exactly what we’re doing, I took one of my brother’s suits, I think you’re about the same height, so it should fit you, and Old man BARBER said he can even give you a haircut in the morning, so we can get you polished up“

She’s probably right, I mean most of the clothes I took weren’t exactly the prettiest, and I don’t think I’ve groomed myself in a while. So I decided to go with her.

It was also my first time going somewhere else in the town, so the road was unfamiliar once again, but with her walking near me, I didn’t feel as alone as I normally would. I stopped counting the steps somewhere along the way, because her talking kept distracting me, which happened a couple of times. It wasn’t that long before we entered the saloon, and when I took my seat, the older man that started cutting my hair and beard, started a conversation instantly.

“So, You’re the new guy here?”

“Eh,, yes…”

I don’t think I was still used to talking to the rest of the townsfolk, or perhaps it was because I just wanted to get it over with, and start the performance. I think he got the idea, since after a while he didn’t ask any more questions, and instead just continued with the haircut.

After I was done, we started going to buck’s inn, to prepare for the performance. Perhaps because people knew something is going to happen later today, there seemed to be noone inside,

“Feeling nervous?”

“No, I don’t think so, I think I’m ready”

I wasn’t sure if he was happier for me, or more at the fact that the night he planned wasn’t going to waste completely, but it didn’t really matter to me at the moment. Miriam handed me the suit, and I changed into it. It fit me surprisingly well, maybe it felt slightly looser in some parts more than others, and slightly tighter in others, but it was better than I expected. Though after I left to showcase it to the two of them, Miriam came closeby and started fixing some of the things that I supposedly did wrong.

“You know, I didn't think you’d be so bad at the delicate things, considering how well you play the piano, but it’s all wrinkled up”

“Haha, my bad”

I think I was just too excited to really care, but at the same time, I don’t think I really cared about appearances in the first place, especially now that the only impression I have of someone is their voice.

“So, are you ready?”

“Yeah, I think I’ll practice for a bit, you know, as a warm-up”

I went towards the piano, and began reenacting which keys I’ll play for the final time. Both Miriam and Buck left me to do my own for now. And as I sat in my seat waiting for the performance to start, I could hear more and more people come in, slowly.

Some pairs, some groups were bigger, other people came by themselves, but I think I remembered where every single person sat, at least where I thought they’d be. I could feel their stares on me, and I can’t blame them, considering the fact that despite me “playing” the piano, no sounds came out.

Eventually, the sounds of people coming stopped, and instead, the small chatters between them became louder, and I heard footsteps approaching closer to me, before Miriam whispered to me.

“I think that’s everyone, do Your best”

She said, before getting off the stage, and with it, I knew it was my turn.

I pressed one note and held it, to grab everyone’s attention before starting. I knew what do play, I think in the span of these couple days, I must’ve moved my hands the same way at least a 100 times, so by now it was just muscle memory, and despite not being nervous whether I can play it, I was more nervous whether I can say what I want through my song.

But, without delaying it any further I started. Same combination, the feel of each press was good, and sounded even better than the notes in my head. All the guilt, released with each press, all the emotions, with each swipe across the keyboard. It was definitely easier than getting words out, the sounds that the piano made were so untainted.

By the time I was halfway over, I was struggling to breath from all of the concentration, but I hoped the audience wouldn’t notice. And part of me didn’t notice either, as I forced myself to continue playing I just wanted to play it out, the song I made. The song of sin, The song of repentance, but most importantly The song of Silas. The path I want to take, that I want to tell everyone about, even if I might not be deserving of trying.

So, did they hear it?

At the moment I was done, cheers and claps interrupted across the inn, it was perhaps the happiest I ever made someone, and while I was happy the performance turned out to be a good substitute for the people who had to skip out, i think the most important part to me was the fact that they got what i was trying to say. I heard familiar footsteps once again coming up closer to me

“I heard you say it, Your name I mean”

“Yeah, I hoped you would…”

As long as One person gets it, I’ll take it as a success. Slowly but surely, even if I can’t fix the things I've done, I hope that one day I’ll be able to play to everyone, so that they’ll understand that the feeling of regret that I have is genuine. I don’t care how long it takes, I have time, but as long as I live, I know I can make things right one day.