To Sing and Dance

How did my life flip from a laid-back backstage gig to this whirlwind? I used to handle the nuts and bolts—maintenance, fixing up anything that broke down. Now, I'm practically Sunayomi’s personal errand boy, running from coffee shops to boutiques, juggling their bags while they shop.

Even now, it’s surreal. Me, of all people, sitting on a bench and drinking bubble tea with Suguha Suzu while watching a flowing river. Seriously, how did I end up here?

"I like this," Suguha commented, her eyes fixed on the scenery in front of her. "The view, the atmosphere... Everything seems so perfect right now."

"Does it?"

"You don't think so?"

"Hm... Maybe it's because I've seen this place so many times already. Nothing new."

"That might be why I think it's so amazing. I see these places all the time, but I rarely get to stop and take it all in. The rehearsal room became my home, and I slowly got tired of looking at the mirror that reflected me, just dancing and singing nonstop. And then the next day... Haha. You guessed it. I get to do it all over again."

There she goes again with that saddened tone. I’m way past the idea that these girls have it easy. Beneath their bright smiles and starry eyes, there's a creeping trauma, slowly consuming them from the inside.

I would know how that feels like. Maybe too well. One day, Suguha might end up like me, and that's a fate I wouldn’t wish on anyone, not even in my darkest moments.

"Suguha. Can I ask you a question?"

"Hm? What is it?"

"It might seem blunt and rude in a way, and if you do feel that way, feel free to stop me whenever you want."

For a moment, I paused, gathering my thoughts, bracing myself for whatever words were about leave my mouth.

"You're an idol, but I always lowered you and the others down to the level of simple human beings. Even then, there's a clear difference between you and me. Every time I see you on television, you're always smiling. I thought you had everything you could ever want, and I never bothered to dig any deeper than that. But... There are times like these when I see that cheerful persona crack. Not just you. All of you. That's why I wanted to ask... Are you alright?"

Suguha looked at me with wide eyes, her mouth slightly ajar. She's the kind of person who can turn any serious moment into something lighter, effortlessly shifting the mood. That’s just who she is. I can't blame her for that. However, I hope she doesn’t try to do that right now, because this is a question that’s been weighing on me for the past month.

"Jeez... You just had to hit me with that, huh?" Suguha's voice wavered, her usual cheerfulness dimming. "When we asked if you were okay, you brushed it off, told us not to worry—not because nothing was wrong, but because you didn’t want us to get involved. That doesn't sound fair, does it?"

She pursed her lips, tilting her head up to the sky as if to formulate a proper response.

"Well, since you asked... Can I be completely honest with you, Yozora?"

"That's what I was hoping for."

I waited until she was fully ready, but I wasn't expecting her to slip off her sunglasses and pull off her bucket hat. I was just about to urge her to put them back on, but then I noticed the lack of people around. Even though the few who were there seemed preoccupied with their own lives, the risk of being recognized still lingered.

"Look," Suguha said. "The water and the sky are blue. The leaves on that tree are red. The grass around us is green."

She then inhaled sharply as if to take it all in.

"Isn't the world so bright and colorful? And you know what the best part is? It's that anyone can just stop and soak it all in, to see how beautiful it can really be... so why can't I? Every time I step out just to enjoy something as simple as a sunset, I have to hide behind sunglasses. If I wear them, everything looks muted, dull, as if the world had lost its color. If I take them off, people swarm, and suddenly, the view is gone. What do I have to do just to sit by a river and admire it like everyone else? The truth is... I can’t. There’s nothing I can do... Nothing at all."

As Suzu spoke, her words pierced through me like a cold wind. I could see the pain behind her eyes, the frustration of living a life where even the simplest pleasures were tainted by fame and expectations.

"Then... How do you feel about this life, being an idol and all that?" I asked. "I always thought it was every little girl's dream. Up on stage with the big lights while the crowd cheers out her name.

"It was my dream... until it wasn't. There's this lingering thought in my back of my head that always wonders... How different would my life be had I told my parents I didn't want to be an idol?"

"You'd probably be living a normal life out there somewhere. Maybe like me, who somehow landed a job as a famous idol group's assistant."

"Maybe, huh? Ha~ Sometimes, I think about another universe where I'm sitting in this exact spot and staring at this river. No fans rushing to me, no sunglasses to block out the colors—just me and myself. Most people would hear that and think how boring it sounds, but to me... It sounds amazing."

It struck me how unfair it was that she, who deserved freedom like anyone else, was trapped in a prison of her own making. In a way, I couldn't help but compare her struggles to mine, thinking that it was so trivial. And yet, here I was, helplessly thinking that sometimes, even the smallest bit of freedom can feel out of reach for someone like her. It was disheartening.

"You know, I used to love dancing and singing," Suguha said. "It was my favorite thing to do, and it was always such a fun little hobby for me to pass the time."

"Used to?"

"Heh. Caught it immediately like I knew you would. Yeah. I 'used to,' meaning I don't anymore. In fact... I think I hate it more than anything now."

"...Really? You, an idol whose job is to sing and dance, hates singing and dancing?"

"Yep. Sounds weird, doesn't it? But then again, it's not like you enjoy being our assistant, but you're here anyway."

"Not by choice."

"Same concept. Anyway, I first felt off when my parents pushed me to be better. They put me into classes had me participate in recitals. They're also the ones who set me up to become an idol, and I'm grateful... but for some reason, I can't stop thinking that they took something I loved and turned it into something I hate."

So all of this stemmed from her parents... just like me.

"Why don't you take a break then? Relax a bit and recharge."

"I can't. If I do, I'll lose my skills. If I lose my skills, then I can't perform to the expectation of my fans. The last I want is to be blamed and hated by strangers whom I don't even know... just because I decided to give up. It's weird, isn't it? This career... This path is supposed to be mine to choose, but at the same time, it feels like I don't really have a choice."

She then let out a prolonged sigh.

"It's kind of funny, don't you think? My whole life is a series of what-ifs. If this happens, then that happens, and if that happens, then this follows. None of it feels right, but it's the price I pay. That's why... I can never truly be normal. The only choice I have is to keep existing in this cage, where every move I make is... i-is..."

Suguha's voice cracked at the very end, and she lifted her fingers to her eyes. As hard as she tried to cover it up, it became too much. Just like that, the dam that had been filled to the brim had finally crumbled, and the tears fell.

"S-shoot..." she mumbled while smiling, though it was a clear façade. "I didn't think that... talking about this would so... so... hard."

She covered her eyes and turned away. I was about to rest my hand on her shoulder, but I hesitated. We're not close enough for me to do that, so I can only offer a few words.

"Take it easy," I said. "After all, that's what today was for, right? For you to experience the normal side. Reflecting and crying? Hah. That's what we 'normal' people do on a daily basis, so no need to feel embarrassed."

For a while, we sat there in silence. I kept myself from looking at her just in case she didn't want me to. Even then, curiosity got the better of me. She had slipped her bucket hat back on so that it covered her entire face.

Take as long as you need, Suguha Suzu. You deserve it.