Silence in Doubts

WARNING: This chapter contains depictions of sexual harassment that may be unsuitable for some readers. Please, read at your own discretion.

It's that name again. When I had first heard of it, I felt like I had just opened Pandora's Box. There was someone I had to compare myself with, and from the looks of it, he was a terrible person.

"Assistant Tanaka..." I said. "Hah."

"Y-Yozora?" Natsume mumbled.

I was always wary about becoming Sunayomi's assistant, and I guess it makes sense. What's a young, inexperienced guy like me got on a veteran in the idol industry? But I had no choice. I was thrown into this role and forced to accept it. If I couldn’t escape, then I had to get used to it.

That's why I've been so careful. Even after a month and a half, I still feel like I'm fumbling in the dark. I don't always know what I should or shouldn’t do, what I can or can’t say, or how I'm supposed to act. I try to learn as much as I can, but there's always this nagging feeling that I’ll never be perfect, that I’m missing something important.

I know I'm not like him, and I’ll do everything in my power to keep it that way. But there’s this part of me that can’t shake the thought… Am I heading down the same path he did? Will I end up hurting them somehow?

"Natsume," I said. "Do you remember when I said that I would do my best as your assistant?"

"Yes, I do, and you've been doing well, Yozora."

"Maybe I have. Maybe I haven't. Ever since I heard about Assistant Tanaka, I kept thinking that all I had to do was avoid being like him. Bullying? Insulting? I don't even think I could even if I tried. But... I can't help but compare myself to him. After all, I'm stuck in the very position he was in when it all went wrong."

"Eh? Yozora! Don't say that. You're nothing like him."

"How can you be sure? What have I done for you that makes you think I can't?"

With that, she flinched. There it is. That's the face I was looking for. It was almost the same face she made back then, the look of absolute fear when I had gotten too close.

People can say whatever kind things they want, but they can easily switch up with just a little push. That's why I don't like having to interact with them. That's why I avoid them when I can, because it's tiring to decide who is or isn't being genuine.

"If you're not hungry anymore, we can—"

"Yozora," she sternly called out. "Trust me. You're not like him... at all."

Just as quickly, her whole demeanor changed again. She was no longer cowering away. Instead, she sat up straight, fixed her posture, and maintained a confident look as she met my eyes.

"Can I... tell you something?" she asked.

"...What is it?"

Natsume took a deep breath as she looked away. I hadn't intended for this trip to go like this, but now that it is, I'll give her my full attention. It's the least I can offer.

"Assistant Tanaka was a very good assistant," she said. "He's done so much for us, and he helped out a ton. To be honest, we wouldn't be where we are today without him... and he knew that too. Like you heard, he bullied and screamed at us a lot. He used his status as someone important to our success to garner favors from us. But... That wasn't the whole story."

"What could be worse than that?"

Natsume bit her lips as if hesitating. "I... I trust you, Yozora, so I'll tell you. Assistant Tanaka... tried to groom me."

Just then, a violent shiver coursed through my entire body. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t look away from her as she sat there, clearly distressed. I couldn’t move, not even my fingers. It felt as though my lungs had stopped working altogether. All I could do was stay there, those words echoing in my head.

"He... what...?" I struggled to say.

Natsume inhaled sharply as a way to control her breathing.

"You know, I wasn't not originally from Japan. I left my home country of Korea to become an idol. That's why I had a hard time adjusting to the norms and culture here. To be honest, I still don't understand a lot. Assistant Tanaka went out of his way to teach me, but... it wasn't until a lot later that I realized he was teaching a bit more than what was necessary. I still remember everything. Every disgusting word he said to me, every time he tried to touch me, and every single instance... of him attempting more than just that... It's all stuck in my head, as if my mind is refusing to let me forget."

With each passing second, my mind sank deeper. That face she made when I had gotten too close... It's because she was terrified. What she had to go through left a scar that can never be healed. And to make it worse, I invited her into my apartment. Why did she agree to that? Why did...

"Well...? Yozora?" Natsume mumbled. "Do you still think that you can compare yourself to him?"

"I... I..."

Suddenly, Natsume threw herself across the table, grasping my hands in hers. The darkness that had been closing in on me lifted, and all I could see was her. There wasn’t a smile, no forced expression to say everything was fine. Instead, it was just her, a subtle frown of worry that somehow reassured me.

"I'll answer that for you," she said, her voice steady. "You’re not like him, not even close. You might not have the same experience, but you do so much for us. You're kind, you're respectful, and above all… you care. At least, I think you do. But just in case you didn't catch it the first time…"

Natsume squeezed my hands tighter, a soft smile finally gracing her lips.

"…You're way better than him. I think you're doing amazing as our assistant, and I want you to know that. So… don't ever compare yourself to him again. Because if you do, I'll hit you."

As she kept her gaze on me, I felt a warm sensation washing over me. Every doubt in my mind shattered, replaced by a sudden notion that maybe, just maybe... I'm enough. This whole assistant job might not actually be that bad.

"Thank you, Natsume," I said. "And... I'm sorry."

"Hm? For what?"

"For letting those thoughts get to me, and for making you recall all those painful memories."

"It's fine, Yozora. Thanks to the girls, I'm okay for the most part now. I just need a bit more time. And... Maybe you can stay to help me?"

"What... Okay. That might be pushing it just a little."

"Hehe, darn. It was a worth a shot."

"Hello!" the waitress came by and greeted us. "Sorry for the long wait. So, are we ready to order?"