A Fractured Mind, Part 8

In the morning, Eric found himself waking up earlier than Caleb and Hope did. He didn't want to disturb their sleep, so he took the time to take another walk through the remains of his hometown. He had seen much of it last night, but only in the dark of the moon, and there was still one place he had yet to actually find.

As he traveled north towards the end of town, memories of his past life began to bubble up to the surface once again. He found old parks he played in as a child, stores he used to frequent with his family, and houses of old friends he once visited frequently. He could almost perfectly map this area by memory, but he still couldn't find his old childhood home, which he lived in until the effects of the war forced him and his family to shelter in the church.

To be honest, there was nothing in particular he wanted to find at his childhood home, but it was like a hole in his memory that he just couldn't fill in. He wondered if it was truly impossible for him to remember without having his memory backup reinstalled back at a facility. But if he went back now, who knew how long it would take to get back here? Who knew if he even wanted to come back here once he regained his memories?

As he pondered this, he suddenly heard his name being called in the distance. He turned around to see Caleb and Hope walking towards him. He waited for them to arrive before explaining what he was doing all the way out here.

“I don't suppose we could stay just a little bit longer?” Eric asked hopefully. “I won't ask for more than a day from you.”

“That's fine,” Caleb replied. “But do you really remember? All the places and buildings that used to be here?”

“Yeah. I mean, it's not like I'm regaining lost memories,” Eric explained. “It's more that the memories that were already loaded into me during the backup are popping up again.”

“You bounce back quick,” Hope observed curiously. “I thought finding out you were a remainer would shock you a little more than that.”

“Maybe it's because of that, but it didn't really affect me that much,” Eric remarked. “Either way, there's nothing I can do by moping about it.”

Hope hummed, somewhat impressed. “In any case, can you really recognize where everything used to be? It seems a little far-fetched, in my opinion.”

“Sort of. It's a little hazy, but it's as if my brain is superimposing images of the past onto the present. Is that something nanomachine brains can do?”

Hope shrugged. “No idea. It's not like remainers understand the inner workings of our bodies all that much. Nanomachine brains are the biggest mystery.”

“I thought we had knowledge banks installed to give us information on all kinds of subjects.”

“Sure, but our information processing is still around the level of a normal human's. We can't fully absorb that information or keep it in short-term memory for long.”

“That's a shame,” Eric said with a sigh. “To be honest, I think the biggest reason I can't find my childhood home is that even back then it was a hazy memory for me. After all, I haven't seen it in years at this point. It might even not exist anymore.”

“Of course it doesn't exist anymore. It's been hundreds of years.”

“Right. ...I forgot about that.”

“Don't think too much about the house itself,” Caleb suggested. “Focus on the memory instead. If you can find the location of where the house used to be, your memories should fill in the gaps.”

Eric nodded. Caleb was right. He didn't need to focus on the details. What was more important was being able to visualize it. He took a moment to process the area he was currently standing in. He could remember that it was an old residential area where he used to live in, and while the details were a little vague, he felt that this was the road he used to take to walk to school. He took a moment to re-orient himself towards the north, aided by the rising sun, and began walking down the road.

After about five minutes, Eric reached an area that he recognized as a park he would occasionally stop at while on his way home from school. There was nothing there now, but in his memories he could still see the pastel-colored playground, the mothers sitting on the park bench, and the children playing on the swings. He stopped for a moment and picked up some of the dirt from the park, which crumbled away like sand in his fingers.

After reminiscing for a little longer, Eric began looking around again. He was looking for a winding path behind the park that led further down to the east end of the town, where much of the low-income housing was located. He quickly discovered it after walking a short distance down a small hill, and after walking another fifteen minutes, Eric arrived at what used to be another small neighborhood.

Like the rest of the town, there was almost no sign that there used to be any homes here. Only faint marks on the ground where the lots used to be. Even so, Eric's memories filled in the blanks, rebuilding the grimy neighborhood he used to live in. The closer he got, the more he felt like he was on the cusp of remembering where his home used to be. Nevertheless, he still couldn't remember the exact path. He continued to walk through the imaginary roads, searching desperately for the way home all the while.

“Hey,” Hope suddenly said out loud.

“What's the matter?” Eric asked without stopping his search.

“Why are you looking for your old house anyway? You know it isn't going to be here anymore.”

“I know. But even so, I feel like I need to do it.”

“You need to?” Hope seemed confused. “What do you mean by that?”

“I don't know,” Eric said hesitantly. “But I just know that if I can find my family home, I'll understand.”

“Understand?” Hope began to press with another question, but she was stopped by Caleb.

“Let it go, Hope,” Caleb said softly. “We've got time, after all.”

Hope sighed, but she quietly accepted Caleb's request as Eric continued following the street down to the remains of a crumbling stone wall that once encircled the neighborhood. Eric remembered this wall; it was the place where he once played both with his brother so long ago. As he looked around the area with faint recognition, he found himself drawn to one particular place, and with every step he took, he felt himself falling backwards into his past.

To Caleb and Hope, it was yet another empty lot. But Eric saw a one-story house, painted forest green, supposedly his grandfather's favorite color. It was aged and decrepit even during his youth, but it still stood fairly strong against any storm. At that time, technology wasn't much in use anymore, so he used to play in the yard for hours with the other children in the neighborhood, whether it be hide and seek or tag.

They were forced to leave the house once the wars got worse. He remembered his mother sobbing the day they had to leave. It had been her childhood home just as it was his, and she had believed she would live out her whole life in that home. Unfortunately, that never came to be, and as the global situation continued to decay, it began to look as if she would never be able to go back.

Suddenly, Eric clutched his head as if it was in pain. It was as if something that he shouldn't have been able to access had suddenly burst open, flooding his mind. Caleb ran to him and braced him by grabbing his shoulders.

“What's the matter, Eric? Are you alright?”

“I... I remember now,” Eric replied. “That was why I came all the way here!”

“What do you mean?”

“I remembered. My reason for becoming a remainer.”

Caleb and Hope seemed surprised, but in an instant seemed to understand what he was talking about. To Eric, it was a moment of clarity. This whole time, he felt like he had been forgetting something, and aside from the memories of his life as a remainer, he had finally found it.

When he became an adult, Eric had begun working as a military engineer. The pay was just enough to provide for him and his ailing mother, who had grown weak over years of living on the edge of poverty. For many, a career in the military was the best they could hope for, and for Eric, it was the same.

His mother, however, was never happy with his decision to work in the military. She was always scared that he'd have to go to the frontline and get killed in action. It didn't matter how many times he explained that his job was more behind the scenes, or that modern warfare didn't really have much of a front line these days, but it didn't matter. She had lost much over the years, including her husband and a son, and Eric was the only family she had left. He couldn't blame her.

Still, no matter what he did, the war got worse, and the Earth's condition continued to reach the point where it was no longer livable. Eventually, the plans to abandon Earth and move all of humanity onto a great expeditionary ship were started, as well as the project to create remainers. Knowing how treacherous the Earth already was, Eric learned that if he became a remainer, he could receive priority boarding for his family members.

His mother wouldn't have it, though. Torn from her family for an unknown amount of time, even if she would be in cryostasis, was too much for her. She was adamant that she could wait, but Eric didn't agree. The air on Earth had become incredibly polluted, and the longer his mother stayed on Earth, the more worried he was that she'd succumb to illness. She was weak enough as it was, and the sooner she was in cryostasis, the better.

She continued to be stubborn, however, so he ended up making a promise to her. No matter how long it took, one day she'd come back to Earth, and the two of them would return to their family home. Eric had no idea how long that would take, or if she would even make it back to Earth, but right now, she just needed to be convinced. And thankfully, that promise was enough.

And so, his mother went into cryostasis while he underwent the remainer conversion process. That was where his recovered memories stopped, but honestly, that was all he needed.

***

“Are you all right?” Caleb asked as he handed Eric a canteen of water. Eric took the canteen even though he wasn't thirsty; he appreciated the gesture nevertheless.

“Thanks,” he said, though he didn't take a sip of water. “I just need a moment to rest. We can start heading out soon.”

“Hey, no need to rush things,” Caleb said cautiously. “If you need an extra day to rest, you should take it.”

“It's fine, really. Right now, I really want to get back to a maintenance facility so I can complete my memory backup.”

“Right.” Caleb seemed uncomfortable. “I guess there's no avoiding that.”

“What's the matter?” Eric said with a confident smile. “In the end, your gamble paid off. Isn't that great?”

“Sure, but you could only remember one small thing in the end. You weren't able to fully recover your memories.”

“So what? I remembered what was important to me. That's what matters in the end.”

The two fell silent for a bit. Eric looked back at the town once more. It was as desolate as it always was, and without his memories to paint a portrait of the past, it looked like nothing but a dry desert plain, with that crumbling church serving as the last remaining sign of civilization.

“Caleb. Answer me one question, and then we can start heading out.”

“...Okay. What is it?”

“Do you have a reason to live?”

Caleb was surprised, and for a moment he seemed at a loss as to how to respond. Eventually, he managed to find an answer. “I suppose I do.”

“Could I hear it? If it's not too personal.”

“It's nothing like that. There were two people that I... used to know. They helped me find my bearings in this world. If I'm living now, it's so I can prove they didn't waste their time raising me.”

“I see. So it's out of gratitude. But that's not good enough, Caleb.”

Caleb seemed upset by what Eric said. “What do you mean by that?”

“You're living for their sake, not yours. Which is fine, don't get me wrong. But out of all the people left on Earth, you're the one who needs the most reason to live. You understand that, right?”

Just one glance at Caleb's expression told Eric he already did. To be honest, it was something Eric only recently realized as well. He, Hope, and everybody else on Earth were essentially immortal. Even if they took fatal damage, like he supposedly had, a quick reboot and they were fine. But Caleb was different. Caleb was the only remainer who could die.

“Life is precious. But it's only precious to people who can recognize their own value. I hope you can find something like that before your time's up.”

Caleb scoffed and turned around. “Everyone's life is precious. That includes remainers.”

Eric smiled. He knew exactly what Caleb was trying to say. “I suppose that's right.”