Initiation (2)

Trying to meet her on her level had been a terrible idea. All I’d gotten out of it was a memorable set of muscle cramps. With a groan of frustration, I reluctantly resumed the push-ups. I collapsed by the twenty-ninth. That’s when the tormentor finally lifted her weight off me, "I didn’t expect you to get that far. You really were determined to learn from me... You've earned the right to stay. Watch quietly until the hour's up."

In my defeated state, the teenager walked away and resumed her movements where she had left off. Lying face down, I barely had the strength to turn my head and catch her in my line of sight. This viper would go to any lengths to maintain her little habits. Despite everything she’d said during our cartography lesson, she had no problem reminding me how unwanted I was.

"The Killer Wind only recruits special people. And you, you’re special. I can tell you have the will to change this kingdom I want to embark on this journey with you for no other reason."

She had convinced me. I didn’t think she had lied, but her actions contradicted her words.

It’s clear she didn’t recruit you out of goodwill, Nathan! She takes her frustrations out on you whenever she gets the chance. She hates you because you reek of nobility from miles away. If she tolerates you, it’s because ‘special’ people must be hard to come by...

By mealtime, it was no surprise to find me slumped over the bowl Justine had just served. Today, it was soup. The meal was accompanied by a salad of red Trabets and a warm loaf of bread. Even though Aurora had healed me with her magic to start our sword training, my spirits hadn't recovered...

If you want to know the truth, I was thinking back to last Saturday. During the news bulletin, we had received updates about the royal magician who had let the mercenaries into the Capitol. Tried for high treason against the crown and sexual assaults on his apprentices, the outcome of his trial had been swift and without appeal. Though the man certainly had a criminal record, the crime that had cost him his life was orchestrated by the Killer Wind. Did he really deserve for his public humiliation to be broadcast across the kingdom?

That man on the scaffold—that could be me.

The government wouldn’t care whether I was a prince or coerced against my will. Given the current state of affairs, my return would have troubled more than a few ministers… Noticing that I wasn’t touching my food, Justine placed a hand on my shoulder in a gesture of sympathy, "If I were you, I’d gulp it all down in one go."

"Why would I do that? What you cook deserves to be savored properly."

Aurora suddenly burst out laughing, nearly spitting out the steaming soup she had just downed in one gulp. Her accomplice gave a sly smile, quickly hidden by the bowl she raised vertically.

She's joining in too! What is going on here?

"You should hear yourself...! It’s not often that Justine goes to such lengths to bring Fauvir’ blood to our plates. Drink up!"

I stared at their plates in confusion. What could be so special about this soup? Was it an expensive dish? I’d never heard of it at Court... Why the rush to drink it?

"What’s 'Fauvir'?" I asked.

"A bird that can’t fly. Its blood is a highly sought-after ingredient for certain dishes, like this soup! So don’t waste it, alright?"

Uncertain, I decided to follow their advice. I took the hot bowl and brought it to my face to imitate them.

Blow me down! What’s that thing?!

As soon as my taste buds awoke, I was overwhelmed by a horrendous sensation, accompanied by an atrocious taste. Had I just swallowed sweat-soaked socks? No, it was a thousand times worse! What had they put in my dish? Poison? A magical potion? Was it even edible?

The intense nausea that hit me made me spit out the soup. But before I could do anything, Aurora pressed her hand over my mouth, preventing me from vomiting, "Don’t even think about it. Swallow."

I met her steely gaze, which stripped away my astonishment and replaced it with fear. I turned to Justine, seeking her kindness again, but she merely watched to see if I would manage to swallow. Cold sweats broke out on me. The humiliating sensation of betrayal weighed heavily on my shoulders.

"If you refuse to do this, it means you're not capable of honoring our contract. Without passing this step, you’ll never be worthy of being a mercenary. You won’t be able to protect anyone, let alone your family of hypocrites."

"Your Majesty, do you even love your family?"

Just mentioning the topic was enough to shatter my self-esteem. Determined to prove her wrong, I forced myself to swallow a sip of the revolting substance. Justine had tried to mask the odor with other foods, like small pieces of meat, but it was futile: she could never erase the aftertaste, which clearly revealed the toxicity of the product. Their advice made perfect sense now. However, it was too late to change the situation. I would have to swallow it all because conceding wasn’t in their vocabulary.

I want it all to stop. Please. I’m scared. It hurts. Make it stop! Kill me!

My throat burned and itched from the inside, the foul air desperately wanting to escape. The more I swallowed, the more I wished to disappear, even if it meant shrinking or becoming invisible. I hunched over, breaking free from Aurora's hold, and pressed my forehead against the table.

Bang your forehead, hit it, hit it until the board breaks. It will stop all this pain.

I felt it: I was no longer myself. Something was introducing negative thoughts into my mind. Dirty ideas. This malevolent force attacked me by exploiting my vulnerabilities.

You’re nothing but a pathetic failure, unable to meet your father’s expectations.

You’ll never have the courage to take a life. You’ll never leave here because you’re too weak.

"Will you really have the guts to follow through with your words? Or is it fear speaking?" Aurora had asked me. I had never known the answer myself. Everything had been confusing since my kidnapping. I thought I knew myself, but those beliefs had been dismantled one by one by my savior. Doubt overwhelmed me: what should I do with my life now? Will I pathetically choke in front of them?

No one has ever wanted you. No royal blood flows through your veins. You must have been adopted to hide the queen’s infertility. You’ve always been just their tool.

No, Humm… It’s not the time for that… What’s wrong with me…?

You’re not human. You’re an anomaly. You shouldn’t exist. All the privileges you’ve enjoyed, you never deserved them. You appropriated nobility, a family, and a throne that weren’t meant for you. You’re an impostor. They never wanted you.

Coward. Monster. Useless. Impostor.

I wanted it all to stop. The doubts. The truth. The more my head spun, the more I lost control over my thoughts.

Disappear. You don’t belong here. Die, and everything will be lighter. Everything will be better. You’re the reason Father is ill. You remind Mother of all her flaws. The family curse comes from you. You’ve killed them all, and now it’s your turn.

With difficulty, I focused on reality and fought the pressing urge to smash my head into oblivion. The mercenary had tilted the bowl so I could see its contents: a bowl still half-full. The bare sight of it terrified me.

No, I can’t swallow this stuff anymore. It’s impossible. I’d rather die!

So this is what torture feels like? My hand was drawn to the silver knife. The urge was irresistible. My instinct urged me: die. I need to die. Before I knew it, the blade had slipped between my fingers, narrowly avoiding my skin. I froze.

Blood-red eyes stared back at me. Their pupils were bottomless pits. Aurora had rested her cheek against the table, holding the knife’s handle firmly as it embedded itself into the furniture. We faced each other like two reflections in a mirror, “Well, is it for today or for tomorrow?”

Her expression was unreadable. The liquid swirled as she began to play with the bowl to pressure me. I took a pitiful sip. Another. Another… Submitting meant smothering what was left of Prince Nathan and Edwoyn. At that moment, it seemed surprisingly reasonable.

What’s the point of struggling if I’m going to die in excruciating pain, probably hanged like that royal magician?

I had lost all desire to cling on. Becoming a mercenary? What a joke! I was so weak that I couldn’t even protect my own lips from poison. How could I claim I would protect my family, save Mother, and put an end to the government's abuses? After what felt like an eternity of small sips, I had finally finished what was swelling in my cheeks. As soon as I sat up, Aurora brought the bowl to my lips.

My hands weakly raised up, “Please, leave me alone. Why are you torturing me?” I gasped, out of breath.

I didn’t have to drink this stuff because I was no mercenary. So why insist? Aurora was far too generous to want to lift me up, to take the time to educate me when my cause seemed hopeless. Her cold hand grabbed my chin. She forced me to lift it to pour the rest of the potion, spoonful by spoonful. My teeth were so tightly clenched that she had to use the metal handle of the spoon as a pry bar.

“The despair and confusion you’re feeling are side effects of the Fauvir’s blood. You mustn’t let this influencing magic bring you down. Whatever’s happening in your head, it’s not reality.”

Really? Yet, deep down, I’ve always felt this way. I was only ignoring this malaise, hoping things would resolve themselves…

Another sip, and I detached from my senses. My trachea was so irritated I felt like I was burning from within. Tears, warm and salty, began to flow gradually. I found myself sobbing silently, unable to open my mouth.

Why waste time with a reject? Why invest everything in me?

What did I have that was extraordinary to attract the attention of the greatest criminals of Asyria? I was a dead weight that everyone rejected as if I might explode in their hands.

“For goodness’ sake! Make an effort, Edwoyn! There’s not much left!” Aurora snapped again.

I inevitably lost this battle of strength. Yielding to the overwhelming pressure of that viper, I no longer resisted, just like the night of my abduction. Fear paralyzed me from head to toe.

You have nothing. You don’t even own your life.

Long minutes passed during which I remained numb. Justine chose to use that time to wash the dishes. I was exhausted, and despite everything, I let Aurora feed me. I let the suicidal thoughts consume me until they made no more sense. I didn’t feel any better after finishing the soup. On the contrary, since I had regained my senses, I was mortified with shame. It would now be impossible for me to trust anyone. I hadn’t seen it coming. From the beginning, Justine could have poisoned her dishes at any moment. It was clear that from now on, I could never eat with peace of mind again. And what about their soup? Had they really drunk the same thing as me in one gulp? Why hadn’t they experienced any side effects?

“What did you do to me?”

Justine looked at me with pity, “You’ve just passed our initiation ritual. Besides the bad taste, Fauvir’s blood reveals the weaknesses and doubts of those who drink it. Few candidates can resist their darkest instincts. Many give up in disgrace, if they don’t die first… Now that you’re officially a mercenary, we can take you on a mission.”

People had committed suicide after drinking this soup?! Were they out of their minds?

“You didn’t really think that just anyone could call themselves a mercenary, did you? Oh, you should see your face! I don’t even recognize you anymore. Where’s the prince who wanted to sacrifice himself for the noble cause? You’d never have made it if I hadn’t given you a little help, admit it!”

I didn’t comment on Aurora’s mocking. Their indifference had hurt me so deeply that the rest barely affected me. I had still risked my life! Was this really a step that all mercenaries had to go through?

“Aurora, don’t push him further! Can’t you see he’s not in the mood? I’m sorry I didn’t warn you, but it’s the rule: if we had informed you, the trial would have lost all its meaning and it would have complicated things. It was for your own good, believe me.”

This didn’t justify their stabbing me in the back. They had left me to my fate without hesitation. They even mocked me while I was suffering. Did they plan to hide other compromising details like this from me?

Disappointed by their attitude, I narrowed my swollen eyes with reproach. Summoning my remaining strength, I raised my hands and responded bitterly, “Are you satisfied now? Is it over? Could you let me go to my room now…?”

“There’s one more thing you need to know,” Aurora said, holding me back. “By ingesting Fauvir’s blood, you’ve gained an aura.”

“An aura?” I repeated weakly.

“Yes, it’s an invisible force surrounding the most hostile magical creatures. Humans don’t have one by birth, and fauvir is the only way to acquire it. When a person approaches an aura, they feel an overwhelming power that reflects the bearer’s determination. That’s how you recognize a mercenary. Drinking the blood again doesn’t increase the aura’s power, but Justine insisted that everyone retake the trial if a new member joins us. She was with me for my first time, so we did the same for you.”

Incredible. They had really drunk the same poison as me. These criminals must have been insensitive not to have spat out a single drop. They hadn’t even shown a hint of disgust while drinking that horror! It was probably proof that their ‘mental control’ far exceeded mine, and that I still had a lot of work to do in that area.

Is the second time easier to endure?

Slumped on my stool, I wiped my tears silently. Between bouts of nausea, I remembered the strong impressions the two had left on me repeatedly. It seemed like nothing could unsettle them, and they were willing to do anything to satisfy their desires. Before such greatness, I could only bow down.

True power… Many claimed to possess it by flaunting wealth and authority, but the Killer Wind truly possessed it. It wasn’t something that could be inherited or bought with money. I still didn’t know how this power was acquired, but I had no doubt it came at the cost of significant sacrifices…

“Do you want me to carry you to your bed? Take your time to recover, okay?”

Lost in a mental fog, I agreed to set my ego aside and let them drag me away from that kitchen of Hell. It was then that I noticed my mentor had become all sweet and sugary again. She switched from cruelty to kindness with such ease that I wouldn’t have believed it was the same person.

Although I couldn’t know what was truly on her mind, I knew she couldn’t be sincere in changing her demeanor so abruptly. Maybe she had never been sincere at all…

In summary, these last few days had been far from pleasant, and given what lay ahead, things were unlikely to get any better…