3.5 To Hold Back the Tears

When Cérise found her drinking tea in Kaz's hideout, Snail expected... well, nothing. And she also got nothing.

Would Cérise cry if she died? Or even be sad? When he found her, his greeting was, "Ah," and then, "the city guards should be coming back soon, if they're not here already, so take Kaz to them," and then, "Tell Mish to avoid the southerners. Should be common sense, but," and then he walked away.

Snail took a moment to recognize him, given the mask and distorted voice. It would've been nice to see his expression when he realized she was unharmed. Or maybe not.

At least the others seemed relieved when Snail showed up. Mish didn't need to be told to hide from the southerners, because she had common sense. Not that Snail knew exactly what had happened, but she, too, had common sense. Most people did. Cérise just liked to think the worst possible scenario about everything and everyone. In any case, from the three southerners, the smallest one, bespectacled and sharp-eyed, hid Mish from the other two—a blond girl with an intricate braid and no eyebrows and and even blonder man with a scar on his jaw—by using his body. All of them wore plated, silver armor, which was a funny sight in this weather.

It would've been nice to talk to them, but if Cérise hid and Mish did the same (with some help), then they probably weren't in amicable terms. The guards left, taking Kaz and his group with them. Snail would never see him again, probably... though that's what she'd said last time.

"Guess that settles it," said the bespectacled guy. "Svart, Val, let's dip. You coming with us, guard?"

The guard Snail recognized as the boy from the restaurant shook his head. Earlier, they'd made eye contact. Snail wasn't sure whether to say hi or not, so she'd just kind of awkwardly looked away, catching, at the last second, how he'd waved. By the time she glanced back, he'd turned the gesture into hair-twirling. Thus had ended their acknowledgment of each other's existence. Her chest ached, kind of, but Snail was used to it by now. "No, I..." He trailed off.

"No? Too bad. Svart, Val, let's dip."

Akiha reached out a hand, then retreated it. All the while, as they left, the bespectacled guy herded the other two in a way that kept them from looking at Mish, who, to her credit, had gone to hide behind a conveniently-placed crate. Around the time Snail began to wonder just how they'd leave the oasis, she caught the southerners taking a carriage that looked far less worn than the rest; the guards had probably left it behind for them to borrow.

It was getting late.

It was getting orange.

It was getting cold.

Just like fire burned hotter when blue-white, the noon sky scorched anything that faced it without protection. The opposite happened as the day aged and withered like a leaf before snowfall back at Snail's hometown.

The southerners left.

They were alone now, Snail and Cérise and Two-Rabbit and Akiha and Mish and the... the guard. "Hello," he said, but not to Snail—to Akiha. "I, um. I got one of your letters. Remember?"

"Oh." But where Snail would've expected him to brighten, Akiha merely nodded. Once. "Are you joining us, then? That's... thanks. Much obliged. Could we sit for a moment?"

Mish leaped off the crate, landing on top of Snail, who squealed. "You're fiiine! Oh, sweetie, you poor thing. It's fine now. Everything's fine now."

At least someone was happy to see Snail. She smiled, to herself. "Right," mumbled Akiha. "Pardon me, Snail, I'm not... I'm a bit off at the moment. I need to rest. Just a moment. We can celebrate later."

Fortunately for him, there were plenty of rest spots. Would it be impolite to show them Kaz's yurt? Maybe? For some reason, it felt like betrayal, so she merely followed as they headed to some yurt. Cérise showed up around that time, maskless. He didn't look at Snail. Not that he'd call her a sweetie or try to console her, but a 'hello' would've been nice. Snail stayed close to Mish. When they'd made their way inside the tent and she found a seat, Two-Rabbit patted her head. Snail had to swallow and shut her eyes really hard to hold back the tears. She didn't know why.

What wasn't fine was the following silence. Why? What had happened? But it seemed unwise to ask. She'd just have to live with that question, knowing Cérise.

To her, Mish mouthed, 'What's wrong, sweetie?'

'What's wrong' was the worst weapon against holding back tears. Snail had to grit her teeth. What was wrong? That she'd been kidnapped? That she'd seen a ghost? That she'd seen two? That she'd failed to reach Kaz earlier? That nobody cared about her? Oh, well, no. That wasn't true. It was merely the rush of emotions getting to her. Snail shook her head.

Two-Rabbit glanced at them from the corners of his eyes. He said, "It's getting late."

"Yes," replied Akiha. "Just a moment. I need to recover."

"Let's recover somewhere else."

"Just a moment."

"It gets cold at night," Mish told him, rubbing Snail's back. "Very cold."

The guard cleared his throat again and again and again, but no one turned to look at him. Where was Cérise? Snail glanced at the door and, surely enough, he stood outside, waiting.

Akiha, who had been sitting on a log with his face against his fists, elbows on his knees, nodded. "Yes. The driver from earlier is still waiting for us, I presume. I'm just thinking where to... what to..."

"Do?"

He nodded.

Mish looked around. For some time, no one spoke. So much for 'a moment'.

"Rest?" Proposed Two-Rabbit.

Akiha muttered, "Just a moment."

"No. What I mean is that you should rest. We could rest. Here."

Mish tensed, but she said nothing. Akiha glanced at Two-Rabbit, if just for a moment. "Do you mean to imply we should stay here for the night?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"We're the only ones here."

"Is that not a bad thing?"

"No."

From outside, Cérise spoke, "It's a camp. It's full of supplies. There's no one else around. Can't you get the hint?"

Why couldn't he ever be nice? Why? Akiha looked around then, as though he'd only just realized. In a way, Snail supposed he'd just taken off hand-shaped blindfolds. "That's... true."

Snail glanced at Mish, who was obviously not pleased with the idea, but she didn't resist. Since she was a self-proclaimed famed warrior, then surely she'd know that it wasn't every day that they'd come across free resources of this magnitude. Still, as a feeling, thinking person, the idea of staying in a place like this must've repulsed her.

Two-Rabbit stood up. "I'll go light a bonfir. Before it gets late. I'll tell the driver to join us."

Snail felt more alone when he left, for some reason. Mish was as much a support as someone to be supported. Akiha and the guards had blurred into strangers, and Cérise...

"Sorry," Akiha mumbled. "I know I'm... not... acting the way I should, I suppose. I haven't recovered from what happened earlier is all." When no one spoke, he elaborated: "Not just the teleportation, the ice... truth be told, I chose thermodynamics as my specialty. It's very easy to cool things in my homeland, so that's why I've defaulted to, so far, but that's proving to be unsustainable fast. I'm not sure what to do. Fire? But I'm not very good at fire. Just ice. The armor guy was also an ice specialist. That's why that worked. That's why that worked. And..." And then he realized he was rambling, thus clearing his throat.

No one would speak again, and so the unbearable atmosphere would remain. As the dust settled, the truth came to light: that they'd just taken down Kaz's organization. Wasn't that something to be happy about? The bounty would be enough to buy a house. It'd sustain their entire trip, and more. Mish should know this. Cérise definitely knew it. Then why weren't they saying anything? As for the guard...

Oh, no. Enough was enough.

Snail swallowed. "I'm glad it worked out," she said.

Silence.

"We—um. You guys won, right? Isn't that great?"

A nod.

"Thank you for rescuing me."

"It's nothing," Akiha said. "It's my fault this happened anyway."

"N-no, no. I was the one who stayed behind."

"I gathered you guys in the first place. It's my fault. As usual."

Snail stared at Mish until she returned the gaze. The intention was to... she didn't even know at this point. Anything. The general mood was suffocating. At this rate, it'd be impossible to run from her thoughts. Snail shrugged. Mish bit her lip.

Under any other circumstances, Snail might've gone to Cérise for help, but now the idea surfaced, she realized she didn't want to talk to him. To what end? More ice?

The next move was to look at the guard.

When they held eye contact, Snail waved.

The guard smiled, then waved back.

That alone didn't make easier to breathe, but almost. "What's your name?" She asked the guard.

"Pluie."

"Ploo," said Mish.

"No. Pluie."

"Pee."

Pluie looked distraught. If Cérise found it frustrating when they mispronounced his name, he didn't show it. Both Pluie and he had the same accent, gentle, yet firm, like waves right as they crashed on a shore. She'd have to pay close attention to see if Pluie pronounced the r's funnily, too. "Pluie," Snail said.

To which he seemed thankful. "Yes! Like that. Thank you. And you're...?"

"Snail."

"Where?"

"That's my name."

"Oh. Right. Sorry."

He did. Soggy. Sowwy? Soghy. "That's fine. This is Mish, that's Akiha, and the, um. The beastman who left is Two-Rabbit. The man standing outside is Cérise."

All the while, as she explained this to Pluie, he nodded, frowning. There was momentum now. Something. Mish joined in this time, when Snail stared at her again. "Indeed. Alas, this might not be the best first impression, but we're usually a very lively bunch. Very close."

"Oh. Okay."

"You'll see. Our leader is usually less grouchy, but today... well. You saw what happened. But! We've emerged victorious. As I knew we would, really."

"Me too," said Akiha. "And I'm not grouchy."

"See? We're an optimistic, happy bunch. You'll see. You won't regret joining our cause. Uh. Why did you join us anyway?"

Pluie shrugged.

"Excellent."

Two-Rabbit walked into the tent. "Bonfire's ready," he said. "Also food." Two-Rabbit walked out the tent.

Mish sniffed at the air. Her tail swished. Was it fluffy? Snail knew asking beastkin to touch their tails was a borderline hatecrime, but the curiosity would win eventually.

It was late.

It wasn't orange anymore, but blue.

It was dark.

It also smelled great. Snail's stomach growled, so she cleared her yawned very loudly to disguise this. "At last!" Cried Mish, after which she urged Snail to stand up, to then drag her, plus Pluie, outside. She did this not because she was hungry, but because no one else would. Oh, to be as strong and fearless.

On her way out, against her best interest, Snail glanced at Cérise, who hadn't moved at inch. He looked back, so she smiled, waving. He did neither.