I Hate Webslingers

A feminine voice came from the base of the tree. “Brave soul.” Clearly, she wasn’t talking to me, but I turned all the same. A girl with wings in place of arms was secured so well to the tree that the only movement that was surely possible was her mouth. “The knight will perish without his sword; you must take it to him.”

“You don’t look like you’re in any position to be asking for favors!”

Perhaps my words were the wrong choice since she was silent for a moment before replying.

“Climb this tree before he dies. You will be next if you do not.”

Much as I wouldn’t have minded arguing with the bird lady, she was right. I carefully pulled the sword free from the webs where it had landed and marched up to the trunk—right next to the woman.

“Any advice for killing this thing before I go?”

“It is fast and strong; you will neither outspeed nor overpower it, but in the end, it is only a spider, and you are a man.”

“Could your advice come with less riddles?”

“Go quickly; I hear him scream.” The shining knight’s strained voice shot down with enough ferocity I felt some of the pain myself.

“Bloody hell, first a fish lady, now a bird,” I muttered as I climbed, “and what am I supposed to do about a giant ass spider? Hit it with a large rolled-up newspaper? This whole place is bullshit, I swear.”

The painful cries from the knight broke me free from my self-indulgent griping, and I continued to shimmy up until the man came visible in the glow. The spider was shaking him like a dog does a chew toy. As I jumped onto a thick-looking branch, I held the shaky sword at the beast. It dropped the knight down to the ground below, rendering my whole trip up here pointless, and retreated upward with a web. “Damn coward!”

I knew time was limited, and I didn’t have much I could do, but I reached back for my bag for anything that might be useful. I recalled packing some bug spray, but what good was that going to do. Nevertheless, I pulled the can out and readied it for a spray. Some scuttering came from behind, and I turned just in time to see red eyes just before my own. I let the spray loose, and the creature roared.

I managed to slash an eye, maybe two before it retreated back to the upper tree line. I had only a moment to catch my breath before I turned to see the beast once again, but this time I was ready. The rest of the can went into its ugly face, and I drove the sword through the top of its head.

It spit at me, and webbing wrapped around my body. I continued to hold the blade tightly and was yanked over the edge with it. As we fell, the nearly dead beast continued to wrap my body, but the chest armor refused to be clung to. Then the ground came.

Can you take just one thing seriously in your life?

I opened my eyes and cried out with pain. I think something broke. I think a lot of something broke. And yet, my foe was still alive. It squirmed intact, legs enough to slide my way when it was only hanging on by a thread.

“You should run, you idiot!” I growled through clenched teeth. Doing my best to fight my own pain, I stood up and pulled the dagger free. The sword still stuck out of the spider’s head, and from where it protruded below, goo gushed out. I didn’t even have to fight; I just had to back up and wait. So I did. The beast kept coming for me, and I kept limping away in the most pathetic-looking chase scene ever imagined.

With one last sputter, the beast finally went limp. I’m not sure if I made a sigh of relief or gasped, but I made some noise and fell on my back. All around, the webs seemed to vanish, and the area was distorted. The next instant, I felt my head on something soft. A song gently wrapped around me, and I felt my pain begin to subside.

Turning, I saw the winged lady’s face looking down gently at me, only to realize—with embarrassment—I was lying in her lap.

“Rest now, hero, you have earned it.”

Much as I felt the urge to stay in that spot for eternity, I pushed up.

“My, uh, companion, have you seen him?” She sighed softly and aimed a wing to the side. The knight marched up as if on cue and looked back and forth between us. He said nothing but collected his sword. “I better get going; we are heading to a tower on the edge of the woods.”

Her feathers shivered at the mention of ‘tower,’ but I figured it was best to pretend I didn’t see that.

“Very well, but before you go, I do not wish to leave you unrewarded. Please wait a moment.”

She flapped her arm-wings and flew into a now clear treeline overhead. I looked to the shining knight and whispered, “Where did the other people go?” He said nothing and gave no indication of what he thought.

When the lady came back, she had a black shield wrapped around her waist; watching her pull it away with wings for hands was slightly amusing, but she held back any smirks and accepted the gift with grace. The shining knight helped to tie it firmly on my arm, and I looked at it in awe.

“Take it and know strength. I can show you how to use it well if you stay a little longer,” she said with big eyes.

“I really can’t. The sooner I get to my destination, the sooner I get home to my… family.”

“Oh, well then….”

“Um, nice meeting you.” I’m sure my parting phrase was awkward as I matched the knight’s step to the newly opened path in the woods. It wasn’t until we were free that he spoke up again.

“A family, eh?”

“Shut up, dude,” I muttered while rubbing my face. I came to the woods to not think about it.