"The Sooper-Dooper Final Battle"

I awaken on the shores of the River Styx. Who would've thunk it - the Underworld is various shades of gray, from the dark sand of the shore, the bluish tones of the winding river that disappears into a painted horizon that stretches upward into a light sky. Fog sifts; mist rises. Thousands of souls float upwards, towards the center of the sky, where the border with the living world is thinnest. If what Dr. Funny sez is true, then for a single night, those souls get to mingle with the living and do spooky ghost stuff and all that jazz. All of them are translucent, the contours and outlines of their bodies transparent.

Only two people are still flesh and blood. There’s me, on her way down, and there’s my mutter, on her way up.

“So he traded your soul for mine?” Mama summarizes as we sit there on the riverside, watching souls float away.

“Suppose so.”

It’s all silent, maybe with the tiniest hint of music somewhere in the breeze. Reeds rustle, the river ebbs along. It’s actually kind of peaceful, this borderland of the living and dead.

My mother, dressed in the same fur coat and pearls, but lacking the gunshot wound, sighs. “Sounds like he put you through a lot.”

“No kidding.”

“You okay?”

I scratch my head. “Well, you see, Mama, I died around two minutes ago. It’s a lot to process.”

She laughs. “C’mon. Being dead isn’t so bad once you get used to it. I heard Heaven’s real nice, and my flat in Purgatory isn’t so bad. We have a neighborhood knitting group. And you don’t need to eat, you know. No gaining weight!”

“I wanna eat chocolate.”

“Ah…no chocolate in Purgatory, unfortunately.”

“What about dressing up for Halloween?”

“Well, look above you. All the souls - not the ones on probation, mind you - get to explore the surface world on All Hallow's Eve. You’re kind of stuck exploring where you died though, and you can’t talk to anyone, so you can’t really say hi to your loved ones…but autumn’s beautiful, you know. There’s that cool breeze. You can’t feel it when you’re a ghost, I mean. But you know it’s there…”

I toss away my stupid witch hat and lay on my back. “Gee whiz, being dead sounds like the pits. I bet you can’t wait to get back up there. Good thing I’m here to take your place.”

Mama frowns. “N-No, that’s not I how feel at all! I heard if you’re a really good soul, you can earn the right to be reincarnated in a fantasy world. Imagine that. You get to be a knight, a-and there’s magic, and dozens of women of various chest sizes at your beck and call, and you get a cheat power-”

“Mama, that don’t sound particularly appealing to me.” I put my arms behind my head and gaze into the sky. “Salem Slot, now that’s the spot. I wanna go to the football games and cheer on Brad, and drink root beer floats at the malt shop with Rocket-Man, and go clothes shopping with Susan and Connie, and…hehe…go to Makeout Point with Bobby…”

My mother looks shocked. “Marie Louise, you got a boy waiting for you up there?”

I close my eyes and smile. “I got a lot of people waiting up there for me.”

I blink. I sit up straight. I even stand up.

“I gotta find a way to revive myself. Bobby and Connie are gonna die if I stay down here. There has to be a way back to the surface!”

Mama looks away. “An infinite amount of souls have felt the same way. There’s no way to return to life without an equivalent sacrifice.”

I jump into the air. The sky’s pretty far up, so it don’t work, but I try again anyway. “Well, some people tell me I just don’t know when to give up.”

I jump, and I jump, and maybe I’m grunting a little loud, and maybe I even start crying. After the last jump, I rub my eyes, and then my mother stands before me. Since when were we the same height?

“You've grown up so fast." Mama hugs me tight and smiles sadly. “You see, Mary Lou, your father may have traded your soul for mine, but I get the option to object, you know.”

My eyes widen. “Really?”

“Your father, in his quest for power, never considered that somebody would ever reject being resurrected. But I do. I’ve lived my life. You still have yours to live.”

We separate. She holds my shoulders.

“You sure?” I ask, because it’s a big thing, giving away the chance to live.

Mama nods. “Be better than us, Mary Lou.”

I wipe my eyes. And then I start to ascend, rising gently, joining the cascade of souls heading back towards the surface.

“Don’t worry, Ma!” I call down. “Dad will be joining you down here, soon enough, unless I send him somewhere even lower!”

“I’ll be waiting for him,” she says softly, her form turning translucent. “We have a lot to catch up on.”

I start swimming through the air. The souls laugh in joy as I get closer to the surface, moving through misty clouds, backstroking through jetstreams, upwards and upwards, ‘cuz Mary Lou, you wanna live, and you deserve to live, ‘cuz you’re gonna use this life of yours and make the world a better place, starting with saving your friends, and stopping your father, and being kind to strangers ‘cuz so many strangers were kind to you, and save the girls at the School, and then, and then, I don’t know, open up a public park or something, or get the people to stop littering I guess, save cats from trees, ‘cuz Mary Lou, you’re alive!

I punch the air right as I phase through the border of the underworld and the surface world. It tickles, but not as big as the tickle I give to Die Glocke when I awaken beneath it. And by tickle, I mean punch straight through the iron. It shatters into a million shards, the metal flying across the graveyard, and then I stand there, facing down my father.

For the first time, Dr. Funny stops smiling. He’s so shocked that the pipe falls from his mouth. “But…my calculations…they were perfect-”

“Calculate this!” I give him a right hook to the face. His fedora goes flying as he lands in the dirt. I smack my fist into my palm. “My mother wanted me to live more than you did, so take that for data!”

“Get him, girls!” Dr. Funny orders. But one-by-one, the girls remove their Stahlhelms, now freed from the bell’s influence. They look with uncertainty at Dr. Funny lying bruised on the ground, and me standing up fiercely, fist raised.

“What’s going on?” they cry out, unsure of who to trust.

Dr. Funny and I point at each other. 

“Little miss troublemaker over there is committing treason!”

“He's a goddamn Nazi!”

These girls, having been tortured and ordered around for so long - when faced with a new situation, they’re unable to make any decisions for themselves. Most of them stand or even sit down, blank-faced, not knowing what to do, many content with merely feeling the autumn breeze on their faces for the first time.

Dr. Funny tries to get back on his feet, but I strike him across the jaw.

“What was your plan?” I bark out. “Torture prisoners in the camps to learn the secret of life and death in the service of your Fuhrer? Then when the war’s lost, sneak away to America to continue your research?”

I kick him in the guts. “Research population docility by torturing a bunch of orphan girls, plan to resurrect your wife, and scheme to take over America with the rest of your fascists?”

When I kick him again, Dr. Funny grabs my legs and pulls them out from beneath me. I land hard and see stars.

“How succinct, daughter. You’ve inherited my analytical skills.” Dr. Funny rises and brushes himself off. “Somehow, you’ve denied me my wife. But I can still achieve everything else. If you won’t join me, and choose to disappoint me even further, then I’ll just kill you a second time.”

I stand back up, still feeling a bit woozy. “Get ready for a fierce pounding, father.”

We stare at each other. Then Dr. Funny giggles.

“Alright, phrasing, I get it!” I roar, then leap across the graveyard. Dr. Funny yanks my arm and throws me into a tombstone.

“Looks like you’re in a grave situation, daughter.”

When he lifts me up by the collar, I bite down on his fingers. He swears and drops me, so I grab his hand and twist until something snaps.

“Gotta hand it to you, father, you almost had me there.”

Dr. Funny rears back and slams his forehead into my nose. Not gonna lie - this one effing hurt. Something cracks and crimson smears across my face as I stumble away.

“Maybe you should quit while you’re ahead.” Dr. Funny taunts. When he approaches, I back up even further, only to bump into a gravestone. Everything starts spinning, and the adrenaline and pain running through me battle for dominance.

“Have a nice trip, Marie Louise. Hope you have a good fall!”

Dr. Funny cackles as he pushes me over the gravestone. As I slam into the ground, he unveils a switchblade, moonlight glinting off the metal.

Before he can use it, I gather up a clump of dirt and toss it into his eyes.

“Sorry for the dirty trick, Doctor!”

I deliver a shoulder check into his chest. He goes flying away, to the ground, his back hitting a tombstone hard. Despite being covered in dirt and blood, he can’t help but laugh and howl.

“You’re funny! You’ve inherited my humor! My daughter is Marie Louise Funny!”

“Not funny,” I correct, picking up the raygun I dropped so long ago. I aim for his face. “I’m Mary Lou Sunday.”

Single gunshot.