Garbage in Space

"I hope we're almost there. I have to ducking pee like a race horse!" Randy exclaimed, while throttling our ship full speed down the intergalactic hyperspace highway.

"Why didn't you go when we were at that asteroid rest stop?" I asked, sitting in the passenger seat beside him.

"I didn't have to go then!" He aggressively pinched his legs together.

I sighed, "let me check the space GPS." I opened up Spoogle Maps on my phone. "Says here to take the next exit. We should be there any minute now."

Going significantly over the intergalactic speed limit, he recklessly merged toward the exit, nearly clipping a space semi. The driver laid on his horn as he passed us.

We decelerated out of hyperspace as we entered the star system. The light streaks across our windshield, faded and became the black void of space, speckled by stars. Our destination was finally in view.

"...I think you got scammed, Randy."

"What makes you say that, Little bro? We haven't even landed yet."

Judging from the dirty shades of green, brown and black that the planet was colored and the literal mountains of trash bags that were piled so high that they breached the planet's atmosphere, I could already tell what kind of world this was...

I shook my head. "I knew those coordinates were no good. This is a dumpster planet!"

"Wait a sec, little bro. Let's not jump the gun. They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. For all we know there could be a gold mine down there."

Remaining optimistic, Randy began to descend our ship toward the surface of the planet. With all the smog in the air, it made it difficult to see out the windows. Planets like these were uninhabited and used by neighboring star systems to dispose of all their waste. I highly doubted we were going to find what we needed here.

Randy landed us on a relatively flat area beside a creek that's water had a greenish tinge to it that almost seemed to glow. As our vehicle came to a halt, he put on the parking break and got up from the driver's seat.

"Alright, let's get out there and figure out the lay of the land." He reached for the driver's side door handle.

"Wait, don't open that yet!" I abruptly shouted to keep him from opening the door. "I don't think the air out there is safe to breathe."

"Come on little bro, I'm gonna pee myself if I don't go soon."

"At least put on your space suit first. You don't need to catch some weird disease from the air." I pulled open a small panel on the floor of the cargo hold, revealing a secret compartment, containing a couple of space suits, which we purchased before leaving Space Chicago.

"Fine." Randy whined as he slipped into the bulky white suit and put the fish bowl like helmet over his head. In the belt around his waist, he slipped his spatula. I suited up as well and proceeded behind him to exit the ship.

As soon as we were outside, I immediately wanted to vomit from the rancid smell. Despite having a helmet on, the odor was so strong that it still penetrated through the glass. As far as the eye could see, the landscape consisted of nothing but trash bags and waste. The very ground we stood on was even garbage.

"I can't do this any more. I'm going to explode!" Randy shouted as he ran over to the polluted stream beside our ship and unzipped the pants zipper of his suit.

I turned in the opposite direction as a tinkling noise rang in my ears.

"Ahhhhhhhh." My brother sighed with relief.

He zipped his pants back up and made his way back over to me. "You got anything to drink? All that peeing was thirsty wor-."

We were interrupted by the sound of stomping and trash bags rustling. Seemingly out of nowhere, there was a group of at least ten people surrounding us. All of them wore black tunics made from garbage bags and had cardboard boxes on their heads with eye holes cut into them that almost resembled a knight's helmet. They all pointed crudely made halberds at us.

One of them stepped forward to confront us. "Halt fiends! Thou hast trespassed into the Kingdom of Trashland. What say thee?"

I put my hands up to show I was unarmed. "Woah, w-we don't want any trouble."

"What sorcery didst thou employ to make this carriage descend from the heavens?." He pointed to our ship.

Randy, seeming unphased, spoke up, "My little bro and I are travelers. We've come from a far away land in search of something."

"What shall we do with them, captain?" One of the trash people asked.

"Hmm..." The captain thought for a moment. "We shall present them before the Trash Lord. He shall determine their fate."

Against our will, the group of trash people forcefully escorted us away. I had no idea where we were going, but something told me this trip was about to turn into a whole ordeal.

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With spear tips being poked at our backs, we were paraded through a village where each and every structure was constructed from piles of trash bags. The enormous garbage palace, which was at the center, was no exception.

"Lower the drawbridge!" One of our captors shouted, as we arrived at the entrance. A trash person on the other side of the mote of green sewage, which surrounded the castle, started pulling on a raggedy looking rope on a pulley system that began to tilt a large flat rusted piece of sheet metal downward.

"Make haste!" They nudged us over the drawbridge and onward into the structure.

Inside, we were brought through to a spacious torch lit room, of which the ceilings were held up with columns constructed of aluminum trash cans. A crusty red carpet ran down the center and led to a ripped up black and red velvet recliner chair.

"Kneel before the Trash Lord!" The captain ordered us, as we were forced to our knees.

"..." Randy and I turned to each other confused. "Where is he?" I wondered.

"Art thou blind? He is right yonder."

Randy stared curiously at the throne. "Is he behind the chair or something? All I see is a potato?"

There was a gasp by everyone in the room at my brother's comment. He wasn't wrong though, there was in fact a moldy potato sitting on the throne. It was dressed up with a tiny golden crown and a red cape with a pencil sized scepter taped to it.

"Blasphemy!" The captain shouted. "My lord, what shall we do with these outsiders who have trespassed upon thy realm?"

He kneeled directly in front of the potato and turned his head as if it was telling him something. "Uh huh... Yes, my lord." He stood up and faced back toward us."Thou art fortunate that the Trash Lord is in a merry mood this day. Before he doth cast his judgment, he shall permit thee to declare thy intentions."

"Let me handle this little bro." Randy lifted his head as he began to speak. "I am Sir Randy, a hero that hails from the distant land of Space Chicago and this is my little brother, Sir Ralphy. We've traveled from afar on a quest to find vintage cooking equipment."

"And what doth this equipment thou dost seek resemble?" The captain suddenly seemed interested in what Randy was saying.

"We need a grill, which is like a table for cooking meat on and a fryer, which is like a sink of oil for frying things." Randy responded.

The captain turned back toward the potato. "My Lord, do you think he is the one?" He listened to the potato for a moment before speaking again in a solemn tone. "These apparatuses thou dost seek are most unnervingly akin to the relics that rest within the ruins of the ancient ones."

Randy shot me a smirk that essentially said, "I told you so."

The captain continued on, "Verily, the ruins be a perilous place, which has been watched over by a fierce beast that has terrorized this land for millennia. According to a prophecy handed down through the ages, a hero with locks of cyan shall descend from the heavens and vanquish the beast once and for all." He looked directly at my brother. "The Trash Lord doth believe that thou art that hero."

With his ego inflated, Randy got a gallant look on his face. "Point the way to these ruins, garbage bros. I'll slay this monster!"

The room of garbage people broke out into a cheer.

I whispered to my brother. "I don't know about this Randy. These people are kind of weird."

"These people need me, little bro. I can't turn my back on them in their time of need."

Considering they had a potato for a king, I was skeptical that anything they told us was even real. My brother on the other hand was gung-ho to help them.

"Sir Randy, please take this ancient tome that was retrieved from the ruins long ago. No soul in the kingdom is literate, but mayhaps it can aid thee in thy quest." The captain presented him with something I never thought I'd actually see in person... A book.

It was surprisingly in decent condition. It was about an inch thick and had a yellow hard cover with red text that read, "Cooking for Dumbasses".

Randy passed the book off to me. "You can hang onto this, little bro. Reading is for nerds."

That night, the Trash Lord's court prepared a grand feast with Randy as the guest of honor. The main course consisted of roasted opossum and some kind of soup made from a brown mystery liquid. I abstained from eating, while my brother removed his helmet with no regard for his health and chowed down. The next morning, we would set out on our quest.