This is a Serious Critque

“You’re insane, I’m not doing anything like that. I love my sister but that's just weird…”

I wiped the drool from the corners of my mouth.

“Let’s focus on what’s important, I shared the updated document with you, read over it and let me know what you think.”

She slouched forward and played with her laptop’s trackpad.

“Alllright—”

You can’t be all enthusiastic at the idea then once we start loathing it. At least keep those feelings inside!

While Sayuri progressively got louder in the background I fell back into a good writing-rhythm. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same about my partner.

Her first position was slouched at my bedroom’s small table, then she laid with her back on the ground and feet up on my bed. Laying on her side supporting her head with a hand, and finally a fifteen minute nap under my covers.

“Hey! Focus on your work, you’re behind me and I’m close to falling behind schedule. You know how much you’re not on track?”

“H-huh? W-wha?” She slowly sat up in my bed. “What’s up?”

“Come here.”

I scooted over and made room at the table next to me. It took her a moment but she reluctantly dragged herself over.

When she sat down, the air around me was filled with a pleasant cherry scent. It’s not like I intended to smell her; the air just became that way. If she had smelled utterly awful—which seems impossible—I would’ve noticed too.

“Why’d you need me…?” She rubbed her eyes.

“READ!”

“AH! Hey! Don’t scare me like that! I’ll read it, I’ll read it… But you have to give me a reward if I do.”

Wha— No— It’s you, you— This is your job! You signed up for this! You shouldn’t get a reward for what’s expected!

“Your reward will be not getting kicked out.”

“Hmhmhm… Don’t be silly, you couldn’t get rid of me even if you wanted to.”

Saying things like that to a nerd is dangerous for their heart, alright? Don’t say that either.

“So seriously,” She continued. “What’s my reward?”

“You’ll get dinner tonight.”

“Ack—”

Akimoto choked up—there it is, something she cares about deeply. I imagine she’d be fine sleeping on the streets, getting her heart broken, being called stupid, all if she was promised a good meal. No. If she was promised food of any kind.

“F-fine.”

***

“There! Done”

She fell back on the floor with her arms out, a muffled thud accompanying her impact.

“Well…?”

“Wells are for water.”

“Akimoto-san be serious! And that’s not even funny.”

“Well… I thought—”

Yes, here we go, finally. Some real feedback from a person with a decent alright mind for writing. Someone who isn’t afraid to be kind but honest.

I’m ready.

“I thought it was repetitive and uninspired. It’s honestly a miracle I made it through.”

***

“Oh, you’re finally awake.”

My vision gradually filled with the golden locks of Akimoto’s hair—my head rested on a pillow taken from my bed.

“W-what happened?”

“I told you some minor criticisms about your progress and your eyes started twitching. I said your name a bunch then you began foaming at the mouth, next thing I know you were out cold.”

“Seriously!?”

“Mhm.”

From how I was lying relative to how Akimoto was sitting, my perspective should’ve shown me… some stuff… However! It didn’t!

I’m glad of course.

I wouldn’t have cared even if it did because she’s still a real flesh-and-blood girl—plus Akimoto. But I couldn’t see anything because while I was out she had changed into clothes from my closet!

“What’re you wearing…”

“Impromptu pajamas.”

“You didn’t bring your own…?”

She shook her head no.

I’ll let it slide because we don’t have time to argue about this. She wore a dark-green hoodie that went almost to her knees and Sayuri’s black sweatpants.

“Kiyotaka-kun, it’s important we address your progress. Okay? We can’t go on ignore it’s lack of… quality—”

***

“Are you ready to talk now?”

“Yeah I’m good. Should be the last time I faint.”

“Just going over this most recent section you wrote.” Akimoto adjusted my glasses which sat on her nose. “Your language and dialogue still sounds a bit.. Flat? It’s not completely unnatural anymore, but it’s still stiff. You’d talk this way to someone you don’t know or an adult—not friends.”

“I haven’t been able to practice, I’m sorry.”

“Why not? What is wrong?”

“...I rather not talk about it.”

“Hm? Why not? We’re going to perform together. Is that not enough of a reason to tell me?”

“It’s not wrong, it’s just not interesting to read—not saying the story itself is uninteresting.”

“...I guess I see what you mean.”

I was avoiding her eyes the entire time, I had them glued to the lines of text she was pointing at.

“Anything else?”

“Yeah actually… I can’t quite explain it but how the story… goes? Something feels off. I wish I could say what.”

“Can you try? Even if it doesn’t make sense, I feel this is important.”

She rubbed her chin and squinted.

“It’s like… I’m not able to predict what’s going to happen in each scene, but I was fairly accurately able to predict how scenes would go and what type of scene came next.”

“So it’s predictable?”

“Mm! Yeah, precisely. But that’s not a good thing, at least to me.”

This issue sounds like something that’d take a hundred hours to remedy… It’s… part of the process though.

“Hahh~ We’ll look back at the after the first draft is done—which could potentially be this weekend.”