Falling Into Blue

Blue had clearly been off-duty. She was wearing a lilac spaghetti top under her dark blue denim jacket, paired with a matching denim skirt and brown faux leather boots. How could someone wearing such cold colours look so damn hot?

“Hey Adem…Adem…” she said, smoothing my hair. “It’s okay, you were having a bad dream. Just a dream, that’s all.”

“Where have you been?” I missed you.

She smiled. “Tonight, I was out with old friends, and I was just passing when I heard you in your sleep. If you mean before – they moved me away from next door, as they didn’t want me…over-exciting you!” She giggled at that. “No, that’s not quite the word they used. They just wanted you settled. So, they moved me back in this afternoon and didn’t tell me why. Maybe you’re struggling without me! Or maybe I was your nightmare!” I don’t see how that could ever be possible.

“My nightmare was…” I couldn’t remember.

“It’s not real, what’s real is: this.” And she squeezed my hands tighter. Bliss. Her warmth, her scent.

Blue lessened her grip, eventually withdrawing her hands altogether. We drifted into conversation. I tried to get her to say in more detail what trouble she might have been put in due to our last encounter, but she proved rather evasive. Eventually we came round to her initial recruitment.

“You talked about you being the preferred candidate for me, out of 3,000 applicants –”

“– 30,000. Plus.”

“Well, you know, add a zero. How did they match us? And about that ‘testing’ I did…”

“The data on you was from the psychometric testing you did at your school, to help students decide on future career goals. You did a lot of personality tests online for fun, and your accounts were examined. Also, your family members and friends answered various questions about you. AI inspected all this and filled in any gaps. This data was then built on by advances in psychology made during the foundation of the post-war New Societies. Your biological data inspired a lot of scientific research, which helped us all evolve!” Adem the perpetual lab rat.

She stopped, perhaps noticing my eyes clouding. As usual, I was locked onto her. I wanted to say something to make her beautiful face break out in a smile – to partly take away my own concerns – but learning about the testing was important to me. I nodded for her to go on.

“We all undergo plenty of testing these days, especially in our teens. A lot of it centres around future career possibilities, and a mix between realistic options and giving us freedom. It wasn’t quite a competition but those with strong positive feelings towards the Phoenix Project were selected, and they picked the one who they thought could still be professional and yet ‘connect’ to you. A tough balancing act, I can assure you!”

She smiled at me cheekily. But – it all sounded so contrived. I couldn’t help but feel an icy chill inside myself at hearing all of that.

Blue felt my recoil. “Maybe that sounds worse than it is! They wanted that, in communication and personality especially, the selected professional would be trustworthy and give the patient the best chance of having an early bond with them in the initial stages of reintegration – Hey! It wasn’t…you know, done with any other motives in mind, it could have been a boy, an older man, just someone who you would feel…okay with.”

I looked deep into her gorgeous tidepool blue eyes. So that incredible spark I felt was artificial? Had she felt it as well as I had?

“You look sad, Adem!” I was. Sad, deflated. Foolish. I swallowed, hard.

“But you won – I mean, were chosen.”

She smiled. “Yeah, I definitely felt like I had won! My parents all worked in medical research – my mother was once a nurse also. They were very aware of your background. Since my childhood, I’ve – it sounds strange, but I’ve been a – I can’t think of the right word…inspired by the hope of what you’ve been through. I read all the books, watched the documentaries. About how you were clinging to life so bravely. I really hoped, like so many, that one day I’d meet this special person.”

I started feeling overwhelmed. “But I’m not that special person. I just went to sleep and woke up. I just really remember hurting a lot, more than anything else.”

“Experts say that you will have had some idea subconsciously of what was happening to you over the years. You chose to fight on, I’m sure of it, and I am not the only one. You chose to fight through it all and come back to us, in this wonderful world that your survival helped inspire and create! Your survival is like our survival: “The ultimate story of hope out of ruin and despair”, they say. And.” she stopped for breath. “It’s still so hard to believe. You’re here, you’re really here in front of me. Awake and alive and starting to remember!”

This surely was utter madness. I was feeling cynical at her words, yet they were delivered with a face overflowing with compassion and appreciation. I was hoping – still hoping.

“Please go on.” I managed to sit up.

“Well, I was assigned to you when I was just 16, as it was clear my vocation was in nursing, and the testing showed it conclusively, so they allowed me to complete my studies while focusing on you for my practice. I’ve been around you in different capacities for actually two years now. I’ve seen some…incredible things. It’s amazing to think the boy, the man I read about and looked after is here talking to me right now. Holding my hands…” She took my hands again in hers, and my heart soared. “But all the times I saw you in pain, incredible pain – I wished it was me, taking your pain. Or sharing it.”

This was too much for me to cope with. I had to try to brush this off, for my own self-preservation. “I see. You’re the masochistic type, maybe that’s why we were matched!”

Blue laughed hard, as her tears started to fall. “Silly. It’s ridiculous to say, but at times, it just seemed so unfair…I kept telling myself, it’ll be worth it, he will make it through. His suffering hasn’t been for nothing! Then, you awoke and I…” She bored holes with blue lasers deep into my eyes.

I had to know. “When you first saw me…”

“I felt – but when you first looked at me with your eyes finally open, I felt…”

“What did you feel?”

“…I don’t know, I – ” Everything told me otherwise.

“– I do.” I pulled her in. I kissed Blue.

Instincts took over. She immediately matched me with everything she had, pulling me in also, her hands in my hair as mine were in hers. We were lost, lost and found in those delicately powerful moments of desire, touch, connection. Beautiful Blue I sink into, and I never want to emerge.

I felt her shudder, but I wouldn’t, couldn’t let up. I’d show her, share everything I had, everything I was inside. And I felt her, completely. We mixed and created something between us that was us but much more.

We pulled away a little, both smiling happily. She giggled, and then came at me again: empowered, secure in the knowledge that this was Real. Blue wrapped herself around me, and we really, really kissed.

I never wanted it to stop. It did though, and our kisses became loving pecks, and we looked deeply into each other’s eyes, fully connected, like our hearts were.

Blue broke the beautiful silence. “I…I never kissed anyone before…”

“Wow. Well, you were great – actually no, you need more practice.”

“Do I?”

“Yep! Much more practice. Now. With me.”

She giggled and gave me a big smooch.

“I bet that wasn’t your first kiss, hotshot.”

“Jeezzz – well, I don’t know! So, I’m going to presume it was my first kiss at the age of 111.”

Her brow furrowed guiltily, and I stroked her cheek, interrupting her thoughts. “Blue, whatever you were going to ask: don’t. Too many ifs, buts and conditions with all of you. I wanted to kiss you. Simple as that. And you wanted to kiss me?”

“Yes – but for the right reasons?”

“And who decides what’s right or wrong? Who really knows apart from us?”

“Psychology might –”

“– Enough of that stuff, for now. Enough. What do YOU think? What do you want?”

“You!”

Oh my God, oh my everything, I just melted inside. I pulled that beautiful girl close to me, kissed her with redoubled everything in me…just because, then held her as tightly as I could. Just because. Because I needed to, more than anything else I'd ever need in the Bright Shiny New World.

You don’t need reasons why, when you just know.