Je ne Regrette Rien

Blue stayed with me all that night, lying close to me, on top of the thin bedsheets. I couldn’t stop stroking her silky blue hair, loving her sweet vanilla smell. We did a lot of cuddling and kissing, occasionally punctuated by outbreaks of hushed chatter, but everything was always accompanied with us staring deeply into each other’s eyes. Always mesmerised by her eyes. It all felt so right.

She wanted to know what I had been crying about lately, as she said she had heard from the guards that I was doing so quite often, and it hurt her very much that she had been forbidden to come and comfort me. I went into detail about what I could recall about my family and Dublin, which was still not amounting to very much, like random jigsaw pieces that had fallen out of the box. And we were picking them up together, picking me up from the floor, in the dark. From what she had studied about me, she knew a lot of my past already in general terms, but not the silly and banal details which often tell you more about someone and make them so endearing and vital to yourself. I wanted Blue to feel that way about me.

What I didn’t really pick up on then was how she was so good at avoiding talking about herself, especially when it came to work. When I tried to pin her down on anything connected with her temporary disappearance from my brief new life, she would refocus on me, or simply say “I will tell you more in time”. I gave Blue the benefit of any doubt, back then. Beyond words, the way she was so open with me commanded my total trust in her.

As the early hours of the morning raced by, I realised that: I had forgotten that the security camera in the corner of the room was still on. Aww nuts. Bit late for that now. I gestured towards it, reminding Blue. She nodded solemnly. “Oh, I knew, don’t worry.” She pressed the button for the communication microphone on the console, and spoke loudly, with resignation: “I’ve no regrets. I chose to do what I did, with full knowledge, and I accept the consequences of my actions. Whatever happens, happens. Lock me up. With this guy.”

I spoke up, next, in defence. “I have nothing to apologise for. If I could turn back time, I would have kissed Blue sooner. My only hope is that it won’t affect her career. Don’t blame her! Leave her be – judge me as you will, do as you will – there’s very little left to take from me.”

I said that then, not realising just exactly how little that was.

Blue collected up the plushies and started playfully lobbing them at the camera. “‘Tis treason, young lady!” I ventured. “I’m pretty much doomed. Might as well have a laugh,” she giggled. So, I threw a couple, too, out of solidarity. But not the tiger plushie. I held it in my hands, admiring it.

She took it and gave it a kiss, then returned it to me. “Of course, I know tigers are your favourite. I made sure to have plenty of tigers and cats in the room!”

“Including a blue-haired one who’s absolutely rawwrsome!”

“No, that is not I, but you can be my tiger.”

We shared another heart-stopping snog, and returned to kissing, cuddling, and the rest. She moulded just perfectly around me, not like an accessory, but like a long-lost piece of me being reclaimed and reconnected.

I felt…complete. And – most importantly – not alone.

I felt loved.

So selfish.

***

I noticed it had gone six on the lcd clock. Can’t time just stop forever? I knew the routine: a guard or someone might come soon. Bobbi had promised a nurse would show, I vaguely recalled. I smoothed Blue's now tousled azure hair straighter as we shared a sweet loving goodbye kiss, with our passion now tempered with connected familiarity. I eyed her with concern, and with the beginnings of withdrawal symptoms – she seemed to feel exactly what I felt.

“Hey, tiger. This isn’t the end. I promise you that.”

I nodded. “It’ll all work out,” I said, with as much conviction as I could muster.

She blew me a kiss, turned and went to open the door –

– as Bobbi McSorley opened it first and strode in.

Blue froze on the spot. “Carry on, Miss Zetterström,” Bobbi ordered in a particularly stern voice, yet – did she wink at her?

Blue shot past her and out.

Bobbi pulled up a chair with the back facing me, straddling it like an interrogation was going to begin. She studied me with a wry smile.

“Oh boy! What am I going to do with you, Ademski?”

Being called that brings back memories…

“Hey! Focus!”

“Ohh, um, okay.” I stared through her, not giving anything away.

“Cat got your tongue?”

Confidence came. “Girl got my tongue. Oh, no.” I stuck it out at her. “Look, I found it again.”

“Belligerent, aren’t we?” I couldn’t argue. I had quite an extensive vocabulary, but I didn’t know what that word meant, so I really couldn’t. But it deserved a response!

“…I guess we are all entitled to our opinions,” I said flatly, turning away, like a cat that had already become sick of playing.

“Hmmm. You’re a riot, a complete riot.”

“For the record: When’s the last complete riot you ever saw? Did you try to disarm them with Fisher’s psychobabble? Paralyse them through crushing analysis of the human psyche?”

“Ouch and Meow. I’ll give you some of my own psychobabble. You feel an attack is coming, based upon your past experiences, so you’re starting to attack first. Using humour to barely conceal it.”

“Well, isn’t it? I’m presuming you watched the feed. Probably pegged us as exhibitionists.”

“Stop.”

“I hope you were entertained and suitably stocked with popcorn for the event. I’ve no idea what passes for entertainment these days. How were our vital stats scoring? Hit those high numbers for you, so you can keep your lab rat in here?” I could barely contain my anger. Don’t take my Blue from me!

I said nothing and she said nothing, for what seemed like an uncomfortable eternity.