Pound-Shop Jesus

“Adem. Do you want me to stay and talk to you, as someone who has come to support you, or do you want me to leave? I haven’t come here for you to take your anger out on me. I’m not the best person for that. I can be spikier than most. Perhaps that’s why we have got on – so far.”

I paused and took calming breaths.

“What about supporting her?”

“We can discuss that. Especially if you make good choices, like you’re starting to. I’m so pleased you’re doing the breathing exercises whenever necessary.”

“Thanks. I’m glad it’s you here and not Dr Fisher.”

“Yes, he’s going to be very angry, but not for the reasons you think. I’ve worked with him ten years straight, and I know him well.” She gestured to the ring on her finger. “Very well.”

A…wedding ring? So, people actually still married. I looked directly at her – her face really lit up when she smiled, like she was doing then.

“There’s a bit of an age gap between us, but – when you know, you know.”

“How long before –”

“– Oh, I was about 25 before I started dating him, and we married last year.”

“So you had feelings for him for years and years?”

“Yep. That was tough. But that’s the way it was. I think he had more than an idea that I was into him. But he was concerned for me, he didn’t want it just to be –”

“– An infatuation?”

“HOW did you? Oh. Right. I see – hahaha. So, he’s spoken to you about your umm...romantic situation.”

“Yep, but it wasn’t an infatuation for you with him.”

“No, of course not.”

“So it wasn’t infatuation with him, and it wasn’t with you, yet you left it so long to date.”

“Yesss…but I was his subordinate, we wanted to set a good example for work culture –”

“– Excuses.”

“What?” She looked completely stunned by my blunt response. I wondered where it had come from, myself.

“Excuses. If you knew and he knew, you should have just –”

“– Did what you did and got stuck in? Wow. That’s a very simplistic, childish view.”

“Let’s agree to disagree. I mean, doesn’t your ‘psychology’ encourage clear communication? You could have dated before then; it didn’t mean you had to commit so early! And you said, when you know, you know. Isn’t that a bit hypocritical?”

“I…well…that’s how it happened. And love is still a complicated thing in 2118, and people don’t want to get hurt, and be misunderstood. Or misunderstand. It can feel like there’s a lot at stake. Especially if you’re with someone professionally, too.”

Professionally…

“I get it. I’m not you and I don’t know how it was for you. That’s why giving advice to anyone sucks, right, as no one can really get behind another’s eyes?”

“Go on,” she said tentatively, wondering where I was (rather clumsily) going.

“Being hurt, to me, is being stuck in a capsule sicking up plasticky parts. Or experiencing head-splitting agony when you try to recall your own mother’s face. Having someone you care about say no – sorry, I’ll take that pain any day now. Damn, I’m glad of the chance to expose myself to the chance of feeling that pain.”

She looked at me, open-mouthed.

“I – never saw it that way. You know what you just did? You just reframed the whole start of my relationship.”

“Reframed? I don’t know what that is. But hey, I agree with you from earlier, when you know you know. Unless you choose to work hard to constantly talk yourself out of knowing!”

“I did that – all the time.” She coughed, regaining composure. “I’m not here to talk about me…”

“A shame. I’m sick and tired of talking about me. I’m in this Bright Shiny New World as you call it, and yet, I’m here looking at the walls all the time, trying to rediscover who I am without having a meltdown. Admittedly the recent visits have helped a lot. But not enough.”

“It sounds like you’re ready for more, I do agree. We’re just being patient. We just wanted to be careful.”

“And we’re back to Blue again.”

“You!” She playfully banged her head on my chest. I wasn't going to be put off.

“Do you think it’s just infatuation? She must have told you her side of things.”

“After…listening to what she’s had to say, openly discussing her feelings and early relationship with you, her facing how that connects with her as a person and her values, and about what she truly wants…and taking that into context with the strength of her feelings, which she has had analysed and tracked over the past two years…No. I don’t want to tell you too much behind her back. I don’t think that’s fair. That’s for her to do.”

She paused thoughtfully. “What I can say is: No, I don’t think it’s simply infatuation from what I have seen, although there’s definitely more of that from her side, because you’ve been her focus for a very long time now. You kind of rose from the dead, which she was really hoping for. Like we all were. Only one person has ever pulled that trick off before. Allegedly.”

“Ok. So I’m a pound-shop Jesus. And what’s there more of from my side?”

“Need. You’re all alone in a strange land, in pain – a stranger in your own mind and body as well.”

She had me there. I did need her. I went silent.

“Is that so wrong?”

“By itself, maybe yes. Her infatuation and your need shaped your connection.”

I didn’t entirely agree – there was more to it than that. There just had to be! I was going to lay it all out there.

“I thought she…was beautiful. So caring. She knew just what to do –”

“– Mummy issues, much?”

I was angered. “Do you guys have a smart-arsed retort for everything?” Projection.

“Welcome to the weird and wonderful world of Psychology. Probably, is the answer to that. I’m sorry. That was uncalled for, and unfair. That was my spikiness at work.” She looked into my eyes, and I felt her apology deep down.

I relaxed back down onto the bed. “Latent mummy issues aside – ha – I think she’s kind, caring, gorgeous, fun, clever, talented, brave, and inspiring. I could listen to her all day, talk to her all day and I can be what I think is me with her.” She's perfectly adorable. “You see, talking to you – well, you become a bit of a sounding board for me, and I just see what’s more and more obvious.”

“That was quite…a long list of impressive qualities you recognise in her. And you weren't shy at all in coming out with any of that?”

“What have I got to lose? Tell me I’m wrong. Aha – you can’t! And she’s a little keen on me, if I dare say so.”

Bobbi smiled the biggest smile ever. “That’s an understatement, for sure, but as I said, I can’t really say too much to that. I’m not feeding your ego!”

“I think you’ve said enough anyway.”

“You certainly did on camera last night, when you switched it on. Yeah, I listened to you deliver your soliloquies into the camera, before you started pelting it with teddies.”

“But she started pelting it first…” At that moment, I must have sounded like a naughty child deflecting blame, but that wasn’t my intention.

“Yes. Yes, she did. And that was very interesting, indeed.” She smiled indulgently. “And no, I’m not telling you for what reasons.”

“Okay. So what’s going to happen today?”

“I expect her to stick up for you later on, as she always does, when she makes her report, after all those lovely endorphins kicking around her body settle down. And she will make a very detailed report – to me and not my darling hubby. Dr Fisher doesn’t have to know. This time.”

I felt relief.

“But the way things are going, regardless of what I might or might not do…Belinda Blue Zetterström is a very determined young lady, and based on her recent choices, I’m starting to think that her career here as a nursing specialist is going to be very short-lived indeed. We shall see. It would be a great loss for us. But life goes on.”

I gave her a look. She smiled.

“Don’t be that way. Anyway, I’m going to say something to you that if Miss Blue and Dr Fisher heard, it would probably make them jealous. You’re clearly mentally ready now, so…” She leaned in, conspiratorially. “Let’s blow this joint, together.”

I didn’t notice that the camera microphone light was on.