Dear Diary

Dear Diary, I woke up today feeling a bit tired. It was another glorious day at Hills Wellness Clinic Centre, where we had the wellness of a gas station burrito, just kidding. It's been about one year since I landed this job, and I have to admit, it's not half bad. My mother asked me to keep a diary and write everything that happened in my life. She read that it would help me be less stressed, never mind I'm the one with a PhD but whatever.  This morning has been a disaster, I arrived 30 minutes late because my car was impounded yesterday. I'll tell you later. I have a client waiting for me.

" I'm telling you doc, something is going on. Every damn day those freaks come to my lawn and take my nuts."

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked my patient.

" Who else? Those damn squirrels. What we spoke about last week."

This is Bob. He has been coming to see me for about two weeks now. Something about squirrels in his backyard stealing his cashew nuts. Who even grows cashew nuts? He was brought in by his wife who seemed concerned, and I see why. He's crazy. But as a professional, I should probably not say that.

"Okay Bob, like I told you last week, they're just animals. There's no conspiracy against your nuts and no one wants to steal them. It's just nature the circle of life and all."

"I don' know doc, those monsters are evil, I can't eat, can't sleep and one of them came to my dreams and told me they gon' lay eggs in my mouth. In my mouth doc!"

"Okay Bob, calm down. Breathe in, and out. In and out, good Bob." "If I may Bob, can I ask you a question?" Bob nods.

"What do you feel when you see the squirrels? Do they scare you or do you not like them stealing your nuts?" 

"I don' know doc, I feel like they wanna hurt or something. I see them and I freeze, my wife says I don' sleep good no more. I just want it to stop."

"Okay, Bob. Do you know what Sciurophobia is?" 

"No is it some Chinese food or something?"

 " No Bob. It is what is commonly referred to as the fear of squirrels." 

"That's not a thing doc' come on." 

"But it is Bob. A lot of people don't know this but it affects 250,000 Americans." 

"Are you sure doc."

 "Yes Bob I'm sure, " I said smiling.

"It is a real problem and it is nothing to be ashamed of, okay." 

"If you say so doc'. So you think I'm not crazy doc"

"You Bob, my friend are a normal person with a real psychological problem."

Right then an alarm beeps.

"It seems we have finished our session today. Let's meet again next week and we'll go through ways to help you overcome your problems." 

"Thanks, doc' see you next week." 

"And say hi to your wife for me, Bob."

I have a few moments before my next client comes in. I slipped in to get my coffee from the shop opposite the clinic and came back in. It's 11:02 AM. Diane came in for her bi-weekly sob session about her boyfriend Todd. Diane is an interesting person. The two of them have been having relationship problems and just last week, she caught her cheating on her. With another guy. However, here's the kicker. Instead of breaking up, she decided they should go to therapy. As if I can turn a guy straight! I see both of them and then each separately every week. Todd is actually a cool guy. We usually just talk about football, and not American football, the real football that is played with feet. The World Cup one. I think Diane should just accept that Todd is into dudes and just move on but I don't know how to break it to her. Someone, please help me

1:15 PM It's lunchtime and I usually go to this amazing restaurant downtown but I don't have my car today. So I packed my sandwich today, one side harm and bacon and mayonnaise. Delicious!

2:40 Pm Session with Karen. Yes, a literal Karen, and her name is Karen. What are the odds? She came to therapy to process the trauma of being called a Karen. She spent 45 minutes explaining how she's not like those other Karens. Spoiler: SHE IS.

3:30 PM Had an emotional moment with Joe. He has been feeling guilty since the accident that killed his wife and broke his spinal cord. He was driving when their car collided with a truck. He finally started the process of healing. He said his son drew him a picture of their family and he cried. The three of them holding hands. Of course, there is a long way to go but I'm happy to see him full of life again.

It's finally 5:00 PM and I get to clock out but not before I see her. Cue Taylor Swift songs, not the break-up ones. Serena. A few weeks ago my life found purpose again. Our understaffed clinic finally hired an angel to help with the work. Man Serena is a beauty. Imagine the most beautiful sunset and then forget it because it does not come close to matching her beauty. I went to her office but she was not there. Did I tell you that she came to my office to borrow a pen and I could see down her brassier and she bent down?  Anyway, I better get home. Oh right, my car.

My car was impounded by police yesterday because the driver was found driving under the influence. Can you guess who the driver was? If you guessed my sister you are correct! And she didn't even call me immediately because she thought, get this, that she could seduce the cops and take the car home. So not only was she arrested for DUI but for trying to bribe a police officer, what the HYUK is that? Anyway, I took a left turn from the clinic to go to a Chinese restaurant down the block and get takeout. I swear they have the Kung pao chicken and their fried rice? Makes me want to dance. I put headphones in and started trekking back slowly towards my apartment. "I SAID MAYYYBEE YOU GONNA BE THE ONE THAT SAVES ME...AFTER ALL... YOU'RE MY WONDERWAAAALLL." Man, I love that song.

"Hey Maxxy boy. Ho was your day?" someone asked tapping me on my shoulder. "Get it HO was your day instead of how. Hahaha"

That was Gary, my fourth-floor neighbour, We live next to each other and I HATE him. Also, I hate it when he calls me Maxxy. Sounds annoying when he says it.

"Ha ha nice one Gary. "

 "Okay have a good one and say hi to your sis for me Maxxy." 

"Great I'll do that."

That was sarcasm by the way. I don't know how to write sarcasm.

"Hey idiot what took you so long?" Asked my sister. 

"I don't know there was a long traffic today" 

"Ha ha, bring on the food smartass."

My sister Daphne has always been peculiar to me. She would protect me from bullies and then kick my ass a second later. But at times she was also nurturing and sweet. I used to think that she was being controlled by aliens, that switched her gears at different times. By the way, we live together in my one-bedroom apartment. We alternate between the couch and bed based on the day. I get the bed from Mondays to Fridays and she gets it on weekends. I know it may seem unfair but I'm the one working while she just sits on the couch all day. And it was her idea anyway, so...

"Daffy, why aren't the plates washed from yesterday?"

 "I was busy today, Maxxy." 

"Doing what?" 

"stuff Maxxy, okay... stuff. You always shower first anyway, I'll wash them by the time you are done."

I give up at this point. I feel my stomach growl and I know it's time to lock in. Straight to the bathroom, that sandwich is trying to kill me now. Phewks that's a relief but I look at where the toilet roll is and I see NOTHING.

"Daffy! Daffy! Where the hell is the toilet paper?" I called out to no avail. "Daffy! Daff.."

 "WHAT!? HUH WHAT?" 

"I was asking where the toilet paper is." Sometimes Daphne can be a little scary. 

"I finished the last roll today, I forgot to tell you."

"Take some money from the jar and go buy me a new one." 

"What's the magic word Maxxy." 

"Pleaase." I say deafetedly.

It took her thirty minutes, thirty minutes! to come back with a roll of tissue paper. It's like where was she buying this roll from, Hong Kong?  Apparently, she met a 'cute' guy downstairs who gave her his number, Oh 'he looks like a young version of Brad Pitt she says.' Sometimes I wonder how it feels to be an only child.

I came from the shower and found the food warm and ready for my belly. After that escaped to the toilet I could use some food.

"Did you watch without me?" I asked her. 

"Just the intros but I paused it waiting for you shithead."

There is this anime that my sister and I watch daily, it's about a teenage vampire who falls in love with a humanoid robot. Hang on just let me explain. It's about this heartwarming story.... actually, it's just as it sounds. I never expected to love it either but it has a hold on me and it has been airing since we were 10-year-olds so it must be doing something right. And finally, after fourteen long years, the two of them get married but drama ensues, it is far from over. There was this time when the robot kissed a rivaling vampire... the action scenes came out of left field. I swear they cooked that episode, almost like a Jujutsu Kaisen season 2 episode but the animators got to go home. That was all for today, bye I guess. I don't what to do after finishing writing a diary. Should I sign? Why am I asking a diary for? Next time I'll do better.