Unmasked

Blue deactivated her holomask. She sat uneasily on the bench opposite me. Yet...was she suppressing the faint hint of a smile?

I tried not to look at her too directly.

“Believe me, this wasn’t my idea.” Her blushing face certainly confirmed that to me.

“Bobbi’s, I presume.”

“Right!”

I sighed as she carried on.

“I thought you’d rumble me. She chose the look. You like the pink hair?”

“Yeah. But on someone else.”

“Oh…” She didn’t know how to take that. “So. Here we are –”

“– Because of lies.”

“Maybe. You really hate lies, don’t you.”

“Yeah…” and that’s why I hate myself. “In this ‘utopia’, you’d think there’d be no need for it.”

“Normally, there wouldn’t be. But, as perfect as we’re making this world, people still have a little way to go.”

“And me, the most.” I looked away.

“Well, let’s stop the lies now,” she said. “Between us, okay? You left the facility. I’m off duty. I don’t have to protect you anymore.” Her eyes suggested differently.

“It’s in your nature. It’s a part of you –”

“– What other parts of me do you know?”

“I…” I know what matters.

“It’s not as important as…you actually wanting to know about me.”

I said nothing.

“Do you?”

“What?”

“Answer the question. You want truth so much, try speaking it!” Tidal waves crashed behind her eyes. “I may be female, but mindreading is not one of my skills.”

“Noted.” I didn’t like this conversation. I felt cornered. 

“So – ask!”

“What?”

“Ask about me. Ask about – the morons!”

“Morons?” I looked away, confused.

Blue sighed and got up. She came round the table and pressed into me.

“You know. And. Haven’t you noticed that I didn’t ask you to take off your holomask?”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Because.”

She suddenly was kissing me deeply, and I didn’t have time to think to stop myself. It was…as awesome as before. I pulled away.

“You’ve always got that weapon up your sleeve,” I said.

She laughed. “I missed you, you know.”

“I know.” I can’t believe I said that, but I did.

“I know you know. And I know you want to be with me.  How arrogant and conceited we sound right now! But this is the truth you wanted, right?”

“Yeah.” I nodded, swallowing hard afterwards.

Blue stared into me, deeper than ever. “I want to be with you. I want –”

I looked away.

“Adem: Truth. Tell the truth. Go.”

“…We can’t. I’m sorry, but we can’t.”

“Can’t?”

“It’s definitely not you, it’s me.”

“Please elaborate.”

I’m not worthy of you.

“Say what you just thought.”

“I – I’m not worthy of you.”

Tears started trickling down her face.

“Be-because?”

I don’t know who I am. I’m lost. I haven’t done anything at all to deserve you.

“Speak, please!”

“I don’t know who I am. I’m lost. I haven’t done anything at all to deserve you.”

“Can't I be the judge of your worthiness?”

“You read something about me from nearly 100 years ago. I’m not that person now. I don’t know.”

“I do.” She moved in for another kiss.

I pulled back. “Look, it’s a great compliment, you stealing my lines and all…”

She couldn’t help but laugh at that, even though she really was crying now. I carried on, regardless.

“…But how can I be with you, or anyone like…the way I am?”

“So, you’re going to push everyone away, and try to fix yourself all alone. Again. Well, it didn’t look like you were fixing yourself, to me. More like self-flagellation.”

“I hate how fake I am. This is as close to how I look as I can get, and I still am so fake.”

“No. I’ve got your old photos, and you look better than that. But I don’t really care.”

That made my insides bubble. Blue went on.

“I know things are odd for you, but why can’t we find the ‘real you’ out together?”

But what if you don’t like the ‘real me’?

“Sorry, you were going to say something?”

“I…nothing.” I started taking deep breaths again. Try as I might, this girl kept getting under my skin. Well, my not-my skin.

She stared right into me.

“Do you love me?”

Cornered. I replied instantly. Instinctively.

“Yes.”

“And you want to be with me?”

“Yes.”

“So –”

“– I told you. We can’t.” I’m an abomination.

Her tears were free-flowing now. “What can I –”

“– I’m absolutely no good for you. I don’t want to see the disappointment in your face if you’re around long enough to find that out.” I knew that would crush me beyond all salvation.

Seven billion died, seven billion much more deserving of life than me.

“You’re just really scared. Adem, I lo-”

“– Don’t say the words. You don’t know me. No one alive does.”

I didn’t hear Blue softly add “yet” to the end of what I said.

I got up and went to the bar. Motion, keep in motion. Keep out emotion.

***

Thanks to Daniel’s groundwork, Kevin the bartender knew enough to get quite pally with me and share another pet interest of his – archery. I said I had never tried it, and without hesitation, he said I should accompany him to a range some time. Great people are everywhere in this world. I wished I was more like him.

I went to a quiet corner, changed my persona and clothing selected on my hologear, and started mingling again. The bar was becoming even more cheery as the place was filling up and the poppy tones were growing in volume. This is precisely what I needed.

Even though I looked differently than before, I kept introducing myself as Jack from out of town, keeping up my cover story as a Historical researcher who was suffering from amnesia. I would quickly move the topic back on to whoever I was talking with – usually asking about their work. People were evaluated around the age of sixteen based upon a long list of tested criteria, I discovered, and were then usually given up to six ranked options. They then selected one of those occupations and after two more years of training and education were eventually assigned about 25 hours a week employment. Work was compulsory in most cases, but very pleasant overall. No one talked to me about stress – not once. And no one looked even remotely burdened.

My ears pricked up when I heard about the more difficult jobs. Someone talked about the ‘Scavengers’ going to remote parts of the world to complete dangerous missions. I asked what sort of evaluation metrics someone doing that job would need for assignment, and I was told “a high score for a death wish!” and “a born sense of adventure”. Fascinating.

It was a little after nine, and I’d lost count of the amount of people I had talked to. I felt happy despite the situation with Blue. It was for the best.

I went back to the bar. At the other end Daniel, Bobbi and Blue had changed back into their normal forms. Blue looked utterly forlorn, and Bobbi was hugging her. Daniel looked deep in thought. Bobbi then looked over at me, stared a hole through me and shook her head. How did she know?

I moved away as casually as I could, forgetting about my drink. A little while later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bobbi, with her trademark wry smile employed, tauter than ever.

“I’m sorry, do I know you?” I aped the friendliness of the people I had been chatting to that evening.

“Can it. I saw the way you looked at Blue. Only Adem could ever look at her that way.”

I unloaded a diatribe. “Oh, isn’t it the back-seat driver. I never thanked you for your letter earlier. And I hate my regenerated guts, too. Now – excuse me but you’ve caused enough harm, so can you go away and mind your own damn business?”

“Blue – what did you say to her?”

“You brought her here, what did you think would happen?”

“You’d talk it out.”

“We did. Now leave me alone.”

“Hypocritical coward!”

I shrugged. “And so what if I am?”

I walked off towards the stage area, which was becoming more and more crowded. A band was setting up. There was a guy taking…an electric guitar out of a case. Guitar music in 2118! I thought they said it was dead.

I realised something, with a sinking feeling: I hadn’t thanked Blue for getting me my dad’s guitar back.

The guitar guy put on some crazy-looking glove, plugged the jet-black instrument in, and switched on the amp with a mighty thump that hit our eardrums hard, sending the crowd reeling. But right around me, lightning crackled and fizzed, all around my head and body.

Electromagnetic feedback! My holomask went off, my chameleonwear reverted to neutral white plastic.

I was Adem again – my disguise was blown. Everyone was staring right at me, open-mouthed.

Trouble – big time.