"Guess Who'

Dear Diary,

Today was a slow day, apart from Karen. Of course, she came in with her usual flair, delivering a full-on PowerPoint presentation about her personal growth. She saw a coworker wearing the same shirt twice in one week and didn’t say anything—groundbreaking stuff. I want my patients to grow, but do I need to cheer for that? It’s like congratulating a giraffe for being good at reaching high branches. Or a tall person who is good at basketball, it’s like what else was Shaquille O’Neal gonna do with his life? Become a rapper? Still, I gave her a pat on the back—progress is progress, I guess and she might be a bit pleasant to work with now. You’re welcome, people.

The day trudged along uneventfully until my phone buzzed.

Group Chat:
Stephen: Bar. Tonight. Who’s in?
Susan: I’m definitely in.
Barney: If you’re buying.
Stephen: We work in the same office, dude. Buy your own.

It wasn’t my scene. Not tonight. Maybe if Serena was going, I’d consider it.

A minute later, Stephen barged into my office. “Yo, why aren’t you RSVPing?”
“I didn’t see it.”

He smirked. “You literally read it. Don’t lie to me. So, are you in or what? I hear the college crowd’s out tonight.”

That was Stephen not the other Steve from high school, that’s why I changed the spelling I swear it’s the most overused name ever, you’ll meet Steve, stevens, Steph, Stephen, and the worst one Stevie, literally the same name spelled a thousand different ways.

Stephen was my so-called best friend from work, yes I do have one, we met in college when he cheated on me with my girlfriend while we were still dating! We were not on a BREAK, no matter what he or she said. We somehow got over it, hoes before bros and all that.

“Is everyone going?” I asked casually.

“If you’re asking about Serena, then yes. And FYI, Susan looks incredible today.” He gave me a ridiculous eyebrow wiggle.

“Fine. I’ll go.”

“Oh, and I invited Daphne,” he added, walking out.
I blinked. “Daphne? Why?”

“it was becoming a bit of a sausage fest so I thought I’d even the odds.”

By 8 PM, we were crammed into The Tipsy Shrimp. It smelled like spilled beer and heartbreak—a perfect ambiance for poor decisions. The crowd? Nonexistent. Just two older women at the bar who gave Jennifer Lopez vibes. Something to think about.
Daphne had claimed a corner booth, already nursing a margarita like it owed her money. Stephen was at the counter, putting the moves on the bartender in that obliviously overconfident way only he could pull off.

“Max, over here!” Daphne waved me over. “Guess what?”
“What?”

“I convinced the bartender to name a cocktail after me.”
“Let me guess. It’s got tequila in it.”

“And absinthe!” she said with a grin.
“Of course it does. How’s your job, by the way?”

She waved it off. “It’s great. But let’s talk about you. How’s the therapy biz?”
“Draining. I had a client today who—”

“Boring,” she interrupted. “You’re officially off duty. Drink this.” She shoved a neon-pink concoction toward me.

“What’s this?”

“‘The Daphne.’ You’re welcome.”

Stephen swaggered back to the table, looking like he’d just won the lottery.

“ What’s got you so happy?” Daphne asked.
“I think I’ve got a shot with the bartender,” Stephen declared

Daphne cackled. “Honey, no. Let’s just say…you don’t have the particular equipment she is used to handling.”

Stephen’s face froze in confusion while Daphne and I burst out laughing.
Before long, the rest of the gang arrived: Susan, looking sharp; Barney, the boss’s obnoxious son; Darren, our HR guy who’s basically there to fill a quota; and of course, Serena—she dyed her red, awesome and she brought…DAVE.

This was a work event, I mean work ….um., date, I mean… HE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE ALRIGHT. With his stupid leather jacket, he must think he’s a movie actor or something. What kind of name is DAVE? Everything about this guy screams DOUCHE.

“what’s up, everyone? I’m Dave.” DAVE said.

Even his voice is annoying, ‘What’s up everyone’, who even says that anymore? Douchy guys, that’s who. I would not be annoyed if she was dating Michael B Jordan or Chris Evans, you know, at least they are good-looking. Those names just popped into my head, by the way, casually I could have named anyone…I swear, it was a spur-of-the-moment thing. Anyway, if she was gonna give some poor loser a chance, it should be me, not DAVE.  Maybe, he could just be his second cousin or something.

“Hello guys, this is my boyfriend…”

FUCK!

The night was kinda fun, we drank a bit, a bit of job talk, here and there, DAVE tried to tell a really unfunny, most boring story ever, and he got sympathy laughs from everyone as they fell to the floor with laughter. I'm a therapist, I know a fake laugh when I hear one. After drinks, we tried darts. Barney hit the wall, Daphne aimed at the ceiling, and I almost blinded the bartender.

“Max!” Stephen yelled, slinging an arm around me. “You’re awful at this.”
“Thanks, Stephen.”

“Hey,” he said, swaying slightly. “You know what you need? Karaoke.”

“Oh no,” I said, shaking my head. “Absolutely not.”

But Stephen was already dragging me toward the stage.
The karaoke machine was older than any of us, and the song selection was aggressively 80s. Stephen picked Eye of the Tiger.

“We’re doing a duet,” he announced.
“No, we’re not.”
“Yes, we are!”

The opening chords blared, and before I knew it, I was singing backup while Stephen punched the air like he was training for a Rocky montage. I'm not gonna lie, that song slaps, …EYE OF THE TIGEEEEEEEEER. Cue guitar rift.

Back at the table, Daphne was laughing so hard she spilled her drink. “You guys are terrible,” she said, wiping her eyes.
“Thank you,” I said, bowing.

DAVE raised his glass. “To Max, the worst karaoke singer in history!”
“To Max!” the table chorused.

Stupid DAVE, I wasn’t that bad. Seriously why was he even here?

The night ended with Steve challenging me to pool, which I predictably lost, and Daphne trying to teach the bartender how to make a flaming cocktail without setting anything on fire.

By the time I got home, I was exhausted but oddly content.

Signing off,

Max Harvey, Why did she choose DAVE? DAVE??