Cannibal Vegans in Space

"I think it's just over there. Make sure you don't drop any of those burgers, little bro." Randy led the way through the dense humid jungle. It was dusk now and he illuminated the way with a flashlight. He chopped back foliage using his spatula as a makeshift machete.

"I want to go home." I complained, as I tailed behind him, stuck carrying the back breaking burlap sack of burgers that was twice the size of me. I was covered in welts from the grape-sized mosquitoes that swarmed all around me. This place absolutely sucked, especially to someone like me who hated the outdoors.

He walked backwards and shined his flashlight in my eyes. "We can't sell burgers at home."

"What the heck are you talking about? We live in a densely populated city. That's the perfect place to sell burgers, unlike this stupid rainforest planet." Slightly irritated, I kicked a random tree trunk.

Randy suddenly stopped and lowered his voice. "Don't move, little bro!"

"Wait, what-?" I froze, as I felt something crawling on my head.

He grabbed a stick from the ground and slowly approached me. "Hold still, there's a big spider on your head.

I bit my tongue to keep myself from letting out a girlish scream. Randy lifted the stick over me. "Dang, that thing looks venomous." He said, not reassuring me in the least.

Right at the moment he clubbed me in the head, the large purple spider dodged it and lept onto a tree. Of course, I still took the brunt of the blow. The spider let out a hissing noise before scurrying off into the forest. I now had a throbbing lump on the top of my head. This trek only seemed to get worse by the second.

We continued onward until a subtle thumping noise rang out in the distance. It just so happened to come from the direction we were heading. As we got closer, there was a faint glow of a campfire. Peeking out from the brush, we saw Broc Lee, Letty, and a few dozen other vegetable hippies sitting around in a drum circle.

"You veggie bros look awfully hungry to me!" Randy declared as he emerged from the jungle.

Broc Lee followed by a carrot man dressed in bell bottom jeans and a leather moccasin vest came over to greet us.

"Glad you could make it, maaaan. I want to introduce you to our chief, Carrotino." Broc Lee said.

"These are the space travellers sister Letty and you spoke of?" Carrotino's spoke in a deep booming voice.

Broc Lee nodded.

Carrotino looked up into the sky and got a spaced out look in his eyes. "Cosmic." He whispered to himself.

"Nice to meet you carrot bro." Randy held out his hand to shake, but Carrotino just continued staring up into the sky and whispering to himself.

"Is he alright?" I wondered.

"He's more than alright, maaaan. He's on an intergalactic journey within his mind." Broc Lee responded.

Randy lowered his hand and laughed. "His taste buds are about to have an intergalactic journey too. So, where do you want us to start serving these bad boys out?"

Broc Lee pointed to an empty spot next to one of their hippie tents. "You can just set your bag over there, maaaan. Mealtime isn't until later. We still have to do our weekly sharing circle."

Not even thinking twice, I immediately set the sack of burgers down. A literal massive weight was lifted from my shoulders.

Randy sighed, "Is this sharing circle going to be long because they say dinner is the most important meal of the day." He wasn't interested in the least in these hippies' silly bonding exercises. All he was here for was business.

We joined them around a campfire in the middle of their commune, which consisted of a variety of tie-dye tents of different sizes and shapes, along with one singular outhouse. The vegetable people consisted of a variety of produce, from lettuce, broccoli and a carrot, to a tomato (which is technically a fruit), and an onion to just name a few. This whole community was like one big hippy salad.

"Brother Tom, why don't you start by telling us something that happened to you this week." Carrotino handed a colorful painted stick to the Tomato man sitting across the fire from him.

Tom stared up as he reminisced. "On Tuesday, I saved a butterfly from a spider web. The little soul seemed really appreciative as it fluttered to freedom. Perhaps one day when I'm in need, that butterfly will return the favor."

The group applauded, then he passed the stick off to Letty.

"Earlier today, brother Broc Lee and I totally had the privilege of helping two cosmic travellers in need. It's always a good day when you make new friends. Both of them are actually here now!" She proceeded to introduce Randy and I, then handed me the stick. "Why don't you tell us something about your week, brother Ralphy."

"Where do I even begin?..." I proceeded to recount the borderline psychotic antics my brother put me through this past week. "... And then a fast food mascot kicked me in the crotch and my brother defeated him in a quick draw match. Then finally we crash landed on this planet and ended up here."

The vegetable people all applauded me and offered words of encouragement. I had to admit, sharing my recent traumas felt kind of nice. In fact, it was a little therapeutic. Maybe these hippies were on to something.

I passed the sharing stick to my brother, who looked like he was half asleep. I snapped my fingers in his ear to snap him out of it. "Huh?... Is it burger time yet?"

There was an awkward silence as everyone was staring at him.

"They want you to share something from your week." I whispered to him.

He responded with a half-baked answer. "Oh... Uhhhhh... I did some stuff and cooked some burgers."

Despite his lackluster response, all the hippies clapped enthusiastically. He then proceeded to pass the stick off to the beat person to his left. The sharing circle went on for another hour before turning into a game of duck duck goose and then finally karaoke.

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After hours of hippy antics, Carrotino stood to make an announcement. "Brothers and sisters, we will now close out our weekly potluck with the food sharing circle. This week, I have prepared a carrot cake."

Rolling his eyes, Randy muttered to me. "I swear these veggie bros do everything in circles."

All Randy wanted to do was pass out his burgers, but with the direction the circle was going, we were going to be the last ones. He impatiently sat with arms crossed, as he sampled each dish.

The vegetable people were surprisingly decent cooks, especially considering that they lived in a tent city in the middle of the jungle. There was still something about the food though that seemed a bit off, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

It was Letty's turn to present her dish. She held up a bowl and presented it to the group. "This week I made a groovy salad for us all to enjo-."

Randy suddenly interrupted her. "Sorry to cut you off, lettuce chick, but isn't this cannibalism?"

It became so quiet, you could hear a pin drop.

"Wh-what do you m-mean, brother Randy? We're all vegans. W-we'd never hurt a living being." She stuttered.

"Yeah, but you're a lettuce and that salad you have there is made of lettuce. Wouldn't that mean you're eating your own kind." My brother continued on, not seeming able to read the room.

"I still don't understand?" Carrotino chimed in.

Randy pulled out a small mirror from his pocket. "Have you never seen your own reflection? You're a giant carrot man and you baked a carrot cake."

Carrot suddenly fell to his knees with a look of utter dread on his face. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

Broc Lee began panicking and pulling out the florets on the top of his head. He stared up into the sky and shouted, "what have we done!?"

All at once, the vegetable hippies had a collective meltdown over the revelation that my brother revealed to them. Some, like Tom the tomato man, curled up into the fetal position and began uncontrollably rocking back and forth while sobbing, while others like the onion guy began setting fire to tents. Everything in the commune had turned to absolute chaos.

"Did you really have to point that out, Randy?" I scolded him as the two of us remained in the same spot we'd been as pandemonium was erupting around us.

"How was I supposed to know that they didn't realize they were vegetables?" He looked around for a moment until his eyes locked on to our still untouched sack of burgers. "I think I know how to make this right."

"Forget about the burgers. Let's cut our losses and head back to the ship." I attempted to persuade him.

"No, I can't do that! I said we were going to have our first customers on this planet and duck it, I meant it." Defiantly, he ran over to the burger bag and untied it. The smell of medium rare beef filled the air.

Everyone paused for a moment.

Broc Lee, who was closest to us, shot us a curious look. "What is that?"

"It's meat on a bun, broccoli bro." Randy held a burger in front of his face.

"B-but I'm vegan, maaaan!" Broc Lee had a conflicted look on his face.

"Come on, just take a bite. It won't hurt you." My brother pressured him.

All the vegetable hippies watched Broc Lee intently as he was locked in a moral crisis over a hamburger. A bead of sweat dripped down his forehead while he took the sandwich in his hands. Looking like he was about to cry, he slowly brought it towards his open mouth. Everyone held their breaths as he took his first bite. He chewed it with a blank expression on his face then swallowed it. He stood silently like he was trying to process what he just consumed. Gradually his straight face transformed into a smile.

"Far out!" He exclaimed.

Carrotino was next to follow suit. He hesitantly picked up a burger and took a bite. "Our brother is right. This is delicious!"

After getting some reassurance from their leader, the vegetable hippies one by one began trying our burgers for themselves. Sure enough, they were hooked like Randy predicted. Within a matter of a few minutes, they ravaged our entire supply like piranhas.

Randy turned to me with a smirk on his face. "Looks like we have our first happy customers, little bro."

"Can you even call these customers? All you did was give away a bunch of free food."

"Anyone who enjoys our burgers is a customer to me."

Unfortunately, my brother's logic wasn't going to help us profit. If anything, this just put us more in the red.

Carrotino made a declaration in front of the entire commune. "I feel as though I've reached a new level of enlightenment. From now on, my brothers and sisters, we will consume a strict carnivore diet. No longer will we indulge in cannibalism."

The vegetable people cheered for a moment, until Letty spoke. "Are there any more burgers left?"

Randy chimed in, "Unfortunately, you ate them all, but if you all come back to our ship, I can make mo-..." He stopped as he noticed all the hippies glaring at us with a strange look in their eyes. "Is there something on my face?"

Broc Lee spoke, while his mouth watered. "Human is a type of meat, isn't it, Maaaan?"

"Randy, I think we should really get heading back to the ship." I nervously spoke.

"What do you mean? I just think they're curious about anatomy or some-..."

The vegetable hippies began moving towards us with hungry looks. We slowly stepped backwards, careful not to let any of them out of our sight.

Right as we reached the edge of the jungle, my brother quickly gave them some departing words. "Well, it was fun, veggie bros, but we should get going. If you're ever in the market for some burgers and decide you don't want to eat my brother and I, you know who to call!"

He tossed a business card toward them and with that, the two of us booked it into the dense rainforest back towards our ship. The vegetable hippies, unfortunately for us, decided to pursue us. As we ran for our lives, they tailed us while throwing sticks and rocks, trying to trip us up.

"Come back soul brothers! All we want to do is slow roast you over a fire." Carrotino's pleas were not convincing in the least.

"How bout you slow roast this carrot man." There was another large purple spider sitting on a tree trunk, which my brother snatched up and threw over his shoulder. It landed on Carrotino's face causing him to scream and tumble over. "That should slow them down."

After running for our lives, we finally made it to our ship, which we boarded at lightning speed. Locking ourselves inside, the group of the vegetable people caught up and began rocking our spacecraft back and forth, trying to tip it over.

"Get us out of here!" I shouted.

"Already on it, little bro. Time to fry these vegetables."

He turned the key, firing up our thrusters. Like he mentioned, some of the vegetable people were caught in the exhaust flames as we sped off, leaving this planet behind.

Personally, I thought this entire ordeal was a bust. All my brother managed to do was turn a group of peace loving hippies into bloodthirsty savages. If we didn't get serious soon, I wasn't sure how much longer this business venture could last.