Sickness of the Mind

Yet to my dismay, it’s been disappointment after disappointment.

It was a week ago when I told Dad about my realization. At first, he was skeptical – he thought, wouldn’t it be more practical just to get rid of Ezri as soon as they could? But my perception was undeniable; it would only cause a pointless, never-ending cycle. Finding out Ezri’s identity in the present age was the only effective solution.

“Smart thinking. I’m proud of you,” is what Dad sincerely told me. Apparently, though, his pride wasn’t big enough to see me as capable. He went along with my idea, even creating a whole taskforce for the cause, but when I asked to join…

“It’s not that I’m doubting you, Calla, but you’re only 18 and have never dealt with these matters before. Besides, I don’t want you to neglect your studies.”

I can’t help but scoff every time I recall the memory. No matter how much I tried to persuade him, he wouldn’t budge. Now, I’m sitting in the seminar brooding while listening to my professor’s lecture about legislation.

A crumbled up ball of paper hits the back of my head. Irritation crosses my face as I peek over to see the culprit, and it lessens only slightly when it turns out to be Shiloh. “Open it,” she mouths to me, pointing to the paper. I ignore her. I’ve told her so many times to stop pulling this during class already.

Another ball hits me, then a third, then a fourth, and finally I can’t take it anymore. I catch the fifth one before it touches me and roughly reveal whatever she’s trying to say to me inside. “Where’s Jasper?” the note reads.

Jasper’s usual seat is empty, and come to think of it, I haven’t seen him all day. He hasn’t responded to my texts either, I just assumed he was busy. Don’t know where he is, so I shrug.

“Miss Hartwell, are you passing notes?” The professor asks me sternly, noticing the paper in my hand.

My classmates snicker at me, looking more than satisfied at the predicament I’m in. A few of them actually clap. For what? To make things worse, Shiloh is staring out the window and acting as if she wasn’t involved. Unbelievable.

“I— No, I was just—”

“I’ll let you off the hook this once, but next time, please wait until after the lecture to talk to your friends.”

“Yes, sir…”

After classes and on our way to Jasper’s apartment to check on him, I don’t even look Shiloh’s way as she tries to apologize to me. She should’ve spoken up and admitted it was her fault, not make me look bad in front of everybody with a grudge. No amount of “I’m sorry” is going to fix anything.

“You’re really gonna stay mad at me for the rest of the day?” she whines from behind me.

“More like the rest of the month.”

“Aww, come on! I won’t do it again, honest.”

“Please, that’s what you said last time! Now you’ve gone too far.”

She pouts and crosses her arms like a little child, but it’s not going to work on me. She’ll just have to deal with my sour mood until I decide to get over it.

We soon arrive outside of Jasper’s door and knock on it. No answer. We knock a few more times, Shiloh’s a bit more aggressive than mine, but still nothing. He’s a major homebody, so if he isn’t here instead of university, I have no idea where he could be.

“It’s alright, I got this,” Shiloh says as she enters a code into the keypad besides the door. A small beep is heard, and the latch detaches itself. I’m surprised Jasper would tell her the password to his home and not me, but when she sees my confusion, Shiloh grins and explains, “I watched him put it in once, then wrote it down somewhere.”

Typical.

“Don’t you think that’s invasive?”

“No, what if we need to get in? Like now. I know the code to yours too.”

“You what!?”

She scampers into the apartment, escaping my rebuke. Honestly, I don’t know why I’m friends with this girl sometimes. She drives me up a wall.

“Jasper? You in here, buddy?” Shiloh calls out.

Jasper is always very particular about his space. Everything has to be arranged in a certain way, at least one room needs a light on, and he hates messes – which I appreciate. So obviously, I wasn’t expecting to see a dark, unkept apartment with books and things scattered across the floor, and dirty dishes in the kitchen. Even Shiloh looks concerned.

We hear groaning from down the hall, coming from Jasper’s room. We approach slowly and peer inside, only to see Jasper lying in a fetal position on his bed.

“Um, hey?” I walk closer to him, placing my hand on his shoulder. “What are you doing? Are you okay?”

He jumps up at my touch, and I’m met with a fretful gaze. The bags under his sunken eyes show he didn’t sleep much, if at all.

“You’re kinda starting to freak us out,” Shiloh says with a nervous laugh. “What’s the deal?”

“I…” He sits up, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. “I can’t— I can’t stop thinking about that night… It was horrible. All that death, all that— blood…”

Shiloh’s eyebrows furrow, and for once she doesn’t look playful. “Yeah… It was something else, wasn’t it?”

“Don’t worry about it,” I say, sitting across from Jasper on the bed. “You’ll forget about it soon enough, since the IPU is going to take them down. But until then, you’ll need to get it together.”

“You don’t sound very sympathetic, Calla,” says Shiloh.

“Of course I’m sympathetic. Ezri made me lose two points on the MME, that proves I’m just as bothered as anybody else.”

“Right… It totally sounds like you’re suffering…”

I roll my eyes, then turn back to Jasper. “You’re going to end up at a facility at this rate. Have you been like this all day?”

He nods and says, “I’ve been trying— trying to ignore the thoughts, but they keep coming. Those bodies, so many bodies…” He lets out a shaky breath. “It’s debilitating, I don’t know what to do.”

“What you’re going to do is get out of this bed.”

And with that, I stand up, dragging Jasper along with me by pulling him onto his feet. One step at a time, I help him leave his room like he’s a toddler learning to walk for the first time. Admittedly, it’s pretty pathetic, but I guess this is what he needs at the moment.

“Whoa, whoa— you okay there, Jas?” Shiloh says, quickly stepping forward.

Jasper is suddenly off balance, his body trembling all over as he starts to sway. He lets go of my hands, stumbling backwards and falling onto the floor before we can catch him. Shiloh and I exchange worried glances as Jasper now begins to sob, burying his face into his palms.

I reach out for him again while saying, “Listen, Jasper, don’t do that—”

“It’s too much!” he chokes out between tears, his voice strained with agony.

I look over at Shiloh, hoping she can give me some assistance, but her hands are shaking, despite her attempts at hiding it. Her tense body language screams distress, it’s almost as if Jasper’s breakdown is encouraging any deep feelings within Shiloh to rise to the surface. But I can’t afford to lose both of them. I give her shoulders a shake, trying to bring her back down to earth.

“Sorry, sorry,” she says. “Alright, let’s calm him down—”

But before we get the chance, Jasper passes out, his arms sprawled out on the ground. The trauma was too much for his mind to handle. I quickly drop down to grab his sweaty wrist and check his pulse, which is alarmingly fast even though he just fainted, while Shiloh dials a hospital.

This is why Ezri has to be kept a secret. Imagine if more people were to end up like Jasper. As we found out from the Saski Incident ten years ago, it doesn’t take being a witness to cause widespread mental decline in our society. The whole nation would be in shambles if news about Ezri was made public.

The IPU better put a stop to this soon, or else we’re all going to be in trouble. Something so significant like this can only stay hidden for so long – and if she’s playing her cards right, I believe that’s exactly what Ezri is betting on.