Walking Towards Cerberus

"Act as if everything depended on you; trust as if everything depended on God".

– Saint Ignatius of Loyola

We are dividing ourselves into three teams, one for each GM. Marcellus is going alone to the GM Valentinus, he is oddly excited about interacting with the GM. Captain Liu and the other engineer are going to the GM Amaterasu. Marina and I are going to the GM Ignatius. The idea is that each of us go with a GM we share beliefs with the most, it is only a shot in the dark but we hope it facilitates communication. Marcellus being a Valentinian Christian and myself identifying with the philosophy of Ignatius of Loyola made those two choices easy. None of us was a Shintoist but Captain Liu has enough knowledge about it that we hope it helps.

Before going out we agreed to rest a while and get our injuries treated by the drones. It happens that the drones aren't used exclusively for security but to accomplish several tasks in the facilities, that included medical care. Marina’s eye in particular had me worried and although the drones can’t perform surgery, the first aid they provided was honestly surprisingly comprehensive. All of us took some pretty damn good painkillers and got a few more for the rest of the day. The only thing we couldn’t do much about was the pain and damage on my stump, for overusing and misusing the prosthetic leg. Right now it doesn’t hurt thanks to the drugs but the cumulative damage stays there and as long as I plan on moving it will keep getting worse.

While we rested, I tried gauging the status of my team, most were getting better both physically and mentally but among us all, Marcellus seemed the most excited. He told us, not even trying to hide the childish smile on his face “I’ve never been able to do a pilgrimage but now I’ll have the chance of interacting with one of the GMs in a far more intimate way than any other person in history!... ” He looked me in the eyes and said with the most genuine joy I’ve ever seen “Boss, thank you so much for giving me this chance. Do you know that your name could be interpreted to have a special meaning in my faith?”. While not being sure where this conversation was going I replied “Huh?”. He chuckles and continues speaking “Your name Numa sounds the same as how we pronounce Pneuma, the most pure essence a person can have. I’m sure the reason I was able to find this chance in life is because you truly are of that essence, not many would have achieved what you have.” A little bit uncomfortable and wanting to end this round of adoration I say “huh, thanks? I don’t really feel that special but I’m glad you feel I could help you”. I don’t know where that came from, I just followed Captain Liu and got shot. I’m not special, I’ve just failed myself upwards.

I assume it is because of the drugs but I feel a bit sleepy even with a beeping noise in my ears. We really need to rest after all of this ordeal. I look at Marina and she is already sleeping, I guess everybody is just as tired as I am. Then I hear whispers of a kind male voice saying “don’t worry, you can do it. I will be there for you. You have my word, in everything to love and serve”. His voice gives me peace.

I hear Marina's voice with a confused and sleepy tone asking me “huh what did you say?”. I open my eyes and see captain Liu getting ready a few meters in front of us… when did I close my eyes?…was that a dream?. This time sounding more conscious of her surroundings, she answers more to herself “No, it couldn’t have been you, I guess Captain Liu must have gone waking us up and I dreamt with his voice”. Did she also dream the same as me? I won’t let any suspicious situations be ignored anymore so I ask her “Hey girl, did you dream about a voice encouraging you?”. Marina looks at me curious and confused, then replies “yeees? Don’t tell me this is like-”, I interrupt with a highly motivated voice “like the dream I shared with Marcellus and Captain Liu. They want to meet us!”.

Before departing we share words of encouragement between us, we need them, god only knows what we will find at the end of this journey. I truly believe that my plan is right, I wouldn’t put other people's lives in danger if I didn't. Still, we have seen and experienced so many things we didn't even know were possible, expecting the unexpected is the most cautious thing we can do. For a moment I try to focus on what the unexpected factor could be but then I realize there is no point in worrying now about that. Getting stressed about information I have no way of knowing if I can obtain is pointless, so I stop and just prepare myself to adapt when the plans change. After everything that has happened, that way of thinking has stuck with me and at least for now seems like the best way of progressing.

As we pass beside drones in the hallways I can feel the anxiety rising up. This kind of reminds me of the fear and struggle getting to the drone control room. Now that I don’t have a gun I feel more in danger than before, even if I objectively know that they are no longer dangerous. This sucks, I don’t want to be afraid but I can’t stop it. My hands have started to sweat and even tremble a little from time to time. Then I feel Marina’s hand grasping gently yet firmly to mine and tell me “Don’t worry dear, I’m here for you. Just focus on breathing and on what you’ll say to the GM. Don’t let anything else into your mind”. I’m still scared but that managed to give me an anchor to distract myself enough for now. I didn’t know how scared I had become of the drones until we found them in the hallways where they not long ago attacked us. Just how fragile am I?