What Makes You Happy

Zach is dying laughing, and Tori has a look of pure horror on her face. We’re supposed to be getting ready for the Solar Festival, which starts today, at last, but I’d finally gathered the courage to tell them what happened with Nico, so now we’re all distracted.

Per usual, we’ve gathered in Tori’s room, in real life, and Tori is standing frozen with her makeup scanner in hand. She’s in a pretty white sundress, her hair pulled back in a bow, looking flawless even without any makeup on. I decided to wear my red recital dress—this is the biggest event of the year—and am borrowing some red heels from Tori, which make me feel like a wobbly giant. We’d look like a pretty put-together group if it wasn’t for Zach still in a plain t-shirt and cargo shorts.

But what can you do?

Tori waves the scanner at me and groans, “Why would you do that?”

Zach wipes his eyes, biting his lip to stop himself from laughing. “No, that’s awesome, Petra. That is so awesome.”

I told them, of course, that I kissed Nico again. But it was in VR, so that doesn’t really count, right?

Tori seems to think it counts. She smacks Zach on the arm, which earns her a yelp and glare. “Pet,” she says quietly, shaking her head. “What about Sol?”

“What about Sol? He rejected me,” I reply defensively.

“He didn’t reject you! You ran away!”

Zach puts his arm around my shoulders and pouts at Tori. “Let our girl be a little messy. This is the only time she’s ever done it. I think she gets a pass. And this makes for a great story.”

Tori glares at him. “Life is not about ‘great stories.’ It’s about making the right decision for yourself. Pet wants to go to Nova. And she’ll get in. Sol is literally at Nova. One of these things makes more sense than the other.”

“Love is not about making sense,” Zach says dramatically.

I shove him off of me, my face flushing. “Who said anything about love?!”

Zach flops down onto the ground, acting like I just threw him across the room with my weak little push. “Ugh. I need new friends,” he wails, covering his eyes with his hands. Then he peeks up at me, and the look on his face is surprisingly serious all of a sudden. He gives me a sweet smile, one that reminds me why we’re friends in the first place. “Honestly, Petra… One day, you’ll look back at all of this and be glad you lived a little. You have people who care about you, and you’re giving new stuff a try. I think it’s a good thing. So… enjoy it.”

Maybe he’s right. Maybe. “Thanks, idiot,” I mumble.

He rolls his eyes at me. “I’m not an idiot. I’m a misunderstood genius.”

I turn to Tori as she sighs and sits down on her bed, waving the makeup scanner over her face to paint on her signature look—eyeliner, shimmering eyeshadow, pink lipstick, blush. “I don’t know… I just really like you and Sol together.” She looks over at me and smiles softly. “But it’s not my life, and it’s not my decision. Just know that, whatever happens, I’m on your side.”

I never doubted her, but it’s still nice to hear.

“Me too,” Zach pipes up.

“Thanks, guys.”

The problem is that I don’t know what I want anymore. The idea of Sol was so perfect, so easy. Nico feels like a bad idea no matter how you look at it. And liking them both makes me feel like I’m not ready for either—not ready for a relationship at all.

Could I even have avoided this?

“This is all so messy,” I whisper, though I’m not sure to whom.

Tori walks over and grabs my chin. “No more overthinking. Close your eyes.” I obey automatically and feel the cool dusting of makeup as she runs the scanner over my face. When she’s done, I open my eyes to see her beaming at me. “You look beautiful, Pet,” she says. “Enjoy your day. We can hang out together, just the three of us, if you want. Oh, well, and Adrien.”

Even Zach is nodding approvingly from where he’s laying on the floor. “Yeah. Just don’t look like you’re my date. I’m still trying to meet an Earth girl, and you’ll just get in the way.”

As Tori starts berating Zach and tossing pillows at him, I feel my lip start to quiver.

Because I love them. I love my friends.

If I do go to Nova… No, when I do go to Nova… I’ll miss them so much.

Mid-argument, Tori straightens up suddenly and Zach falls silent in response. She’s got a faraway look in her eye—a Linx message no doubt. “There’s a package at the door,” she says. “Can you get it, Pet?”

“Sure.” As I hobble over to the door in her heels, she reaches out and stops me for a moment, her hand on my shoulder. I glance back at her, and see the worried look on her face for a moment before it’s gone.

“Do whatever makes you happy, okay?” she says.

“Uh…” I raise an eyebrow and glance at Zach, but he looks just as puzzled. We make eye contact, and he shrugs at me. Weird. I turn back to Tori and nod. “Don’t worry. I will.”

I ponder her words as I head down the stairs to her front door.

I wonder who I’ll see at the Solar Festival. If my dad and his new family are coming—no, he would have said something. I haven’t heard from him in a while. But that’s my fault. He’s busy; I need to reach out to him more…

All thoughts of my father leave my head when I pull open the door and stop short at what I see: Sol, standing there in what has to be the nicest outfit he packed, holding a bouquet of flowers wrapped in white paper. His golden brown curls cling to his forehead, and he’s got the wide-eyed look of a shy kid thrust center stage. He’s clearly sweating, and when we make eye contact, his mouth falls open but no sound comes out at first.

Then he says, “Petra,” and I feel my entire body heat up.

“What are you doing here?” I whisper. I forgot how nice he looks. How cute he is. But it all feels soured now from everything that went down. I look at the bouquet, which he hands to me. Pink carnations, red roses, and those little white flowers I don’t know the name of. My fingertips brush lightly against his as I accept them, and the paper crinkles loudly in my tense grip.

He takes a deep breath then babbles, “I’m sorry. I got scared. Everything was moving so fast and getting so serious and I just panicked. I froze.”

You… froze?

My eyes flick back up to his in a glare, and I feel the flames of frustration roaring to life inside of me. “‘Moving so fast’? Only because you were moving fast! I wasn’t moving fast at all until you started moving fast!” I clutch the flowers even tighter, until I can feel the slight indents of the roses’ thorns through the paper. Sol looks stunned by my words, maybe a little scared, but then the guilt creeps in.

“You’re right… I started it. But I’m not here to talk about that. I want to make it up to you.”

What?

“Make it up to me?” My fingers loosen around the stems.

Oh no… do I need to tell him about Nico? Surely not, right? It’s not like we were together when any of… that… happened. And we’re not together now, either.

Sol takes a deep breath, and I feel myself both thrilled and dreading what he’ll say next. “Just… be my date for the Solar Festival, okay? Can we start there? Is that okay?” He reaches out to touch my shoulder but hesitates, and I can see his hand is shaking.

Do I really make him that nervous?

Wait—he should be nervous! This is all his fault. None of this had to be awkward until he made it awkward!

“Fine,” I say, a stubborn lilt to my words. I turn my chin up toward him and make firm eye contact. “I’ll be your date. But this is your last chance. I don’t like having my time wasted.” I don’t know if I’m doing too much; frankly, I’m not sure what to do in this situation. But as much as I wish I could just say no and stand my ground, I don’t want to. These past few weeks with him have been some of the best of my life. And I just don't want it to end just yet.

A cautious look of relief passes over his face, and he lets his hand land on my shoulder lightly. I soften at his touch and feel the burn of a blush on my face, as if we haven’t done this all before.

I missed him, I realize. I missed being around him. It feels almost embarrassing to admit, but then I remind myself that he’s not a bad person and I’m not a fool for still liking him. It’s just… complicated.

He’s just a stupid boy. A stupid boy who is nice and smart and handsome and makes mistakes because he’s human.

That’s what I tell myself.

Because I’ve made mistakes too. And at least he’s admitting to his.

If we keep this up, I might have to take mine to the grave.