So If I Am a "Useless Pile of Waste," Then I Can Still Remember Myself

How could I be so blind?

My chest tightened, my breaths shallow and jagged. The room blurred around me as my thoughts crashed together in a chaotic blur. “Y-You gotta be kidding me,” I stammered. “What the fuck is going on? This can’t be real. I’m—I was… a human?”

Axel clasped my shoulders, making me flinch. “Kid, listen to me,” he said sternly. “Take slow, deep breaths.” He clicked his tongue as he stared at the entry log. “I didn’t expect that lunatic to spew everything like that, but damn. One hell of a reveal.”

“A-Axel, you knew?” I sputtered. “Since when?”

“Well, your attitude gave it away. So, since the beginning?”

I gritted my teeth and shoved him away. “You knew this whole time but didn’t tell me?! What kind of detective are you to hide that?!”

“Even if I tell you, you wouldn’t want to believe me anyway!”

I balled my fists. “Th-That’s…” I hate that he’s right. “S-Still! You should’ve said something!” I looked down at my trembling hands. “Axel, wh-what am I? No, who am I? I-I used to be a human! I used to be someone else! I’ve been living a lie this whole time!” I snatched his shirt and shook him. “You’re a detective, aren’t you?! Who the hell am I?!”

Axel grabbed my wrists, his firm grip freezing me up. “I don’t know how you ended up like this either, but whether you’re an android, a human, or some mutated cyborg, I wholly believe your true identity still exists somewhere out there,” he said. “And I swear as a detective, I will give you your real name back.”

Heat rushed up to my face, and my thoughts swarmed so much I wasn’t sure what I blurted out. “I-I don’t get it,” I muttered. “How can you be so confident about it? Don’t give me false hope—this is just another case to you. Don’t act like you’re invested in this like Noah and me. Why should I believe in you?!”

Axel deeply inhaled. “This isn’t ‘just another case’ to me, kid. Do you remember me mentioning how I first heard about Biowidth Station?”

I nodded.

The detective returned the gesture. “About a year ago, my old friend and his wife—Ronan and Lily—died from a house fire, and their son, Zain, went missing.”

My stomach immediately curled up. I gaped at Axel, wide-eyed and devastated.

“I admit, I wasn't all that close with his family. The last time I talked to them was at their son's tenth birthday party, but that was over a decade ago. I used to keep in touch with Ronan, but with both of us busy with work and life, he and I... eventually drifted away too. Next thing I knew, he and his wife died, and their son disappeared from this very hospital.”

Regret tore his face as he looked at the holographic screen. “Of course, I asked for the hospital’s footage but found nothing. It was only when I hired some informants to find him that I first saw Biowidth Station’s name from a few underground clinics, but all I learned was that they were involved with Zain's disappearance and did some shady experiments. Even when Celia’s case arrived, Noah and I couldn’t find anything new until you came along.”

He tossed me that sad, gentle, and knowing look again, but with questions clouding my judgment, I couldn’t even be bothered to be annoyed by it anymore. “I desperately wished that if I could solve Celia’s case, I could also find what happened to Ronan’s family as my way of making up for my failure as a friend. It’s thanks to you that we made it this far. You believe in me now?”

No! How am I supposed to feel any better knowing that I’ve killed your friend?! It’s all my fault! I chewed my lip and lowered my head, responding with silence.

The detective sighed. “In any case, I’ve explained my side of the story. That at least makes us a real team now, yeah?”

Absolutely not. I was the murderer he’d been searching for this whole time. If he knew I did it, then... then he'd kick me off the team, arrest me on the spot, and leave me to rot in some prison cell...

I swallowed and curled my fists.

I knew the right thing to do was to confess, but... that could wait a little longer. I still needed to find answers, so... until I got my closure, I'd lend him my full aid, and after we resolved this whole case, I'd come clean.

With my mind made up, I gave Axel a nod.

He nodded back. “I get it. You need some time to process this. Come on, let’s head back. We’ve got all the intel we needed.” He offered a reassuring grin and extended a hand. “It’s about time we stop that doctor. Let’s go save Celia and get your name back, partner.”

I stared at his hand and his face in disbelief. “I still don’t get it,” I croaked. “Why do you want to help a criminal like me?”

He sighed again as if he had to state the obvious. “In a sense, you’re also a victim. The whole purpose of my career is to deliver justice for people who were wronged like you, Noah, and my old friend.”

“B-But I’m not innocent like Noah and Ronan. I’ve killed people, Axel! I don’t deserve justice like you think! You don’t know what I’ve done!”

“Oh, quit blabbering. That’s the mindset a victim would have. Yeah, you’ve done some crime, but we can deal with the legal shenanigans after getting you the help you need.” He patted my back and walked toward the window. “Let’s hurry and get outta here before that doctor returns.”

“...You’re way too calm about this, Axel,” I mumbled.

“Of course, I’ve been a detective for years. I’ve met criminals worse than you and seen more depravity than you realize.” Unexpectedly, he glanced over his shoulders and tossed a bone-chilling glare, one filled with corrupted wisdom. “You don’t know what I’ve been through either,” he said, his words laced with bitterness. “That makes us even, yeah?”

I tensed up at his expression before slumping my shoulders and nodding.

“Alright, let’s move,” he said, crawling out the window.

Normally, I’d use my X-ray vision to check on Dr. Flint’s whereabouts while I followed Axel, but the thought of using it now sickened me. Instead, I decided to risk it and rush our escape while pondering.

I used to be human. I used to have a human name. I used to have a human life.

Then, who was I? What happened to me? If I were a test subject, could it be that my real name was on that list? That couldn't be it—none of those names resonated with me at all. If my name wasn't even on there, how could I be sure it still existed? What if my name was already erased from existence? What then?

…Speaking of erased existences, what about all those outcasted androids at the disposal grounds? 

What if those poor souls… were also once normal humans like me? That would explain why they cried like real people. That would explain why The Director found me there so easily—because that was where he disposed of all his failed test subjects. God, the thought of that churned my stomach with nausea.

More and more questions piled up and scrambled my thoughts, but as the detective said, we were running out of time. I forced myself to set aside these questions for now and helped Axel descend to the ground. By the time our soles met soil, we headed our way back to his car. The trip should’ve been one that could cool me off and let me recollect my thoughts.

Instead, anxiety swept over both of us when we spotted something wrong.

When we arrived back at Axel’s car, we found Noah missing from his seat.