Internal Struggle

Idiot.

That’s who she was. A big, fat idiot.

Why did she have to say something like that?

“If I got another match, I thought maybe it would’ve been you instead.”

Seriously, what was she thinking?

That’s the point—she wasn’t thinking. That’s what had put her in this awkward situation. Over 24 hours had passed since she said that sentence out loud, and time definitely had not helped her calm down; quite the contrary. She felt more and more terrible with each passing minute.

The look on Atsushi’s face… His eyes widening in reaction. Nami wasn’t sure how to interpret that other than as him being clearly shocked. One look at his face had made her realize what she had just said to him.

But it wasn’t Atsushi Nami was worried about right now. Whether he felt the same way or wanted to reject her wasn’t the issue at hand.

All she was worried about was Tsukasa.

She had betrayed him and his feelings in the worst way possible, and she had no one else but herself to blame. Whether he was there or far away on a job, the pianist was sure her feelings had started to reshape even before meeting Atsushi. She had changed; her priorities in life weren’t the same as before. The days of her living in her small school-and-college world were far behind her. It had taken her a while to realize that living in emotional stagnation wasn’t for her. Unlike Tsukasa, she had never had as much trust in their unshaken devotion to each other. That’s why she was so scared of the Soullet Ceremony. She had been in denial for so long, blaming her uncertainty entirely on a fear of change.

And now there she was, sitting on the sofa that once used to be a place of comfort. Now, it only brought back memories of Tsukasa taking care of her, wrapping her in a blanket, and giving her a mug of warm tea.

Nami looked at the phone she had been squeezing in her hand all this time. The message on it felt as if it were looking daggers at her.

“If you want me to pretend I didn’t hear anything, I can do that. I just don’t want to lose contact with you.”

It was a message from Atsushi, sent about fifteen minutes after she ran away from the restaurant, from him, and from her feelings…

What made it even worse was the notification that had appeared right above it:

“Tsukasa’s return - Friday 2:00 P.M.”

Only two days until her boyfriend's return. No matter what she decided, there was no way she could avoid breaking her heart. At least, not if she wanted to be honest with him. Lying was the only way to avoid that, but that would be your typical drama-romance movie trope that never works out well in the end. She’d rather just be honest with him from the beginning. That was the least she could do for him.

Why did everything have to become so complicated? Why did she have to have a change of heart? Why couldn’t she keep on loving Tsukasa just like before?

She still had feelings for him; she still cared a lot. But… not the way she used to. The romantic aspect of their relationship had evaporated almost completely. The dates they had gone on together weren’t fresh in her mind. And although they brought back nice memories when she thought about them, she was also aware it was all in the past.

One thing Nami was sure of: she had to talk to someone about her issue.

To no surprise, Atsushi came first to her mind. He understood her better than most, but in this case, he was obviously out of the question. This issue, the pianist decided, would be addressed after her unavoidable talk with Tsukasa.

Then she thought of her parents. Would they be disappointed in her? They loved Tsukasa dearly and had already called him their son even before they became official. Until now, the brunette hadn’t thought much about how these changes would affect everyone around her.

She had truly become a selfish person.

It became clear that there was only one person Nami could confide in right now.

Aya.

The only person who was always there to help. She might be disappointed in her, angry, and upset, but she always forgave and helped her with any issue at hand. And in return, Nami made sure to do the same for her anytime.

Still, admitting all of her true feelings and explaining the situation wouldn’t be easy. That’s why, right now, the brunette was looking down at her shaking hand, nervously gazing at the smartphone she was holding. But it didn’t last long, as her focus turned somewhere else—on her wrist, to be exact. After the day of the festival accident, she couldn’t bear to wear her Soullet anymore. The golden glow that she had always enjoyed looking at was no longer pleasant. Filled with guilt, she felt as if the color were burning her eyes. So now the bracelet was left abandoned, hidden deep in a nightstand shelf by her bed.

Looking back again at her smartphone, Nami was fighting an internal war in her head. To call or not to call? She did what was best in this kind of situation.

She procrastinated.

Instead of calling Aya, she opened her photo gallery. Some of the pictures were with her workmates, others with her family.

Most were with Tsukasa.

But the further she scrolled, her soulmate appeared less and less, and soon enough, singular pictures of her and Atsushi showed up instead.

That was it. She had to clean up her emotional mess. And the first step was to get an opinion from a third party.

Closing the gallery app, her slender fingers quickly tapped onto all the icons and numbers she needed to dial her best friend, just as if she were playing a melody on her piano.

One beep, two beeps.

“Sup, Nami. When and where?”

An unspoken rule between the two ex-roommates was that if there was no FaceTime feature in the call, it immediately meant a face-to-face meeting was requested.

“Tomorrow at mine, 6 p.m.”

“Gotcha!”

Now she only had to somehow survive one day without overthinking too much.

Oh, joy.