A hero?

Ah, where did I lose myself within this sea of time, which year was it, or month, or day, or hour, or minute, or second……

Hehehhe, life is a funny thing. You spend all your life chasing a dream, maybe not even a dream more so an addiction, an addiction so bad you hide it from others but deep down crave it every second.

*sigh*

Life life life

Why must you torture me in the worst of ways, can i not even keep my dreams now?

In this world where every man killed his inner child to “grow up”, I pretended to do the same. Deep down in the abyss of my mind though, I let a dream stay hidden, a dream from an age long gone, a dream from the innocent mind at the time, a dream… of being a hero.

Funny thing isn't it, heroes aren't real, or well not the fictional kind. But that's what makes it even better, real life is full of people who were nothing, had nothing, yet still did shit which made them heroes. Nevertheless, as I grew up and learnt more and more of how cruel and messed up this ugly world was, the more I craved for a hero to rise up, until I thought, but what if I became the hero?

What's the first rule to be a hero? A simple question, and one which has been answered the same way thousands of times by thousands of people. You act, before you think. It's Innate, people who became heroes, they acted when they saw shit go down, that differentiated them from the others and turned them into heroes. That initial action is the starting point of every hero. So if one truly desired to be a hero, they would need to act up when everyone else would not.

For years I waited, waited patiently, at times anxiously, for my time to come. I studied, I learnt, I gained an understanding of anything and everything which i thought could be of use to me. People thought I was simply working hard for my career or what not, no sweetie, you could never comprehend the plans that were constantly evolving in my head. After years and years of waiting, from a child to a teen to a young adult at 20, I finally had that moment, not once but TWICE.

And both times,

I,

Failed.

The first time around, I was riding out with the boys, in the car, when a lil kiddo decided to run right in front us. Thankfully we were driving slow since we were just leaving the parking area, but the car almosssst touched the kid, or well at the time it looked like it had given how the little shit just stopped moving and fell. At the time, I opened the door and poked my head out the side of the roof and stared at him as his dad ran up to him, screaming at us and calling out his son's name. It wasn't until my friend who was in the middle seat of the car shouted at me to get tf out, did the gravity of the situation settle in. The whole time, I was just there in the background, watching things unfold without a single emotion on my face.

The next one, an uber ride back home, it was raining, and an asshole was driving too fast and forced this elderly couple on the bike to turn to save themselves, the rain made their bike skid and they slid down the road, crashing..My uber driver stopped the car and I immediately went out with him and helped them to their feet. This time I was able to move, I saw what happened, I registered it, I understood the best course of action, and I took it.

But as I went to the middle of the road to pick up the elderly ladys fallen shoe, I could feel water slide down my face, salty water which I could taste because of how wide open my smile was. I finally realised it. Both this time and before. One thing was common, so painfully common.

I felt nothing.

Deep down, I didn't care whether they died or lived.

At first, I could have choked it up to anything, but fate reminded me of this fact.

The first time i didn't act because i didn't want to get involved

The second time I only acted because the driver stopped the car.

Both times i simply went with the most optimal, logical option

Somewhere, somehow, something had changed

And i never realised it

I was a heartless person

I was never

meant to be a hero