The Search for Self

Ren saw no point in staying with Kaede any longer. Inside the house, Ren constantly felt as if he was being watched. Kaede would come to him every hour, except at night. Ren had an overwhelming feeling that he was trapped in that house.

He couldn't understand how he'd lived with that woman for six years. First, he found an empty house to stay in. He felt relieved, there was a sense of peace when he was alone.

Taking off his clothes, he looked at himself in the mirror. The scars on his body felt alien to him, like they belonged to a stranger. He himself felt like a stranger, a hollow shell. Yet, he didn’t dwell on these emotions. He wasn’t one to give much weight to feelings.

One day, he realized he was growing bored of it all and decided to embark on a long journey. Ren traveled, staying wherever he could, abandoned houses, strangers’ homes, or a tent he pitched himself. For months, he roamed like this, observing and testing people.

While staying with a couple, he found himself drawn to the wife. One day, he approached her with a calculated suggestion, planting doubt in her mind about her husband’s satisfaction and subtly offering his own "help" to bridge the gap. She took his words to heart, and their relationship crossed a line. To Ren, their trust and simplicity seemed laughable, even more so than Kaede’s. He couldn't help but regard them with disdain.

However, whenever Ren pulled stunts like this, it often led to those innocent people realizing, for the first time, that they’d been deceived. They began losing their unconditional trust in others. It didn’t mean much to Ren; he was merely curious.

Ren feared nothing. Occasionally, he took whatever he liked from other people’s homes. There were no penalties because people like Ren didn’t exist in this society. “Worst case, they’ll brainwash me. It wouldn’t be the first time,” he thought to himself.

Sometimes, he walked into open houses uninvited, eating, drinking, and sleeping there. People would politely ask him to leave, often explaining their reasons calmly. Since he didn’t harm them, no robotic enforcers intervened. When they grew tired of reasoning, they left him alone. By morning, he’d always move on anyway.

Near a campsite, he overheard a couple arguing. The man said he wanted to break up, claiming they weren’t compatible. The woman thought for a moment and agreed. They separated after a brief exchange, as though their years together meant nothing.

Ren found it absurd, especially after his experience with Kaede. Intrigued by this nation’s peculiarities, he resolved to understand them better. However, he felt a personal disinterest in the man and instead began following the woman, a stern-looking blonde with a serious face.

Entering through the kitchen door, Ren anticipated the usual reaction: “Please leave. I’ll have to tell my robot to use force. Please, just go.” Yet, when he walked into the living room, the woman, dressed elegantly, was pouring two glasses of wine. She turned to him and offered the second glass.

She was a few years older than Ren, with sharp features and an almost permanent seriousness to her demeanor. Her name was Evelyn. She rarely smiled and noticed everything in her environment, yet she seemed emotionless.

Ren hesitated. This confidence of hers unsettled him. It wasn’t his usual easygoing trespass.

“I’m Ren. Just Ren. And you are?”

“Evelyn. What do you want from me, Ren?”

The woman wasted no time.

“Nothing, really. I’m just bored and thought you might be interesting.”

“I don’t know what you see women as, darling, but I’m not your amusement,” she said with a calm yet commanding voice.

Ren laughed. “You don’t seem dull, though. You might actually have a brain in this sea of fools.”

“Fools? Who exactly are you referring to?” Evelyn asked.

“Everyone I’ve met in this country so far.”

“And what made you think that?”

Ren felt pressured to respond quickly, as though she was examining him.

“They believe everything they’re told, lack critical thinking, and are so emotional. They’re nothing more than walking bundles of hormones.”

Evelyn chuckled lightly. “Bundles of hormones? I won’t deny it. Many are overly emotional, but, Ren…” She stretched his name out in a melodic way. “Not everyone has to be clever. If everyone were smart, then no one would be.”

Ren admitted she had a point. But Evelyn wasn’t as fascinating as he hoped. Disappointed, he downed his wine and stood to leave. Evelyn spoke as he turned.

“But I think you’re not looking for interesting people, Ren.”

Ren paused. Evelyn continued.

“You’re searching for yourself, like a teenager trying to define their personality, figuring out how different or superior they are to others. For someone your age, it’s quite pitiful.”

Ren turned, anger bubbling within him. “Pitiful? Do you know what’s really pitiful? Thinking you can analyze someone after five minutes of conversation.”

The woman was unnervingly calm and serious. “Perhaps you’re right, but if you’re this angry, then I must be right too,” she said, taking a sip of her drink with a faint hint of amusement.

“I have my own reasons for trying to understand society and myself. I doubt someone like you would understand.”

She alluded to something Ren had said earlier. “We can’t really know someone we’ve only met for five minutes, can we?”

“Alright then, prove to me that you’re different.”

The woman didn’t respond but followed Ren regardless, her pride quietly challenged. Ren walked over to a garden, broke off a piece of the fence, and handed it to her, pointing at a nearby house.

“Smash the windows.”

“What?!”

“Didn’t you claim to be different? Here’s your chance to prove it.”

The woman shook her head in disbelief. “You’re insane. Who does something like this?”

Ren smirked, triumphant. Her refusal, he felt, was proof enough of his argument.

The woman, irritated but not willing to back down, took a measured breath. “There’s no reason for me to do something like this. If being ‘different’ means acting ridiculous, then you can have the title. I’ll stick with being ‘rational.’”

Ren’s temple throbbed in frustration. “I could strangle this stubborn woman,” he thought darkly.

“Fine. Let me share something about myself,” she said with a sardonic smile. “That man you saw me leave earlier? He was actually my brother, and we have a child together. His name’s Selim. Selim was born with a brain tumor, but we had it treated. I usually spend my time volunteering at an animal shelter.”

Ren looked at her, disgusted.

Then, to his surprise, she burst out laughing. “Of course, all of that was a lie. He was my boyfriend, we don’t have a child, and I’m allergic to animals.”

“It was obviously a lie.”

“And yet you believed it,” she countered sharply. “But I’ll tell you why, Ren. You believed me because, aside from yourself, you haven’t encountered anyone lying tonight. Sure, some of those so-called idiots you criticize might be as you say, but plenty wouldn’t even consider lying. Just like you didn’t a moment ago.”

“So why can you think like that?”

“Hmm, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s because I’ve read a lot of novels from outside this country.”

“From outside this country? How do you find them?”

“My father works for the government,” she said casually. “He has access to all sorts of interesting things.”

For reasons he couldn’t pinpoint, Ren immediately disliked her father.

After that night, Evelyn and Ren became drinking companions. Ren moved into a nearby house, and every evening, they shared drinks and conversations. Talking with Evelyn was unexpectedly refreshing for him, she was intelligent and serious, with a sharp wit. She designed homes and clothing, and in her spare time, she worked on unsolved math problems for fun.

Their relationship wasn’t overly emotional, though there was an undeniable physical component. At this point, Kaede rarely crossed Ren’s mind. Her name seemed like a relic of his past self, buried in the dust of his memory. Living this way, unattached and true to himself, felt more liberating. He indulged in what he wanted and gave himself time to discover who he truly was.

Years passed in this rhythm. Ren no longer sought wild experiments or extremes, but he did find himself growing possessive when others entered Evelyn’s life. He could have addressed it directly, but instead, he resorted to threatening and driving them away. Evelyn noticed the change and, surprisingly, didn’t seem to mind.

One day, as they were eating onigiri in Ren’s Garden, Evelyn suddenly asked, “If you care so much, why don’t we get married?”

Ren choked on his water, sputtering as he turned to her. “Pardon?!”

“Don’t play dumb. I don’t mind. I’ve already gotten used to being with one person. That person could just as well be you.”

Her straightforwardness was oddly charming. She didn’t play games, lie, or cloud things with excessive emotions. She was exactly as she appeared.

“I didn’t realize I’d made such an impression on you,” Ren teased, grinning.

Evelyn responded by throwing her juice box at him.

After that, Evelyn moved into Ren’s house. Her own home was objectively nicer, but Ren refused to part with the garden he had spent so much time cultivating.

The two lived with an almost absurd level of honesty, and Ren found he was surprisingly content building a stable life with her.