Spiritual Retirement

“Innumerable methods under different denominations, such as yoga, bhakti, karma, each again with many modifications, are being taught with great skill and in intricate detail only to entice the seekers and confuse their minds. So also are the religions and sects and dogmas. What are they all for? Only for knowing the Self. They are aids and practices required for knowing the Self.”

— Ramana Maharshi

An infinite tunnel of absolute darkness, a cool stone floor covered by a thin layer of water and absolute silence only broken by the sounds of my steps. I cannot say for how long this has been my reality. I am aware that this must be the doing of the GM. As I haven’t been awakened I can assume that Marina hasn’t seen any reason to disconnect me. Also, that means that not much time has actually passed in the real world. Still, it feels like I've been walking in here for a week, a week in which I haven’t said a thing. Was there any reason for me to not talk or is it just because I don’t have anyone to speak to… It doesn’t matter, for now I’ll just focus on trying to understand what the GM Ignatius wants from me.

I knew this was a ridiculous idea, even if a part of me thought it could work another part of me knew I would screw up, the same way I always screw up. Then why did I act in a way so unlike me, since when do I take the initiative?. A deep but gentle male voice echoes inside my head saying the following “That's a good question, keep going”. What was that and why am I so calm about it? Under normal circumstances I would freak out about hearing a voice inside my head but that’s not happening. Instead I feel like I’m hearing a trusted paternal figure supporting me. Probably the GM is messing with the strength of my emotions. Although it doesn’t make me mad it does feel a bit creepy, like a breach of my privacy. The voice replies, “You are right, I am limiting your emotions to prevent you from becoming overwhelmed by this experience. First of all, I’m sorry for intruding in your thoughts. Although I did it with the intention of caring for you, it wasn’t right to do it without your consent. If it is your desire, I’ll stop trying to monitor your feelings, just know you might enter in panic when I do so”. That’s weird, I didn’t expect a god to outright say it makes mistakes. The voice replies “That is because I am no god, I am a product of human work. As fallible to mistakes as any other institution or creation humanity has made”. Although that makes sense, I’m pretty sure many people would be horrified by the idea of the GMs not being perfect and actually divine. But anyway, getting back on topic I do want my emotions back. I think that to answer questions like “Why am I behaving unlike my usual self?” I must be all of me, my strengths and weaknesses.

So, it only took me like an hour to regain my cool but I did it in the end. Also, I was right and the GM helped me settle down. So now that I’m not screaming anymore, what is happening here? Why the eternal darkness and isolated environment? The GM replied “I’m checking to what degree I can trust you and share information. Please, don't take it as an insult but what I need to discuss with you requires a certain character and I need to see if you can develop it”. I must admit that it pisses me off a little, but given the circumstances it kind of makes sense. But wait, if the situation is so delicate do we really have the time to do this? The GM answered “Worry not about it Numa, just as you suspected your perception of time is heavily distorted while in here. You can take the time you need as no more than a couple of seconds have passed in the outside world. You have lived through a lot recently, you shouldn’t feel bad about needing some time to process your emotions”. Thank you, it is true that I needed this.

It feels like one more day has passed since it told me it will guide me. I keep on walking as the sound of my steps against the water soothes my mind. During this period of time I’ve been able to meditate about the question I made to myself right before the GM first appeared to me. I’m far more calmed and less pessimistic thanks to it interrupting that train of thought. Just after my emotions came back, it felt like I was in a violent river of thoughts and feelings getting dragged along them without being able to really get a grasp of my mind. Now, I would describe my mental state as still being a violent river but also myself being outside it. Now I’m able to observe what is happening with a broader perspective. And with this new perspective I can somewhat see how I’ve been going down this path of self deprecation for a while now. I have always kind of been this way to a degree, but I just let it get worse as the years went by. It started with me feeling insecure when other kids at school were better at something than me. The thing that I didn’t realize at the moment was that they had put time and effort into it, while I hadn’t. Truth be told, I know that I’m not as incompetent as I’ve been telling myself since we came here. I have let my anxiety guide my actions far too often and only because I was afraid I won’t be enough. But now I can see how trusting my intuition and skills has actual value. Going along with Captain Liu or proactively shooting the drones was only possible because I wasn’t doubting myself all the time. I just did as much as I could without overestimating my abilities.

I’m aware that I still have doubts and worry about my interpersonal skills and self-confidence, but I can agree that I’ve been rising to the occasion fairly well until now… Hmmmm, it still feels weird to sing my praises so much, like I’m some kind of narcis- no! Stop that, that’s what I need to stop. Internalizing personality changes always takes time and effort… more than I expected really. Even so, when I falter and doubt myself in the future I will be able to remember this feeling of realization and get back on track. I feel like the GM is pleased with this development. It is weird to explain but it feels like looking at your parents smiling proud at you for a big achievement, even though I cannot see anything.

Ok, a few more days have passed and now I feel a bit more at ease with accepting my achievements. But then, why have I not been able to get out of this cave? this metaphor kind of sucks! The GM said with a calm tone “That is because you haven’t really answered the question. Although accepting your emotions is a commendable achievement, many people don’t manage that in their whole lives; it is still the first step of what I expect from you”. Alright, alright, I get it.

Hey GM Ignatius, I know you are hearing my thoughts, I know the answer now. The GM replied to me in its usual cal tone “very well, share your insights with me”. The reason why I acted so unlike me, taking the initiative and assuming responsibilities is because I was focused on what I could and needed to do… I knew my strengths and weaknesses and just thought about how to work with them. I want to help others in the ways only I can do, especially those close to me. As I finished saying those words I saw a light at the end of the tunnel.