This Is Going Into the Blackmail Folder

The last bell rang through the halls. Finally, my robot protocols released their death grip on my circuits. Six hours of non-stop cleaning had left me questioning my life choices. Who knew robots had it this rough?

I zoomed through the emptying corridors, searching for my body. No sign of it anywhere. Great.

"Psst! Over here, robo-Shiku!"

I spun around to find Gomi lounging against a wall, chewing on a blade of grass. The cow-manure smell hit my sensors before I even got close.

"Where have you been? I've been stuck cleaning bathrooms all day while Cleansuke's been playing professor with my body!"

"Chill." Gomi waved her hand lazily. "I was trying to figure out what the Headmaster wanted with you. You know, before this whole body-swap thing?"

"Did you find out?"

"Yeah. Overheard some girls talking during P.E." She smirked. "Apparently someone found a Yuri doujin in the library."

My circuits relaxed. Not the hacking. Thank god.

"Wait - what kind of Yuri doujin?" I rolled closer to Gomi.

"Does it matter?"

"It absolutely matters! Was it the new one from Fubuki-sensei?"

"Wait, look." Gomi pointed down the hall. Through my lens, I spotted Cleansuke walking toward the school exit.

We followed at a distance. Cleansuke moved with mechanical precision, stopping at each intersection, scanning both ways before crossing. Students cleared a path, whispering about the 'new Shiku.'

"Did she just sanitize the crosswalk button before pressing it?" Gomi snickered.

"This is painful to watch." I cringed as Cleansuke pulled out a handkerchief to wipe a stray leaf off someone's shoulder.

The walk home turned into an obstacle course of Cleansuke's compulsions. Cleansuke stopped to reorganize a newspaper stand, straightened every crooked sign, and even paused to help an old lady sort her recycling.

"At least my reputation's improving?" I muttered as we watched Cleansuke bow deeply to thank a shopkeeper for keeping their storefront tidy.

"Oh man. She's color-coding the convenience store's drink display."

"That's not even her job anymore!"

Cleansuke stood back to admire its work - rainbow rows of perfectly aligned bottles. A small crowd had gathered to watch. Someone started clapping.

"Your body's becoming a local celebrity." Gomi elbowed my metal frame.

Cleansuke then walked into the convenience store, making a beeline for the makeup section.

"What's she doing?" I rolled closer to the window display, my sensor zooming in.

Cleansuke's hands reached for the Nekoma display, fingers trailing over the sleek packaging with its color-shifting surface. The nanotechnology inside the containers swirled and sparkled under the fluorescent lights.

"Maybe she's finally gonna clean up that mess you call a face," Gomi drawled, pulling out a fresh piece of grass from her pocket.

"Hey! My face is perfectly fine!"

"Please. Your bangs look like they've been through a war zone, and don't get me started on those dark circles. Even my cows maintain better grooming habits."

Cleansuke carefully examined each Nekoma product, methodically reading the labels. The makeup shifted colors in response to my body's presence - pinks, purples, and blues swirling together like a digital aurora.

"This is ridiculous. Since when does a cleaning robot care about cosmetics?"

"Since it got stuck in your disaster of a body?" 

Cleansuke picked up a Nekoma foundation, holding it up to the light. The liquid inside morphed from beige to a perfect match for my skin tone.

"Oh god, she's actually going to buy it." I pressed my metal face against the glass. "Gomi, do something!"

"What, stop your body from finally learning basic self-care? No way."

A tall figure in oversized sunglasses and a face mask bumped into my possessed form, sending makeup samples scattering across the floor.

"Pardon me." The stranger's voice cracked. Wait - I knew that voice.

"Reiko Kuromiya?" My robotic crackled in surprise.

"Shh!" Gomi clamped her hand over my speaker. "Look."

Cleansuke dropped to its knees, methodically collecting each fallen sample. "These must be reorganized by shade gradient and molecular composition."

Reiko froze, her designer sunglasses slipping down her nose. "I... what?"

"Your disguise is inefficient." Cleansuke stood, arms full of makeup. "The hat's angle is 3.2 degrees off optimal coverage, and your mask's elastic shows signs of stress at precisely 47% capacity."

"I'm not... I mean..." Reiko tugged her hat lower.

"May I suggest the new Nekoma line?" Cleansuke began arranging the samples in a perfect spiral on a nearby display. "The nano-particles would provide 82.4% better concealment for your cosplay activities."

"How did you-"

"Your bag contains three separate wigs, and there's residual spirit gum on your left earlobe. Quite inefficient cleanup procedure."

I watched in horror as Cleansuke pulled out a sanitizing wipe and reached for Reiko's ear.

"This is actually painful to watch," I muttered.

"Are you kidding? This is gold." Gomi pulled out her phone, recording everything.

Cleansuke followed Reiko through the aisles like a possessed cleaning machine - which, technically, it was.

"Your foundation application is uneven by approximately 0.3 millimeters on the left cheekbone." Cleansuke produced another wipe from somewhere. "Allow me to optimize."

Reiko backed into a display of face masks. "That's... quite alright."

"Negative. Your pore cleansing routine requires immediate intervention. I detect last night's cosplay adhesive residue in sector three of your T-zone."

"How can you possibly-"

"I have compiled a list of seventeen improvements for your MoeMaster7000 costume construction. First, your wig fiber density is insufficient for optimal bounce dynamics."

Reiko's designer glasses slipped completely off, revealing wide eyes. "You know my cosplay handle?"

"Observation: Your latest Magical Girl Kira-Kira transformation sequence video had exactly 3.7% too much glitter dispersion."

"That was meant to be anonymous!" Reiko's voice jumped two octaves.

"The quantum sparkle ratio was inefficient. I can demonstrate proper application techniques." Cleansuke reached for a nearby glitter display.

"No! I mean... that won't be necessary." Reiko grabbed her fallen glasses, nearly dropping them again when Cleansuke started sanitizing the frames.

"Your lens cleaning technique lacks proper circular motion. Allow me to-"

"I just remembered I have a... thing!" Reiko clutched her bag to her chest, backing toward the exit. "A very important... business... thing."

"Your emergency escape route is inefficient. Allow me to optimize-"

Reiko bolted, nearly tripping over her platforms. Her hat flew off, revealing perfectly styled black hair. She snatched it mid-air without breaking stride and disappeared around the corner.

"Did... Did Cleansuke just out Reiko Kuromiya as a secret cosplayer?"

"Yup." Gomi lowered her phone, still recording. "And exposed her social media account."

"The student council president..."

Gomi grinned. "This is definitely going in my blackmail folder."