I Thought Darkness Only Lasted Till the Dawn

Everyone was in high spirits. We had finished with Topeka, which meant we could wrap it up and get to relaxing. There was cheering and fist bumps. Kissing and hugs all around. We were all exhausted. The heat just wreaked havoc on our bodies, oftentimes the citizens of any given city were crabby and demanding, yet --my crew stayed professional. Always! And when a city has fully been relocated, they immediately shift into celebratory mode. And my crew knows how to celebrate!

Cliff and Shade had made their way over to me, seemingly anxious, I’m sure, wondering what my plans were for them. I did a quick recap, filling them in on what I was expecting of them, after their well-earned vacation. They seemed pleased. “You guys can head out; I’ll talk to you soon.” They turned to leave, both waving at Ken as he walked up.

“What’s going on Bro?” His hand went to my shoulder. “Hey, a bunch of us are going to Schmitty’s. I’m heading to pick up Jessie. We could meet you there!” “You know, any other night I’d definitely go, but I need to…” “Yeah, I get it. How’s her Ma?” “I’m afraid it’s just a matter of time.”

Ken’s arm comes back up, resting on my shoulder. “How are you holding up? This has to be hard, working here all day and then spending your evenings with them. Are you sleeping there?”

“No, I head home every night.” “Bro…” Ken’s eyes soften. I take in a breath. “It’s been a lot.” “What can I do to help? Is there anything? Can you stay there now, I mean, since we’re done here? I could do the final reports, button stuff up for ya…” “I appreciate it, actually that’ll help immensely.” “Good! What about Haywire, Jessie can swing by and pick him up, whatever you need, let us help.” “You’re a good friend.” My hand went around his back as I gave him a light, brotherly smack.

----

The cottage was aglow wrapped in soft light shining through their windows. Smoke was swirling out of the chimney, and it looked picturesque, yet, I had this strange feeling. For the last week I've been showing up, wondering if this was the day.

Ailith was slipping further and further away from us and there was nothing I could do about it. That was difficult for me. I'm a fixer of problems, it's what I do. But this… the one thing in all my life that I wished I could fix - for the two women in my life that meant the most to me - There was nothing I could do to take away the pain. Nothing but stand by and watch it happen. And that thought left a sour taste in my mouth.

The uneasiness was palpable. Instead of knocking, I step up on the porch and peer into the living room windows. There’s no movement other than a fire burning. Nothing was happening in the kitchen, which was a rarity. I feared Elspeth had been in with her mother, possibly all day long. I worried about her health. She had to keep their little farm going plus take care of the needs of her mother and she was ignoring taking care of herself.

I walk back over to the door and try the knob. It pops open. “It's Alister.” There's no reply so I gingerly walk over to Ailith's bedroom door. I don’t know why I'm trying to be so quiet; her door is shut. A soft knock is followed by me calling out for Elspeth. There’s still no answer so now I'm trying to decide if it would be improper to crack open the door a sliver, just to let them know I'm here.

While I'm debating, the door slowly opens with a creek. Elspeth barely looks at me as she steps out, closing the door behind her. Her skin is almost ashen, and her eyes are bloodshot. She looks so disheveled. I'm scared to ask. I'm scared to even touch her. She's standing here right next to me, but she's a galaxy away.

“Elle.’ I speak her name softly, placing my hand on her shoulder. “Is she…” I can't say it. The words literally won’t leave my mouth. My body starts to shake and - until this very moment - I never knew how devastated I could feel. The thought of Ailith being gone from this earth is breaking my heart. I feel the sadness welling up from deep inside of me and as I look at Elspeth tears are building up, just waiting for an answer to my question that I don’t want to hear.

She finally looks up at me, her eyes immediately fill with tears, and I’m done. Tears are streaming down my cheeks at a rate I didn’t know was possible. I wrap my arms around her as she falls into them, sobbing.

My body's trembling, but I let my hand brush over her hair, shushing her, holding her. Pulling her in tighter and tighter to not only comfort her, but myself as well. Her body trembles against mine and I hold her tight, willing all the sadness to leave her. Knowing that it probably never will.

“When?” I find the strength to finally ask –into her hair. After a couple heavy sobs, followed by a few hiccups, she looks up at me. Tears and snot mingling all over her face. She nods. “She just passed.”

I can’t move. My feet are firmly planted where I’m standing. I have never been present when someone passes from this life. I’ve never even thought about what happens next for the deceased. Is there an afterlife, do they just quit existing? I’ve never bought into the whole heaven and hell thing. But as I stand here right now, I’m praying to a God that I hope is listening, asking them to take this angel to heaven.

There’s a real peace with the hope that she may be in a better place, a place where her body is free from the confines of this earth, and she can run and jump and sing and dance. A smile slides across my face. I don’t have a clue about any of this, but for a short moment, I’m picturing Ailith happily looking down at us, smiling as she looks around the place to see who she can take in Backgammon.

-

Time has stood still. I have no idea how long we’ve been in here. Elspeth is still looking down at her mother as silent tears continue to fall. I stay standing sentinel. My hand resting on her heaving shoulders. I’m exhausted, tired from a full day of shutting everything down at work, but I need to stay strong.

I can’t begin to imagine how Elle is feeling. I don’t have a right to ask her to leave this bedroom. I’m sad, for sure. But also starting to get a little freaked out with being in the same room as a corpse. I hate that those thoughts are cycling through my brain, but I can’t help having them. I’m a heartless bastard, trying to become a real human man. There are just too many variables to behaving like a decent person that it’s freaking me out a little. But I will continue to learn, to grow, to be everything she needs me to be.

Finally, Elle bends down, rearranging her mother’s hair, laying her arms back over the covers as she straightens all the bedding to be perfectly smoothed out. It’s the strangest thing, like she’s moving a doll around. Ailith is actually gone, her whole body is slack and cold and lifeless.

Elle finally turns to face me and just falls into my arms –limp and trembling. God, this is what I knew was coming down the bend and I hope I can be the man she needs me to be. My arms just envelope her, pulling her as close to me as humanly possible. If I could let her crawl inside of me and let me take all her pain away, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But --I’ll just be the arms she needs right now. I’ll keep her protected to the best of my ability.

It’s been quite a while, but my arms are strong, sturdy enough to carry her load for her. Slowly I move my legs, guiding her out of her mother’s room and into the living room. She barely notices, her face is buried into my chest but at least her legs move –or more like shuffle along.

I get her to sit on the couch with me. I have no idea how long we ended up there. The clock still isn’t ticking for us. We’re caught somewhere between this life and the next. I finally decide to open my mouth and speak. “Elle, I’ll stay here with you tonight. What do we need to do? Just tell me, I’ll take care of everything.”

Her body stiffens and that scares me. Did I speak too soon? Did I say something wrong? She literally pushes herself off of my chest and turns to face me. Her eyes are puffy, her lashes soaked in tears. Her lips are swollen, her nose bright red, along with her cheeks and ears. Snot and tears are everywhere. She doesn’t care, she doesn’t even notice.

Her mouth opens and then shuts and then opens again. “Thank you for being here. It means a lot to me.” “Of course I’d be here for you Elle, I love you.” A sad smile falls over her tired face. “I know you do. But still, thank you.”

She takes hold of my hand, wrapping her small fingers around mine. “Alister. I need you to listen to my words, okay?” My brow furrows. “Of course. What is it?” I can already tell she's set in her resolve. “I need you to leave.” I shift on the couch, stiffening my shoulders. “What do you mean… why would…” She cuts me off, placing her finger over my lips.

Her palm lands on my cheek and I instinctually lean into it. “I don’t want to go.” I can’t believe the sound of my own voice, I’ve reverted into being a little boy again and I’m frightened, afraid of losing her, losing this connection. She cuts me off again. “Alister, I need to do this alone. I’ve thought it through. A lot! This is a journey that I have to take on my own, you can’t go there with me.” “But I want to go there…” “Alister. Please. Hear my words –Honor my words.”

My head drops, her palm follows, still cupping my face. “I love you, but where I’m going, you can’t come. This is a road I will travel alone.” I lift my eyes to see her beautiful face. Her expression has softened, and she does it again, she looks past all my BS and sees me. I equally hate and love that she can stop me dead in my tracks. I nod. Upset, but understanding.

Her whole body shifts now as she climbs onto my lap. My face brightens, my hands wrap around her thighs. I start running my hands all along her back and bottom, feeling her, soothing her, loving her, as her hands clasp my face. She leans in and I go to meet her, our kiss smashing into the others. Within an instant, we’ve become desperate for each other.

She’s my everything! I have no questions about that. I’m all in, I’m all hers. She’s all I want, and as sad as this moment is, I’m making myself realize that this will be the start of our life together. By tomorrow or maybe the next day, she’ll be with me, always. I’ll take her into Beginning and show her where we will live together. A rush of excitement screams through my veins. I’ve never felt this way, so happy, so excited about something in my near future.

But tonight, her kisses feel so final. I know it comes from sadness and loss. A loss that is ripping through her. I try to take it all, to feel her pain and absorb it. It’ll take time, but she will eventually get to a point where this loss won’t rule her life, and I’ll be right there, beside her, shouldering her tears, and comforting her heart. I’ll be her shock-absorber, shouldering her grief, allowing her to heal.

We finally break away, both breathless, hearts pounding out of our chests. I’m almost at full mast, which I apologize to her about. She laughs at me. I couldn’t believe it! Through her tears and heartbreak, she laughed for me. My hand goes to her cheek as my thumb brushes over her jawline. She’s so incredible! Everything I could ever hope for.

“When would you like me to come back? First thing in the morning? I’m done with work for a while so I can help with anything… everything. Just tell me what you need.” I find myself rambling and she just sits in my lap, a soft smile on her face.

“Alister, it’s alright.” “But what about the arrangements? How… I mean,” My mind is blank. How do I talk about her vibrant, lovely mother as just a body now? I’ve got no friggin’ idea how to do this. “It’s alright, I have everything lined up. There’s nothing you need to do. I promise.”

“What about a service? Does that need to be planned, because I could do that –if you’d like me to. Did she have some favorite songs? What about a burial plot? Do you have people lined…” Her finger once again goes over my lips. I’m just stumbling all over myself. I don’t know how to be helpful.

“We don’t have a traditional service like that. I have it all set. Why don’t you come back in the early afternoon. That would be best for me.” I feel my shoulders drop. I’ve been revving myself up, talking with the guys, taking notes, preparing myself to be her everything –all without remembering what kind of woman she is.

She’s been used to taking everything on herself. She’s strong, independent, and stubborn. But that’s what I love about her. My breath leaves me rather rapidly. She smiles as her eyes soften. She’s reading my mind again. God…

“Listen darling. You’ve been exactly what I’ve needed. You’re everything I ever could have dreamed about. Thank you for being you, and for being here with me now. I couldn’t have gone through this without you.” “Elle --don’t talk like that. It sounds so final. I don’t like it.” “Hey, listen to my compliments and don’t interject, okay?”

Her hands smooth over my shoulders, dropping to my chest as they stay planted there. I’m sure she can feel the loud drumming of my heart against my ribcage. I don’t like this feeling; I hate the idea of leaving her alone in this cottage with her mother just on the other side of that door. None of this feels right but I have to trust her. The guys told me that trusting is one of the best ways I can show her that I love her. Ugh! It’s so dang hard!

She shifts herself, climbing off of my lap, and reaches her arm out to take my hand. I groan over exaggeratedly as she pulls me up, we burst out laughing. I’m scared for a moment, apologizing, not knowing if it’s disrespectful to laugh right after someone dies. “It’s okay Alister, I needed that.”

The two of us stand in complete silence. It’s strange, even though Ailith has been bedridden for several days now, the cottage is deafeningly quiet. I take Elle’s other hand, and we hold hands between us, our eyes locked on the other’s. My skin was prickling up and down my spine. The way Elspeth seemed so removed, yet more present than I’ve ever known a person to be –these feelings scared me to no end, and I felt jittery.

She knew I would never take the initiative to leave, she’d have to drag me away from her… which, after a while of us just being, she turned, leading me out their front door, across the porch, and down the front steps. There wasn’t even the slightest breeze out tonight and the sky was cloudy, leaving everything beyond the cottage, darker than anything I’d ever seen before. Murky vibes.

Even the river was moving slowly. Though we couldn’t see it, we heard it moving along, as the passing of time. I felt somber. Introspective. Desperate to learn and to grow. To become the man she deserves.

Elle stopped and turned to face me. The light from their window and screen door was just enough to make her appear to be glowing. Her watery eyes were smiling at me. Her head tipped, her smile slipped into place, and I ran my thumb over her bottom lip and then across her cheek as my hand snaked up into her hair so I could cup her head. She leaned even harder into it.

I came closer to her, smelling her lavender scent, feeling the softness of her skin as my cheek grazed over hers. She was purring. I was burning. Our lips cautiously found each other’s and we lightly, breathlessly kissed. My free hand slipped up under her sweater, swiping over the swells of her breast and she moaned into my mouth.

I knew we wouldn’t, couldn’t. Not tonight. Not like this. But just knowing that she wanted me too made me completely full to the brim with love. Her arms wrapped solidly around my midsection and our kiss took on a whole new desperation. Our tongues danced in unison, our lips caressed the others, teeth clicking, tongues seeking. Her hand slipped between us as she palmed me, pushing hard against my want.

My thumbs rubbed her peeks over and over again. Her skin underneath her sweater was so hot. I finally had to back away. Her eyes looked lost, like she had to remind herself as to where she was. And then that look returned. Steeling away the contentment she had reached with me. The reality of the loss of her mother grabbed her so tightly, I literally watched as it pulled her down.

“Elle, I really think I need to stay with you tonight.” I felt desperate, like I didn’t dare leave her, like something bad would happen if I wasn’t here with her. She stepped two steps back from me. Telling me I should head home.

I reached out, taking hold of her hand, begging her that I stay. “Good night Alister. I’m alright. I know what I’m doing. We’ll see each other tomorrow; it’s only a few hours away.” I started walking backwards, into the darkness, still holding her hand as she stepped a few steps with me, our arms stretched taut, our fingers slowly losing their grip, and then the connection was gone.

“Goodnight Elle,” I can’t turn away.

Her whole body is silhouetted by the cottage lights, she looks like someone from an exquisite oil painting, standing there in her flowing yellow skirt and cozy sweater, with the quintessential cottage as her backdrop. Her hair is down, disheveled looking yet having the effect as being windblown. And even though her face is tired, her eyes puffy, she is still a thing of beauty, and I can’t believe the love I have for this woman.

I can’t stand it. My heart is crashing against my ribcage so hard I’m certain my ribs will crack at any moment from the pressure. I lumber back to her, practically tripping over my own feet. “I love you.” I breathe out when I reach her as my arms pull her into me.

She embraces me fully; her hands move up into my hairline as she pulls me down to her while she’s raising herself on her tiptoes. But before our lips touch, her eyes draw me into her in an unspoken plea, so much emotion swirling in those dark-brown pools I have swam in so many times.

Her building panic is palpable, I feel it like sludge pouring down my own throat, suffocating me. It’s that real. She’s so scared. I see it. I want to take all of those emotions and place them on me. I want to carry this burden, but I can’t and it’s killing me.

And just like that, a resolve falls over her once again. She’s so damn strong. If only she didn’t have to be, if only she’d let me share her burdens. But instead, her swollen, moist lips fall over mine as the softest little moan escapes her mouth and just like that, I’m lost in her. I mark our time in thunderous heartbeats. Now my heart is pounding for her, for us, for the hope of our future.

I have never been this ripped apart before. Longing for something so tangible, yet so far removed from the here and now. Ailith’s death has opened up a whole new world for me and just having those thoughts sends an earthquake of emotions tearing through me. Although, as strong as her want is for me, her resolve is stronger. And so, she breaks from me. Her palms immediately landing flat against my chest, refraining me from taking her back into my arms.

“I love you too Alister. More than you’ll ever know.”

With those words haunting my every thought, I made my way back home. Feeling a huge hole in the center of my chest where my heart should be. I realized I left it back there with her. As frightened as I was to leave her, I know she’ll hold my heart with the utmost care, as I will hers. Tomorrow is only a few hours away. I’ll just keep reminding myself of that… Probably all through the sleepless night.