The Breakdown

Who am I? I am a statue, a ghost, a madman. A bad, bad woman. A bloodsucker, a snake, a visage. The mirror is broken again, and I am empty. I don’t want to be human.

A knock. “Is everything all right in there?”

Cass looked to the bathroom door, then back again at the broken mirror pieces shattered all over the sink. He didn’t know how to explain that he had broken another one. Sylk had to be getting tired of living with someone like him. In the reflection, his face was fractured. It was the most accurate description of what he felt like. Felt. He didn’t know what it meant, to feel. He couldn’t possibly.

“I’m going to unlock the door, okay. Tell me what your name is tonight and I’ll figure out how to help!”

Cass rubbed their face, trying to think, trying to breathe. He spotted the gray face paint on the shower caddy and grabbed it. He got a bottle of hair gel and put it on his forehead before pushing it back, slicking his hair until there wasn’t a strand that could fly out of place. The doorknob jiggled. He started to apply the gray face paint to his arms, and then onto his cheeks and forehead. It was messy, but it would work.

“Cas- Cascadia.”

Without a beat, Sylk was able to unlock the bathroom door. It was the type where all she had to do was stick something thin into the lock hole, and she carried hair pins and sewing needles on her since she was a fashion major. At least, that was her excuse. Cascadia suspected that it was because of her. Because of moments like this.

Sylk came in with long dark violet hair trailing behind her, immediately bringing Cascadia into her arms for a hug. Cascadia had never known a friend like her. However, she didn’t return the hug.

“Okay, Cascadia. Let’s get out of the bathroom, first and foremost,” Sylk gently pulled Cascadia’s hands, leading her away from the broken glass. Cascadia was stiff as she followed after her, her knees becoming straighter with every second. On her arms were splattered patches of gray paint. Her hair was slicked back with a mountain of gel, and crusty from being sprayed with gray hair color.

“Couch, couch, couch,” Sylk quickly tugged Cascadia onwards, trying to get her into a sitting position as fast as possible.

Cascadia sat on the old brown couch, then became completely still. Her breathing slowed. All was quiet. She was a statue.

Sylk sighed. She sat down on the other end of the couch and looked forward at their blank television that was part of the wall display. She didn’t bother meeting Cascadia’s eyes because she knew that Cascadia wouldn’t turn and look at her. That was who she was, or rather what it was. Cascadia was a statue, silent and unmoving. Until Cascadia was ready to become someone else, she wouldn’t speak or interact with anything.

“Since I know you won’t respond to me, this is a good time to talk to you. You don’t have any choice but to listen. It’s not going to be happy news. Well, for you, it may be neutral… I don’t know. I don’t know what you think of me and my presence in your life…” Sylk glanced at Cascadia, but her roommate’s expression was blank and unreadable. She pushed a strand of her purple hair behind her ear before continuing.

“Well, I’m going abroad next semester. I won’t be back until graduation. It’s our last year and I wanted to experience some of the world, you know? Rowan university has a really great abroad program, and we’ve only ever done one week abroad at most, but I want to do it for longer. I would feel like I’m wasting my time here if I didn’t go abroad for a semester. I’m thinking about Fransain or Greenland. They have really good fashion industries there.”

Sylk began to chew her fingernails. It was a nervous habit. She was reconsidering doing this while her roommate was Cascadia, because now she wouldn’t get their opinion on the matter until later. All this effort to avoid a proper confrontation. Still, she figured that she should finish what she had to say.

“This means you won’t see me for a while. We’re already almost halfway through this semester, and I wanted to let you know before finals because I care about you... I know the break up fucked you up. You won’t admit it, but the break up fucked you up really bad. She broke you. I can’t be the one to pick up the pieces. I’m always the one who picks up the pieces. When I was born as a soul seer, my family wanted me to help them with everything. They wanted me to be their soulerist since they couldn’t afford to see one themselves. It became a habit for me to always help them, and never myself. I hate that mirror too, you know. When I look at it, I see my soul staring back at me. The one I let grow into something monsterish. I-” Sylk stopped herself. She realized she was going on a tangent. It was really easy to vent to Cascadia, someone who only listened.

She let the silence settle for a bit. The only sounds were the occasional hover car that would pass by the window, and the indiscriminate hum of their little apartment complex.

Sylk sucked in a breath. “I hope you’ll miss me. That’s what I hope,” Sylk stood up and walked towards the hallway, but she stopped right before leaving, then turned back towards Cascadia and smiled.

“Let’s not fix the mirror anymore. Let’s keep it broken this time! We’ll be the weirdos with no bathroom mirror. I can see the headlines now,” Sylk giggled and walked into the hallway to go to her bedroom.

Once Cascadia was left alone, she continued to stay silent and still. Somewhere, deep down in her gut, she felt a pang of something. Perhaps indigestion. She felt something cold and wet trailing down her face. Perhaps a bug. Cascadia was a statue, and statues could feel even less than a soulless person could. There was no such thing as emptiness.

In the cold and quiet living room, Cascadia counted the seconds ticking by. The arm that was resting on the couch handle was definitely getting gray paint all over the leather. Some of the more artistic characters like Cascadia and Caspian had to have a lot of preparation time, but sometimes Cass wanted to be them without warning. Usually Cascadia’s statue position and location would be thought out better, but today was different.

It was because of the photo. Cascadia was trying to find images she’d taken last year when her class went to a museum, but she found one of her and Mina posing in front of Starry Night. She threw her phone at the mirror. She didn’t want to see it, and she didn't want to be a human person anymore in the moments after. Just a statue, collecting dust in a dark living room.

Her thoughts raced, but eventually she learned to calm them down. She learned to accept the silence and the solitude. Next semester, she was going to be alone. Sylk probably didn’t want say it outright to Cascadia, but she knew deep down that her roommate had to be tired of breakdowns like this. It hurt, but it was okay. It only hurt because Cascadia was getting too used to Sylk’s presence. It would be good for both of them to get a break from one another. Sylk deserved better friends, and Cascadia needed to go back to not getting close with anyone.

Cascadia’s exhaustion eventually overcame her need to be a statue, and she finally let her body relax. Her muscles were aching from being stiff for so long. When she finally craned her neck to check the time, it was 3:04am. She’d been there for four hours.

She grasped onto the arm rest and used it to stand. Her legs shook, and she fell to her knee for a moment before standing back up. She wiped up the gray paint from the floors and walls and couch, went into the bathroom to clean up the mirror shards. Cascadia turned on the shower, sat in the bathtub, and let the gray wash off of her, all the while staying in a fetal position. She imagined that she was sitting underneath a waterfall, away from everything.

Tomorrow she had class at 9am. She leaned her head onto the back of the shower wall and wondered who she should be. For classes, she was usually Cassidy. Most of her peers knew her as such. However, some poetic sense in her wanted her to be someone else. Once Cascadia was finally washed off of her aching body, she’d know for sure.