"Mysterious Robo-Girl X"

Billy Sodenholzer found her in the Sunset District of western Saint Francisco. 

The prank war was sheer madness, and only added to Billy’s misgivings about humanity. His only friend - and that was a strong word - aboard the Asskicker was Haraguchi, who had apparently been arrested in Neo-Neon Tokyo for kidnapping. Billy was all alone, as he always was, unable to understand the people around him.

But robots. Robots were logical. Their actions always made sense.

After the pieing of Romulus-1, Billy went AWOL. By the time the Asskicker returned to Earth, he had jury-rigged a broken recon drone back to life in the space-sloop's trash area. During a routine garbage disposal, Billy and the drone slipped past the labor-bots into the dead of night. 

His fellow deck officers certainly would’ve noticed his absence by now. But so far, he hadn’t been caught. He only had one destination in mind - the Saint Francisco apartment of Mysterious Robo-Girl X. He had come to realize that their time together was no strange dream - they had truly spent that week with one another in Australia. Standing in the hallway of her building, tired and worn out from the trek home, his hand trembled as he knocked on the door.

A moment later, it opened, and she was there. X would’ve been a better human than most. She was petite, artificial skin covering stainless steel skeleton, shaggy black hair made of polyethylene. She was barefoot, wearing a long sweater that said I LOVE CAKE across the front.

Time stood still. She didn’t look surprised. But she leaned forward when Billy came in for a hug. Billy felt all the exhaustion of the past few days - if not a lifetime - drift away. The warmth of her skin, the messy hair, the way she always looked a little amused and greatly interested in whatever he had to say. He was a head taller; she stood on her toes when they kissed.

“I can’t believe I found you,” Billy said in an amazed tone as she let him inside. Considering robots didn’t need to eat or nothing, her apartment was generally empty, outside of several cans of lubricants and oil and that gigantic pinboard filled with red yarn connecting dozens of conspiracies. But that was just a quirk of hers.

“I’m not,” X admitted. She always spoke softly, not quite monotone, but not quite a full range of emotion. “I won’t lie, Billy. I saw your recent Hypernet posts. I still possess our old data. I knew there was at least a 92.04% chance of you going AWOL. And a 98.5% chance of your capture and imprisonment without a solid destination in mind.”

Billy sighed and smiled. “Thanks for believing in me. So you were the one who sent me that anonymous message with your location. I thought I was being set-up, but it’s not like I had anywhere else to go.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “I don’t suppose you sent me that message also because you missed me?”

“I’m a robot,” X replied. “I’m not capable of ‘missing’ anyone. I was just curious as to how you were doing, and cognizant of the dangers to your safety.”

“Curious enough to kiss me back there?”

“Indeed. I was just curious to see if you had gotten better at it. Last time we were together, I jailbroke my software so it could mimic the sensation of ‘pleasure’ within me. But you were so bad at it, that I thought it was defective.”

Billy stepped closer. “Then let me prove its effectiveness-”

X raised a hand. “No time. I’m still cognizant of danger. Things are moving fast. I separated from you last time due concerns over your safety. Those concerns have only heightened.” She gestured at the conspiracy pinboard, which featured the Milky Way in the center, red yarn crisscrossing at various points. “Everyone is in danger. I would’ve preferred to keep you at arm’s length still, but your probability of going AWOL and the likelihood of subsequent capture forced my hand.”

“I can take care of myself,” Billy protested. “I’m not a greenhorn no more. I’m a deck officer. I mean, was one, at least…this great danger is why I remembered you. I was being interrogated by the Martians when I remembered what you told me during our time together. Say, how’d the Martians know about us?”

“They didn’t,” X calculated as she started placing supplies into a backpack. “I intercepted their communications after the interrogation. They were looking to force out anything Lawrence might’ve told you about Project Pi. They specifically kidnapped you because your disappearance and imprisonment could be justified with charges of smuggling. It was only coincidence you recalled me.”

Billy pondered that. “Coincidence…no, it was a miracle. Because it made me remember you. That week we spent together was the best week of my life.”

X paused. A tiny smile crept across her face. “As it was mine.”

“Then why’d you have to make me think it was all a dream?”

The smile disappeared. “I told you this before. My code glitched to create a curiosity mutation. I would’ve been content to serve as a cook-bot otherwise. My primary purpose, which was once cooking, is now information-gathering. It is a dangerous business, and nobody will mourn my demise. I calculated that you remaining with me would greatly increase the chances of your early demise.”

“Greatly increase, huh?” Billy stepped towards her, hands slipping over hers. “What’s the whole truth?”

X’s hands didn’t tremble. Billy wondered if they would’ve.

“I calculated a 99.99% repeating chance,” X explained quietly, “that if you stayed with me, I would lose sight of everything else, and only collect information about you. I was young then. Not that far from the assembly line. I wanted to learn everything. I chose this over you.”

Her hands slipped from his and grabbed the bottom of her sweater. Her face didn’t blush. Billy wondered if it would’ve.

X looked up at him. “And I am sorry for that.”

Billy pulled her in close. “Then run away with me,” he whispered. “The end of the world is here. Let’s go enjoy it somewhere quiet, just the two of us.”

She remained quiet. Billy could tell, within that artificial skull of hers, that a long formula was being calculated, not unlike the chemical reactions within our own brains…

“We can’t,” X finally concluded, speaking into his shoulder. “Should Project Pi succeed, then nowhere is safe.”

She separated a little, him still holding her, and placed a…waddya call it…flashdrive into her backpack. “We must take this information to Kajanas. Only he has the ability now to stop Lawrence. Tachyon communications between Earth and Mars have been cut since the war broke out. We’ll take the physical version to him.”

“What’s on the drive?”

“The full truth of Project Pi.”

“You figured it out? What is it?”

“It’s-”

She paused. Her eyes were on the front door.

“We got company.”

X took Billy’s hand and led him to a back door connected to a balcony right as booby-traps activated across the hallway outside of the apartment (I deactivated them for you, clarified X). There were several cries as what must’ve been a comically-sized anvil fell on the heads of the attackers.

Billy was about to close the back door when the front door opened. He glanced back and his eyes widened.

“Hello,” Grace Pillow greeted, raygun in hand.