Flowing or Swept Away?

In front of me now there is Smith Vernon, who looks very calm and composed, almost as if this is just a casual match to him. In a way, it feels like he captivates me with his aura of calmness, which I think will be dangerous if I ever get sucked in.

A mistake that I had fallen into multiple times in the past.

Game starts with d4, knight f6, c4, e6, knight f3. It's the Indian defense.

This leaves his king open, that gives me an opportunity to gain tempo by checking his king with a bishop.

I have to keep the pressure on and not leave any opening for him to counter-attack, however it is.

I traded my bishop with a knight and began improving my position to initiate an attack on the king's side. He moves his queen to attack my knight back, and I defend it with a pawn to f5, now it's solid at the center of the board with a pawn and a bishop defending it.

He pushes his d pawn forward, and after a pawn trade, I'm worse, a lot worse than I thought I was. That pawn is not only being defended by a rook, taking spaces off my side, it also cut off my bishop from my knight.

No, this whole time I am in his game, he has control over the board. This whole time, he's not in danger, he is the danger.

The counter-attack has come, he kicks my knight off its square, and he chases it all around until it's now useless. All the while his attack keeps coming at me relentlessly, and I can't find a way to survive.

I keep trying to find a way, but there is no way out of here, I am surrounded, his pieces began infiltrating my side, and it's all over.

I extend my hand over the board, "I resign."

He steps out of the room without making a sound, while I stare at the board, trying to process what just happened.

Why did I fall into his play, again? I am, I can't, why can't I be just, better, right? Am I not studying hard enough? So I am getting destroyed again?

Wait, no it can't be. It can't be that I play just like the person yesterday, no. My play is cleaner than his desperate attempt to chase a win, no?

Or, I am not good enough.

I am always not good enough.

I can't do anything good.

This is why, I can't achieve anything in my life that is worth it, you could argue that being a grandmaster is impressive in itself, but it's not that impressive. There are people who are much younger than me that have achieved more, without destroying themselves inside out.

How could I survive in this world?

I know I have to keep studying, but, when the reality hits, I fall down a cliff. I can take a loss or two, but not complete obliteration like that.

I don't know if I could survive much longer, but I have to if I want to be alive.

Because I will drown if I'm not in this space where I have a remote chance of competing.