16-18 Innocent games, Exhausting mind, Pray again and again

#16 Innocent games

When I started destroying my identity I was removing anything related to fantasy, violence from my life even when I loved the things I was abandoning.

At the time I got into game dev and started making some games. I was forcing myself to make them as peaceful as possible. My first game was named _______, the point was that a power outage happened and you went to refill batteries with happiness. When you finished it just said that everyone was happy.

Later most of my games were puzzle. I also started working on an openworld game called Peaceland. It had procedurally generated terrain, but I didn’t include any creatures definitely not hostile ones. I planned for one that would act as players assistant but never got finished.

I also made a 2 player game called ______. I couldn’t handle the thought that I made a competitive game. I removed it from internet and wiped all backups. In similar way I destroyed 3 other games I made for various reasons.

#17 Exhausting mind

I was once working on a game called Peaceland. At that time I was full of anxiety so working on that game was hard. I was limiting the things I could do in life at the time so I kept working on it all the time.

I worked on it day and night, whenever I was somewhere else I was thinking of it and how would I progress. When I walked outside I thought of different things I wanted to implement and how to. I had no self-care at the time. As my mental health was declining over the years so was my self care.

I was exhausted but kept working on it, again, again and again not getting the rest I needed. I didn’t even have many places to rest. My insane mind was always making my life hell either way and I’ve gotten used to the pain.

One evening I just started laughing on and on and on. I couldn’t work anymore and yet I did. The game was never finished, other matters in life butted in and when they ended I never returned to making it.

#18 Pray again and again

At one point I started thinking “Do what god wants and he will save you.”. Of course it didn’t work as it was just a placebo. I didn’t realize back then desperately wanting a way out of my insanity.

One thing I started doing was praying 3 times a day. When I prayed I feared that I somehow prayed disrespectfully or wrong so I usually ended up praying for 10-20 minutes or longer. I hated it, I felt like it was ripping me apart but I continued.

This destroyed my morning routine. I used to wake up an hour early to have time for myself before a day started. It changed to praying the 1. half and feeling like shit the second.

Months after that I stopped with my morning routine and woke up as late as possible, the praying was not the only factor why, but was a big part of it.