13-15 Trip to kindergarden, Danger of past, Becoming corrupted

#13 Trip to kindergarden

This one is going to be special. Around 20 seconds ago I dropped the book that I am writing this on, on the other side of a fence to a kindergarden. I first write to book and then rewrite on computer.

I jumped over the fence, it’s made of blocky bars. From time to time there are people walking behind me on a pavement. I didn’t drop it on accident. I wanted an excuse for climbing over. As I write this I sit on a trunk of a cut down tree. Partially in shade while sun still lights the pages of this book.

If anyone walks by he can see a random guy in an empty, fenced off kindergarden writing something in his book.

I actually planned for this yesterday when walking by, it felt forbidden and I was anxious of doing it so I put it on my todo-atleast-once-in-life list.

There are birds walking around, sun shining, shade of trees and overall peaceful atmosphere except the sun killing my eyes. I guess I’ll head back.

#14 Danger of past

I was cleaning my drawer and found a book. I wrote that book. Now I was ripping its pages away. Shredding them to bits. Mixing the bits with water. Adding soap. Throwing it out to garbage. I think I threw them in the big bins outside of some apartments on a street.

It was a book I wrote when I was insane. I was still insane when I destroyed it. I didn’t want to see my past. Didn’t want to see the theories that were intruding on my mind back then.

Later I regretted it. I wanted that piece of past back. Sadly there was no way. Same happened with many other things. When I deemed them unpleasant to look at or they were bringing me intrusive thoughts I discarded them.

Among those things was a playable snake game on rgb keyboard along with any photos, videos involving it. No mark was left behind.

#15 Becoming corrupted

When I had my first crush one of the rules I established for myself was to show what I feel, who I am, being honest.

Later when I was with her after becoming insane I realized I no longer could. I’ve been wearing a mask for some time at that point. Withholding the secrets of my mind from outside. I was way too scared and careful to not reveal myself.

Over time with bad things piling up I stopped believing in the good of life and people. Recently visiting my elementary school and an event they were organizing made me realize this. Remembering the old times and seeing them now made me feel like I don’t belong, too dipped in darkness.

I can’t seem to enjoy love songs either. In my current state its hard to love things. With my mask and social anxiety I can’t even imagine a sincere relationship. I am working on those things but it’s hard.