Chapter 332:

Opening act

En Passant Grandmaster

After a short think, Maida decided to open by moving her pawn to e4.

"Oh wow, now I can play Alekhine's Defense. Say, isn't Alekhine the guy the metals on the periodic table are named after?" Ichiko asked as she moved her knight to f6.

"You're thinking of ALKALI metals," Maida snarled as she moved her pawn to e5.

"Alkali, Alekhine, tomato, tomato says I," Ichiko smiled as she moved her knight to d5.

"And annoyed as always, says I," Maida growled as she moved her pawn to d4.

From the audience, Okisato, Iori, and Alya all watched intently. More people had also begun to straggle in.

"Wait, that lousy comedian plays chess? Let me take a shot next! I'd love to make a joke out of her on the chessboard, a man with bleached white hair smirked as he held up a stack of cash.

"Sorry, one match only. Now you gonna use that cash to buy a ticket?" the usher growled.

"Why should I!?"

"Then how about if I win, you buy every ticket, and refreshments for everyone?" Ichiko called out as she moved her pawn to d6.

"How do I know this ain't all an act!?"

"Oh, if it's an act, then that counts as a show right? So you gotta pay to watch it anyway."

Everyone went silent.

"Yeah screw this, I'm leaving," the man grumbled as he pocketed his cash.

"I'll pay for your ticket, so feel free to stay and watch," Okisato called out as he flashed a 100 euro bill.

The man glared and nodded, storming up to Okisato and sitting down right behind him. "Your name, punk?"

"Okisato Tanabe."

"'Tanabe Okisato'..."

The man pulled up his WWCF card, giving Okisato a brief glimpse at his stats. His name was Gojko Gojković, and he currently represented Slovenia. His rating was 2500 even, and he had the grandmaster title.

He definitely seemed like the cocky type, but he quickly began scowling as he realized who Okisato really was. "2700... Damn kids keep getting younger."

Back on the board, some minor action had taken place in the form of Maida moving her knight to f3, and Ichiko deciding to capture the pawn at e5 with her d-pawn. Maida quickly captured the pawn at e5 with her knight, but after Ichiko moved her pawn to g6, she did something unexpected and captured the pawn at f7 with her knight.

"Uh, you misslip?" Ichiko nervously laughed as Maida shot her a glare.

"No I didn't. It's called a gambit."

"Well, horsey for me! Uhp, where'd it go?" Ichiko cried as she captured the knight at f7 with her king, holding said captured knight out behind her as she pretended to look for it on the board.

"Oh stop the theatrics. But if there is something you've lost and will never get back, it's your castling rights," Maida glared as she moved her pawn to g4.

Ichiko simply went silent, nodding and moving her knight to c6. Maida clicked her tongue and moved her queen to e2, but the moment she did, Ichiko quickly captured the pawn at d4 with her knight as audible groans escaped the lips of many in the ever growing audience.

"Well good thing the punk paid for me, otherwise I'd have gotten scammed," Gojko grumbled as Maida moved her queen to d1.

"How so? To my knowledge, Maida-sensei hates Ichi-ro and would never collude with her," Okisato countered as Ichiko moved her knight to b4.

Gojko went silent once more and watched as Maida moved her knight to a3. "Well, maybe I need to do some digging myself, he thought as he scanned both Maida and Ichiko with his WWCF card.

Seeing the two ratings of 1403 and 2003, he shook his head in disappointment. "Well guess we're all becoming her punchline."

"Somebody say "punchline"? Cuz I got a Check and a block!" Ichiko smiled as she captured the pawn at c2 with her d-knight.

Silence ensured.

"Come on, no laugh track?"

"No, because no one is laughing at that cringe you call humor," Maida growled as she captured the knight at c2 with her knight.

Ichiko smiled and stood up, grabbing her queen as she began pacing around and attempting to sing. "Say, ever been to Europe? Not central, not east, not west, not north. I'm talking down south by the Adriatic sea. There's a nation there with a tiny strip of sea land. But I've never been there... But when asked if I have... I say..."

At that moment Ichiko charged for the board, leaping up and pulling her hand back. "¡ARTILLERÍA! No soy un bekrija bosnio. ¡ARTILLERÍA! No hablo bosnio. ¡Heyyeeeyy! ¡Nunca he estado en Bosnia [ARTILLERY! I'm not a Bosnian bekrija. ARTILLERY! I don't speak Bosnian. Heyeeeyy! I've bever been to Bosnia]!" she sang as she captured the queen at d1 with her queen, sending said captured queen flying off before it disintegrated into the air a few seconds later.

Okisato turned to look around. He didn't see any of the Bosnians he knew about lurking in the crowd, but it was possible one he didn't know about could be present. And if that was the case, there was no telling if they were the hotblooded type like the Artiljerijas or more calm like Sejad. But nobody seemed to be rushing up towards the stage in fury, so all seemed good.

But one who was clearly annoyed by the display was Maida, who promptly captured the queen at d1 with her king. "What was that supposed to be?"

"Me parodying what the Bosnians have been doing in the tournament. CHECK out the replays if you don't know what I'm talking about," Ichiko smiled as she captured the pawn at g4 with her bishop.

"I'm a busy woman," Maida snarled as she moved her pawn to f3.

"Clearly, otherwise you'd actually have time to study chess, or should I say CHECK it out," Ichiko smirked as she captured the pawn at f3 with her bishop.

Everyone in the audience cringed.

"That actually could have been fire, but she botched it at the end with that lame-o pun," Iori grumbled.

"Um? How was that lame? That's MY catchphrase," a woman with short white hair with red and blue higlights scowled.

Both Alya and Iori did a double-take as the recognized the woman. "YO! It's the "Czech me out" girl!"

"That's right! Czech me out, cuz I'm Lucie Čechová, the checkmating queen of Czechaslovakia!" the woman proclaimed aloud.

"Does the audience mind!?" Maida growled as she moved her bishop to e2.

"They're not interfering. Want me to... Check!?" Ichiko giggled as she moved her rook to d8.

"No, in fact I'd recommend you gag yourself with something," Maida snarled as she moved her bishop to d2.

"But I don't have a laugh tape," Ichiko frowned as she moved her bishop to h6.

"Then stuff a napkin in your mouth," Maida growled as she captured the bishop at f3 with her bishop.

"No way, I'm not CHECKING that kink out," Ichiko laughed as she captured the bishop at d2 with her rook.

The move however frustrated Maida more than the bad pun, as thanks to the bishop lurking all the way at h6, she couldn't capture the rook at d2 with her king, instead being forced to move her king to c1.

"Why the scowl? Was it something I checked?" Ichiko snickered as she captured the knight at c2 with her rook.

"If you have some glue on you, use it to seal your damn mouth shut," Maida growled as she moved her king to b1.

"Ah, is Mañana getting antsy that she's about to lose?" Ichiko smirked as she moved her rook to d8.

"No, I'm not," Maida retorted as she moved her bishop to g4.

"Hmm... So what's the punchline?" Ichiko asked as she moved her d-rook to d2.

"'The punchline'? There is none. Check," Maida glared as she moved her rook to f1.

"Hold up, I can't check just yet! Give me a move, please!" Ichiko begged as she moved her king to e8.

"I won't give you an inch," Maida snarled as she moved her bishop to d1.

"Oh, but you gave me a mile... and a big fat pay CHECK!" Ichiko triumphantly shouted as she captured the pawn at b2 with her rook.

At this point, Maida finally realized the state of things and sunk her face into her hands. "I'm never going to live this down," she thought as she dejectedly moved her king to c1.

"And now, drum roll please, budadadadadadadada! Checkmate. Sorry Mañana, you lose so now I'm shaving that bald head of yours, nice and squeaky clean. That's the opening act, folks!" Ichiko laughed as she moved her knight to d3, winning the game.

Maida had been completely outplayed, and by the one woman she couldn't stand more than anyone. And worse, she was about to relive the traumatic moment of her high school talent show, a moment she deemed one of the most humiliating in her entire life, though now it looked like it was about to be replaced with a far more humiliating one.

The full game:

White: Mayana Maida (1403) Black: Ichiko Rojas (2003)

1. e4 Nf6

2. e5 Nd5

3. d4 d6

4. Nf3 dxe5

5. Nxe5 g6

6. Nxf7 Kxf7

7. g4 Nc6

8. Qe2 Nxd4

9. Qd1 Nb4

10. Na3 Ndxc2+