The Death of Jiro Watanabe

It’s not often that one dies in the middle of the celebration of one’s life but my consciousness faded away to the sound of party poppers and cheers. At that point though I could barely register that I was even alive in the first place. I spent all my time observing without thought. I wheezed instead of breathed and choked on the air. My existence by the end was little more that just that: existence. There was no meaning to my life by that point.

My arms and legs had lost all feeling and my chest felt like it was being blown up like a balloon. I exhaled and inhaled but my lungs would no longer expand. Black spots expanded in my vision. Party poppers exploded and then I could no longer hear a thing.

All sensation had left me but it really made little difference to my existence. I had stopped being able to process anything for over a year now. Why I had somehow been able to keep on living was a question only God could answer. What mattered now was that my life was now over, I no longer had to keep existing. I could now, finally rest.

“Your name?”

An obese glowing man with wings and no face asked me a question.

“Watanabe Jiro” I automatically responded.

“Jiro. Very good.” He seemed to be looking at something but it wasn’t visible to me.

My name was Jiro. I hadn’t used that name or been aware of it’s existence in almost 10 years. A sense of pride welled up within me, a warmth spread through my cheeks.

“Very good, very good.” The obese angel nodded. Was he talking to someone?

“No, I am not. Your preliminary evaluation has been completed. You may proceed into that office.” The angel gestured to a door in the middle of the bright white space. There wasn’t anything else in this place.

I automatically approached the door. It opened and I entered. For whatever reason none of this seemed weird to me. I’d never been here before and I had no idea how I’d gotten here yet I didn’t question anything.

“Congratulations”

A big sign hung from the ceiling behind a large desk at the far end of the office. The room seemed to be as large as the one I’d just left, in fact it looked identical except for the suggestion of walls and a solid desk.

A tall glowing man with glasses, no face, and wings stood behind the desk in a T-pose.

“Congratulations!” The man cheered.

I looked up at the sign then back at the man.

“I’m dead” I stated matter-of-factly.

“Very good. Yes. That, however, is beside the point.” The man put down his glowing white mitts.

“Is this what comes next?”

“Full transparency. No. For 98% of people the end is the void. You just stop existing.”

“I’m not special. I didn’t do anything differently that that 98%.”

“And yet here you are.”

I felt cheated. Most people would be glad to still be alive, but I’d suffered life for so long. I had been ready to fall into endless sleep.

“There are two things of interest to us up here which you accomplished in your time on Earth. One, you lived to 158 years old! No other person in history has lived or will live as long as you did.”

“I had nothing to do with that” I really couldn’t explain why I lived as long as I did. I would have thought it was God’s will but it seems even these people who I assumed were angels were taken aback by longevity.

“I can’t peel back the “behind-the-scenes” goings-on too much but God doesn’t really talk to us much. You might be Chosen, or perhaps a lower “g” god did some meddling, or maybe it was just a matter of luck that kept you alive. Did you live that long because you’re special or did living that long make you special? The answer doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. You are special whether you believe it or not.”

I’d lived a very uneventful life. The most noteworthy thing was how long I lived that life for. I’d never been married or even had any long term girlfriends. No kids. My parents died in my 30s. One brother who died at age 72. He had a family and so I had several nieces and nephews, but they had very little interest in me other than the publicity of being related to the oldest living person.

“What is the other reason? I can’t thin of a single other remarkable thing about me or my family.”

“It’s not remarkable by itself but when combined with your longevity, you could say it earned you certain bonuses.”

Nope, it wasn’t coming to me. “I’m sorry. I really don’t know.”

“Congratulations, Jiro Watanabe, on being the oldest living virgin to ever exist.”

“Huh?”

“You never had intercourse in your whole life.”

“Huh?”

“You never became physically intimate with a single other person of any gender throughout the course of your existence.”

“Huh?”

“You had opportunities and you totally blew it every time. 158 years.”

My mind had stopped, I felt like I was once again in that hospitable bed practically catatonic.

“We were very impressed.”

The fat angel suddenly appeared at his right side and third angel with a weird cape on his left.

“It was, of course, your longevity that cinched it. The last five years your believers nearly tripled. You’d amassed more faith that any single human has managed to garner in the last 300. Don’t misunderstand, that wasn’t what kept you alive. Humans do not have the ability to harness faith in the same way gods do.”

I should have been freaking out right now, actually I should have been freaking out from the moment I got here but I was somehow completely calm. That didn’t stop me from wondering where the hell they were going with this.

“Yes. Very good. I should be getting to the point. We would like to reward you for your effort in maintaining your chastity while on Earth. However, my friend with the cape is not certain if what you accomplished was simply a fluke or possibly a product of your environment. Birthrates on Earth overall have dipped in the last 500 years.”

It was something I’d heard many times. Earthquakes and the eruption of Mt. Fuji had rendered Japan nearly uninhabitable, a majority of the remaining Japanese citizens headed to Canada as the US had recently undergone a major political upheaval leading into a 2nd civil war. Shin Nihon was established as an official independent territory within Canada’s borders just before I was born. That’s where I grew up. The last 200 years had been an extremely chaotic time. Luckily things had begun to stabilize in the last 20 years as the next generation finally came of age and began steering things in a better direction. All this is to say, making babies was not the priority for the people of my generation.

“We would like to offer a challenge to you. We will grant you any wish, even godhood if that’s what you want, if you manage to keep your virginity a little longer. There’s an old adage in your culture about turning into a wizard if your chastity remains intact till your 30th birthday. So, that will be your goal. Reach 30 with your chastity in tact and you will win the right upon your second death to be welcomed into the godly pantheon.”

It seemed too good to be true for anyone else, but I had resigned myself to a true, final death. I was disappointed more than anything else at this development. In addition, what did these angels gain from this?

“Your faith. We will steal your faith. All of the support you gathered on Earth is melded into your soul. If you lose, we will take your souls and drain it until it burns away.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad to me.”

“It is without a doubt the single most painful experience a person can suffer in the known universe. Burning one’s soul is an indescribably unbearable experience. I can’t imagine dying like that.”

Despite the horror of what he was describing his voice reminded bright, it almost felt like he was smiling. Why even offer me a deal? Why not just go ahead and burn me?

“God says stealing is wrong. We must trade or be given some kind of consent. It’s true this way of doing thing may be a bit roundabout on our end but I suppose we are also a bit bored.”

“So, I’m entertainment.”

“Yes. Very good. It’s a win-win.”

“I guess I have no choice, do I?”

“You do. That is another rule God has passed down to us. Always allow for autonomy and choice. Your choice is to accept our wager or to immediately have your soul burned.”

“Some choice. I accept your wager.”

“Very good. Yes. We will be reincarnating you into a developing world. There was a brief time in your native land of Japan when a fantasy sub-genre called Isekai became popular. I would liken this world to a setting commonly portrayed within that genre. This world however is female dominated, so watch your step. My caped friend is going to handle your case from here on in. I wish you the best of luck in your new life.”

The caped angel didn’t have a face but the mischievous aura it was projecting was palpable. The other two angels disappeared along with the desk.

Now, it was just me and the caped angel. I was going to be on a planet of mostly women and I would have to somehow keep my virginity for 30 years or my would would be sent to the furnace. On the other hand, if I managed to stay abstinent I could become a god or perhaps decide to finally, peacefully pass on.

“It won’t be that easy.”

“I know it won’t be easy. The angel with the glasses-”

“You weren’t paying attention. He left me in charge of the details so that he has plausible deniability. We’ve already crossed off all the formalities. All that’s left is for you to lose. Fairly, of course. Hehe.”

“Hold on!”

“Let the games begin!”

The space suddenly became blindingly bright and then there was darkness.