No Girlfriend Since Birth

Being a "No-Girlfriend-Since-Birth," I always thought of love to be complex. I never understood the emotional level, requirements, and consequences one must have.

There had been many times where I could have gotten into a relationship prior to college, but I had often ignored or dismissed confessions, signs, hints, and supposed letters written to me out of love by my peers in high school.

I focused too much on my hobbies and academics that time, especially computer games from computer shops. It was a time when different games in genres of MOBA and FPS were at its peak, and I could not bring myself to miss them.

Day and Night, at home or coming from school, I would just play and play and play.

Every time a family member or relative would ask me, "Why do you not have a girlfriend yet?"

I always replied, "Studies first. This is my priority."

When in truth, I did not want to lose time with my hobbies. I already have strict parents and my hobbies were the only things that kept me happy and forward in life. My relationship with my parents was very rocky, especially with my mother. We would often argue and exchange words. I love them, but as a high schooler, there had to be things that I had to point out on what they were doing that was wrong. But instead, I just get told that, as a son, I do not have any right to speak up against them.

My hobbies were a form of escaping reality. I always felt that I am in a different world every time I immerse myself in gaming, music, sports, culinary, and more.

I did have crushes, actually just one. I had fallen for her cute looks. Her name was Aminah, a cheerleader in our school's pep squad.

I had fallen for her when I was in 8th grade. She was academically inclined, cute-looking, and extroverted. I was not into extroverts, but she was an exception. Every time it was recess or lunch, I tried to check if her teacher had dismissed her classroom. Often, it was my class that got dismissed earlier than intended.

I never took my eyes off of her, even though she had gotten into a relationship with an upperclassmen that I do not know. This happened in 9th grade, and all I could do was just sit back and watch.

Some of my friends made fun of me for being "torpe"—someone who was unable to express romantic feelings toward someone due to the fear of being judged or vulnerability.

That was me back then. And there was no point in having to confess when she was already in a relationship. All I could do was admire her from afar. The thought of being in this situation was painful, and it led me to knowing more about myself in this aspect of life.

She then found herself to be single. I did not bother to confess, but I think she had an idea that I was interested in her. There were many times where we had eyes on each other and looked away.

And often, even in places where I think she could not find me, I gazed on her and her eyes met with mine. And then I looked away. It was like that for a while.

Until we became classmates in senior high school, 11th grade. I had thought of her as someone to be kind and gentle. And when we became classmates, she was not who I thought she would be.

She behaved in a way that was hard to describe. She was kind, and somewhat rude. She was gentle, sometimes harsh. She was someone who had a puppy personality that was very fun and lovable, but you had to prepare when she would bite back.

I got turned off, but I still had feelings for her.

In class, I would just gaze at her, admiring from a couple of seats away. Every quarter, our class had to change seat arrangements randomly. And I wished that I could be seated next to her. That never happened, especially when I suffered from astigmatism and had no glasses throughout the academic year. So often, I requested my teacher if I could sit on the front row of any vacant seat possible, sometimes I would even trade seats with those in the front because I was seated on the back.

What happened in the back was the typical Filipino experience where there are students who ate food during class, played games on phones, watched on phones while trying to hide them, and made so much noise that it irritated the teachers all the time. Gadgets were not allowed during class.

It was fun and memorable.

After that year, we suffered from the pandemic of COVID-19. It was a very tough period.

Everything on our school went to full online, using platforms for digital learning and communication. I never made any direct contact with Aminah throughout the 11th grade unless it was something academic.

So for the 12th grade, I just relied on checking her out in social media and that was it.

Three months before the day of our online graduation, I had written a digital letter of confession to her.

I was prepared to finally express my feelings to her on graduation... Until I found out that she had been participating in MLMs or Multilevel Marketing jobs that were a form of pyramid scams.

She suddenly got too invested and went on a craze of it. She flexed her profits and encouraged others to join her. I did not expect that she participated in this as I thought of her to be better than that. In my eyes, she was brainwashed and I could not do anything but watched her blindly suffer from what she was doing.

Eventually, my feelings for her faded and I deleted the digital letter of confession.

Sometimes, I thought that her involvement in pyramid scams was that she gave in to the financial opportunity or "money-making" that had in that activity. The pandemic saw a lot of people suffer so much financially.

From what my friends told me, her family was very rich and did not eat pork. She was muslim or her family had a muslim background... I guess? She never wore a hijab though. That, I could not understand.

All I know was that her family owned condominiums in Pasig along the Ortigas Avenue in the Philippines.

I had spent my remaining time in senior high school studying and playing video games from my laptop.

I even went back into watching anime, one of my hobbies back in high school that I never fully invested myself in. I also started reading and collecting manga. Many of the titles I had collected were prestigious as a manga and had been adapted into anime in 2023 and 2024, and found so much success.

A few weeks before I graduated, I got an offer letter from a prestigious university after passing their application. There was no entrance exam because of the pandemic, and this was not a university that I wanted to be in.

My mother and I had an argument of what course was best for me and what university I should study in. My first choice was the university that had the Tamaraws or Buffalo as its symbol, particularly their campus that had technology courses in it. This was a university I felt was calling for me, but my mother wanted me to study in a university that had Green Archers because of how prestigious it was and how it was just convenient for me to commute to as we owned a unit in a condominium literally in front of it, just one street to cross over.

I was given an ultimatum and had no choice but to be a Green Archer.