Old Versus New

Back in high school, my level of emotional intelligence was quite low. I was kind of cold, judgemental, and dismissive of feelings.

I was the type to purely be logical no matter what, even if there were feelings or emotions involved, as long as it was logically right. I was straightforward and upfront in my decision-making, kind of like the type to prioritize facts over feelings, often dismissing emotional nuances as irrelevant to the bigger picture.

I saw emotions as obstacles to clear thinking, believing that making decisions based solely on logic was the most efficient approach.

Because of this, I sometimes came across as insensitive or indifferent to others' struggles, not realizing that empathy and understanding were just as important as rationality.

I was kind of the type to take someone's heartfelt "I'm so tired." And respond with, "Then sleep lol."

Or maybe even the type to see someone shivering in the cold and hand them a weather report instead of a jacket.

But that all changed when I invested so much time into watching anime. I had a top 10 list, but the most notable ones that were relevant to this story were either in the top 10 or outside of it.

A Silent Voice, Violet Evergarden, I Want To Eat Your Pancreas, and Maquia: When the Promised Flower Blooms were some of my favorites.

These were some that had grown into me emotionally. They broke me down mentally and emotionally, and I was always filled up with tears every time I would rewatch each of them.

I began to realize the value of words and how even a short and simple sentence affected a person's mind and heart.

I saw more emotions and feelings beneath these concepts and that made me realize how wrong I was in how I understood the ways of decision-making.

I realized that empathy, understanding, and being considerate of how others would feel when taking an action was just as important as the rationality behind a decision.

Each rewatch was a reminder and an upgrade to my level of emotional intelligence. And eventually, I began to really feel the emotions behind a person's words and actions.

I also began to understand and be more appreciative and understanding of art of different forms such as painting and dancing.

I felt bad to those whom I have hurt back in high school, and my penance to myself was to move on and be better in how I treat the new people I would come to meet in college life.

And so, when I graduated, the whole household was happy and excited for me to be in college.

I was officially a Green Archer in the coming months.

However, in the following week, I contracted COVID-19 from my father who had come home from work. And in a few days, the whole family contracted the virus.

One of the arguments that my mother and I had was about vaccines. She was not fond of them, but I fought to change her mind, and it did not work.

The whole house was suffering from the symptoms, and we had not taken any vaccines. Our suffering was severe and every night felt like I could die at any time.

Eventually, I fully recovered after three months. My father recovered as well. But my mother...did not. The virus took her one week after graduation and two weeks before her 52nd birthday. My father and I grieved for weeks.

My father, who was physically abusive to me at times when I was against my mother, told me, "Son, we are the only ones left together in our family. I don't want to be an angry person anymore, it's hard to be angry all the time. Please don't do anything stupid."

This was the turning point of my relationship with my father. I was emotionally distant with him, but my mother's death brought life to our relationship.

I loved my father so much during those times we grieved. I sat on the front passenger seat of the car, where my mother usually sat. And at times, he would have tears while driving back home every time we would bond by going out on weekends. Our relationship now, as father-son, was in a healthy state, and it would hurt me the most if the time came for him in this world.

My mother's death was also a turning point of my emotional state. Her death broke so many emotional barriers since I was emotionally distant to her, yet still loved her.

I felt as if I had grown more into being more emotional, understanding, empathetic, sympathetic, and anything else that constituted emotional intelligence.

I had become more careful with the words I said to people, hesitating and thinking how one would feel if I said this or that, and continued to think of ways I can deliver a message while being gentle, considerate, soft, and truthful.

It was a mix of logic and emotions. I am not perfect, but I felt that I grasped a better understanding of how I mixed both in socializing or communication.

I could finally cry when someone cries or suffers from pain. I could feel the pain in the eyes of those who would come to the window of our car and beg for money and food. And to relieve myself with that pain from empathy, I tried to make things right only if I could control it or help in any way or anyhow.

But this growth had consequences, I found myself to be easily emotionally attached, especially when it came to romantic feelings...